The Star's R.AGE and Book Talk

Dear friends,

Recently I was lucky enough to get some exposure through The Star's R.AGE, a special pullout that is circulated to schools,colleges and universities. I owe this Phui Yee from The Star. Thanks Phui Yee!

Check out the pics!









Also, this Saturday I will be at MPH Midvalley to do a book talk! It will be my first time in such an event, so if you are around, do drop by and say hi!

Details : -

Venue : MPH Midvalley Megamall
Date : 26 July 2008
Time : 3-4pm


Cheers all! Another post coming soon!

Have you ever?

Nowadays, everyone is caught up with our differences. Race, religion, sexual orientation, favourite Power Puff Girl, etc etc. I think it is more important to touch upon our similarities, things that we ALL experience in isolation, but can be grouped together as a universal similarity ,shared by all, regardless of our purported differences. These are the things that I believe we all happen to do one time or the other : -

Have you ever …

…while the owner of an economy rice or nasi kandar stall is estimating what he should charge for your plate of rice and assorted dishes, silently pray the he under-charges you?

…gotten annoyed at your friend’s emo messages that they post next to their nickname on MSN?

…while driving on a busy highway, wished you had rocket launchers installed on your car?

… popped up the hood of the engine when the car breaks down, despite the fact that deep down, you know that it won’t make a difference anyway because you ain’t no mechanic and can’t tell the radiator from the timing belt?

…wondered why Superman didn’t use his X-ray vision to check out Lois Lane naked?

…and incidentally, wondered how the hell can people think Clark Kent and Superman are two different people? I mean, just by putting on spectacles? Someone alert the police on this new form of disguise!

…secretly laughed at your friend who has put on a bit of weight?

…secretly worried that your friend who has lost a bit of weight will laugh at you because now, you have relatively ‘put on a bit of weight?”.

…been a teensy bit worried that one day, perhaps years from now, you might just discover that you are homosexual? Or if you’re homosexual, discover that you are actually heterosexual?

…wanted to stab the groin of friends who show you their photos taken during the most recent holiday, which you spent sitting at home, blogging your daily life down to every last boring detail?

…thought of the possibility that you are the ONLY sentient human on this EARTH, and everyone around you, including your parents, loved ones,friends, are all hollow robots commanded by God to give you an illusion of a normal life? I mean, have you ever opened them up to see if their bones and nerves are really frames and wires?

…laughed at guys who drive Kancils?

…wanted to die your hair neon purple just for the heck of it?

…wondered why cineplexes don’t install rocket launchers that blast out moviegoers who fail to put their handphone on silent and answer their handphones when it rings?

…seen a blind man begging on a street who happens to wear a watch and wonder to yourself, ‘What’s the purpose of the watch?’?

…felt sorry for security guards, toll booth operators, toilet cleaners, road sweepers, garbage collectors, grass cutters, construction workers, petrol pump attendants, etc. because their job is tough and boring?

... and then realized that your job is ALSO tough and boring?

…had a haircut at an Indian barber shop and felt that all the barbers around you are literally making fun of YOU behind your back and there’s nothing you can do about it because you can’t understand Tamil?

…realized that when you really think about it, Nicol David is actually kinda hot?

…wished that perhaps one day, someone really rich and famous will stumble upon your blog, and be so impressed by it that he offers you a million dollars?

…sung to yourself in the shower and realize that damn, you are actually much better than Josh Groban and Rihanna, just that you didn’t have the opportunity and proper exposure?

…typed an SMS about Person A to be sent to Person B but you end up sending the SMS to Person A instead? For instance,

[ hey john, omg im secretly laffing cos Jason put on some weight ]

1) Okay
2) Phonebook
3) Scroll down
4) Jason Handphone
5) Send!

…wished that every time someone ‘miss calls’ you because he is too stingy to actually spend credit calling you, your handphone sends a covert signal to a satellite that triangulates the position of your ‘miss caller’ and then arms the rocket launchers in your car to blast him and his family to oblivion?

Gangsterism

Everyone has a gang. You have a gang. I have a gang. Not the gun-toting, protection-money dependent kinda gangs. I mean your group of close friends. Your own close-knit community. Your bunch of galpals and rude dudes. Your posse. Your gang.

“Hey why are you alone?Where’s your gang?”
“Mom, I’m going out with the gang!”
“ Hey gang, let’s watch that movie together!”

Some gangs may only have 3 or 4 members. Some may be up to 20, depends on how well they tolerate each other. But what I have observed , during the 20 years of my life on Earth, is that all gangs share a similar pattern. Young gangs or old gangs,big gangs or small gangs, college gangs or office gangs, they all share a common pattern.

When it comes to membership, every gang has at least one : -

1) Fat Person that everyone calls Fatty. Or, if your gang is particularly cruel, Slimmy.

2) Hot Girl that almost every guy in the same gang has tried to get it on with, but to their dismay, she ultimately settles for an uglier guy or someone outside the gang

3) Guy of Questionable Sexuality. This is the only one who did not try to get it on with the above Hot Girl.

4) Pervert. This is the master of porn downloads, and has memorized all the Japanese AV Idols.

5) Romeo. The guy who was the FIRST to try it on with the Hot Girl. Always has a girlfriend, much to the disdain of Guy of Questionable Sexuality

6) Kiasu A scorer. Hardly hangs out with the gang, but is kept around for homework help and occasional exam tips. He needs the gang too,to be reminded of how conversation with humans take place.

7) Sad Minority. This is the funniest one. The only Indian in an all Chinese gang or the only Chinese in an all Indian gang, or other various permutations. Usually speaks with the same accent/slang as the majority of the gang. Best person to make fun of.

Now, if you have scanned the list and realized that you don’t have a particular individual in your gang, then you are most definitely that person.

And before I sign off, here’s one more observation when it comes to gangs. EVERY gang has at least 2 factions that sorta dislike each other but sorta still hangs out for the sake of not declaring an all out war, which nobody benefits from and quite frankly, makes everyone look like children.

The main quarrel between the two factions usually boils down to an insignificant incident between two individuals in the gang, which will then lead to them rapidly badmouthing the other to all their supporters, and the result is the splitting of the gang into two. This usually leads to a Gang Cold War lasting a few months, then later both factions will calm down diplomatically and still hang with each other.

I speaks the troof, don’t I?

We don't complain

My biology teacher once said that humans need three things to survive : Food, water and oxygen. I think she was sorely mistaken. Malaysian humans need to do 5 things to survive

1) Eat
2) Breathe
3) Drink water
4) Buy a handphone
5) Not to complain.

Nowadays, it seems that everyone is blaming the politicians for screwing us out of a better deal for us. But what about us? Do we let ourselves continuously get cheated out of a better deal for ourselves?

And really, are the politicians the only ones that are cheating us? When was the last time you went to a mamak stall or a hawker stall and got served a ‘drink’ which consists solely of 100% ice cubes and a few atoms of Milo ais? Have you seen the proprietors of said premises preparing drinks? The steps include : -

1) Jamming chipped ice into a cup
2) Then, when no more ice can be jammed in, they then jam MORE ice into it, bending the laws of physics.
3) Serve the drink, hoping that the patrons won’t notice the difference.

Upon slurping such drinks, what do we do next? Do we complain, or do we suck it up (quite literally) ,lest they put cockroaches into our food? More importantly, the following week, when we need a drink, what do we do? We return to the SAME mamak/hawker stall, order the SAME Milo ais, and again, we DON’T COMPLAIN. Lather, rinse, repeat.

Or how about our handphone credit? For years now, we have been taken to a dark alley, blindfolded and gagged while our wallets are being stolen, in a matter of speaking when it comes to our handphone service providers. The most blatant daylight robbery is with regards to Maxis’s prepaid plan. When you purchase RM 30 worth of credit, you are only allowed to use that RM 30 WITHIN A MONTH. After a month, you have to buy ANOTHER RM 30.

Now, let’s ask this fundamental question. I have already subscribed to Maxis, shouldn’t what I do with the credit be left entirely up to me? What if I wanted to buy RM 30 of credit to last me an entire year, because my social life is so abysmal that I don’t have anyone to call anyway? But no, every month I have to top up, in case an emergency happens, like being stuck in a toilet with no tissue paper.As of now, I have RM 1240 worth of accumulated credit which lies sullen and underused in my SIM card. Sometimes, feeling sorry for my credit, I use them to call random people and ask, “ What’s the happiest burger?”.

If you listen very closely, on a calm, still night, you can almost hear the powers that be who get away with all their sins laughing their way to blissful sleep.

I'm backkkkk!

Dear friends,

I am BACK, and ready for more posts!!!

Cheers, and do enjoy the new slideshow I am about to put up!!

-The Man

Religion

People have begun to question not just the existence of God, but by extension the necessity of religion. I believe that people questioning God and religion is important, because the best way to attach credibility to any subject is to attack and debate about it. True? We don’t hear about people attacking and debating about things that are unnecessary, about things that absolutely do not matter in your life. Like for example, the cost of your own funeral, or whether which is better, Maxis or Digi?

But religion, aha, that’s a good subject to talk about. You see, I believe that there is a higher power that we will never understand. I also believe that God is great, and that there are many paths to Him. You see, He has different marketing strategies for different types of people. Islam, Christianity, Judaism, Hinduism, etc etc. It all leads to the same thing.

The thing about God is though, is that I believe as an almighty being, he is able to take *some* healthy constructive criticism. And although many people believe God has many faults, I would like to touch on one particular weakness of His.

He doesn’t seem to be able to manage money very well.

He always needs money! How come as an omnipotent, all-powerful being, He is always asking us for money? Can’t he produce some for himself, or at the very least, consult one of the top financial experts in the world, and ask for some advice? And why would He ask us? Aren’t we always asking HIM for money? It’s not a struggle of Good over Evil anymore, it has all boiled down to The Great Big Eternal Financial Transaction.

And nowadays, ladies and gentlemen, I notice a new religion emerging in our lives. One that doesn’t need much money.You have all heard about it, and even subscribe to this new religion, perhaps unknowingly of course. I call it Wood-ism. Have you ever seen the following scene : -

Guy A : I hope I will have enough money by the age of 40.
Guy B : Why 40?
Guy A : Because by that time, if I happen to die,or get some kind of cancer, touch wood –

Guy A touches something made of wood, perhaps a table

Guy A : at least my family is well taken care of, you know!
Guy B : Yalah, I also hope I don’t get cancer, or worse, bankrupt!

Guy B also touches the table.

Now this begs the question. What the hell is in wood, that has somehow convinced us it can prevent cancer or bankruptcy? And you know it’s not limited to just those two things. EVERYTHING can be prevented by touching wood. Failing exams? Touch wood. Dying in a car crash? Touch wood. Divorced? Touch wood. Getting sued or sacked? Touch wood. Afraid of getting a splinter? Well…maybe not that one.

What on earth is in wood? I know everyone says God is everywhere, but surely this is a little absurd? Number 1, why don’t we just say touch God and just randomly touch any object, since God is everywhere? And number 2, why wood? Why not, iron, or water, or just for kicks, fire? Hoping your house doesn’t burn down? On your stove and touch the flames. Then your house burning down will be the least of your worries.

What is the guarantee that this so called ‘wood’ will do its job? Let’s say,for argument’s sake, that someone says out loud he hopes he doesn’t get cancer, followed by uttering ‘ touch wood’ and then suiting the action to the word by touching something wooden. Then lets say 10 years later, at a clinic, the doctor says to him, “I am sorry sir, but you have cancer”.

“Cancer? Are you sure?”
“The tests are 100% conclusive. You have cancer.”
“Doc, I don’t think so. I am very confident I CANNOT get cancer”.
“How so?”
* leans forward* “ Well, don’t tell anyone this- “ * looks around for eavesdroppers*

“ - but ten years ago, I touched wood”.

The thing about Wood-ism is that it is so easy. Just touch it and your attempts at avoiding catastrophe is complete. Just touching. No need for prayer, worship, or dragging your buttocks to church, paying your weekly consultation fee, doing good, etc. It makes it seem that God’s application process seems a little too entangled with red tape compared to just touching wood.

What if it gets worse? What if real wood worship starts to really take off? What if fanatics start chaining themselves to trees to be “close to wood”, and start throwing hissy fits whenever people cut down trees to make essential things like paper for schoolkids to write their essays on and for the printing press to make newspapers, magazines and books for education? What if these overzealous people start organizations that champion the worship of wood, and attack companies that use wood to manufacture products for consumers, always pressuring them to plant more and more trees, so that the amount of wood that can be touched to prevent bad things from happening will be increased?

Well, if they do, then I suppose we can respect their opinions. But let’s hope it doesn’t get overboard.

Touch wood.

Reply to 'Feng Shui'

Every once in a while, someone intelligent posts something intelligent on this blog. Below is a response to my previous blog post on 'Feng Shui'. I appreciate the intelligent discussion that has sprung forth. Do check out TPM's comment : -

First of all, I have to admit that I do not fall head over heel with this belief in Feng Sui.I do not even practise feng sui, but I do listen and look at feng sui tips which sound and look logical to try out, in order to improve the environmental aspect.However,one must understand that feng sui is not merely about moving furnitures and facing the right direction. One must look at the esthetical and scientific aspect of Feng Sui.Feng Sui master will advise that furnitures are arranged in such a manner that will not obstruct the proper path of the house occupants.

I have seen countless arrangement of furnitures in homes which were placed hapzardly and caused inconvenience to walk through the house, sometime banging on table edges, slipping on floors, etc ....these bring bad luck to the occupants and guests alike. Occupants may be injured,cannot work and cause further misfortune to happen. Guests will shudder to visit again and friends will get lesser. All these in the name of bad feng sui if one may link it to feng sui!

Obviously people are homeless and have no furnitures to move because their lives have not been that successful or meaningful. A time will come when these homeless guys meet some generous souls and provide them with a decent living in a house, plus a job to boot, then they may realise the importance of furniture arrangement, and hopefully their lives may improve. These guys do not have to depend on Feng Sui but they may need the Feng Sui art of furniture arrangement to enhance their living environment!

Of course, if one were to invite these poor homeless souls into the house with good furniture arrangement, they may be lucky and prosperous for the moments they were there, at least.It may take me to write a few pages in answer to most of your examples but I may just reserve it for another day.

Before I pen off, "body of water" do not necessary means good luck all the time. Tsunami is definitely a bad omen.The dirty drain with filthy water flowing right in front of one's house is definitely not good for your health or sight or environment. Who wouldn't want a swimming pool in one's house if one can afford it? The kids may be very happy.However, if the swimming pool is left unkempt with stagnant water ( hey, that's bad chi la!), that probably will be a source for mosquitoes breeding and dengue fever.So, in feng Sui, there are bad chi and good chi. For me, bad chi is when bad luck occurs and good chi is when good luck occurs. Just look at it this way....I hope to be at Mid Valley on 26 Jul. May good chi befall on Jason.

Cheers TPM!