Lamp Post

Everyone hates to be a lamp post. I don’t mean being an actual lamp post, made of metal, filled with wires, forever stationary on some random, back alley or downtown street.I am talking about being the social role that you assume when you (and only you) are in the presence of another couple who are your friends.

I have to say here at this juncture that being an actual lamp post might also, quite possibly suck a lot.

But nothing sucks more than you seated in the driver’s seat of your car while two of your friends who are conveniently boyfriend and girlfriend are in the backseat, canoodling, cuddling, lip-mashing, playing tongue hockey, exchanging DNA or whatever cool term you guys used to describe what the old generation used to call, ‘making out’.

We’ve all experienced it. We understand what it’s about (we all did Biology in Form 3 right?).We know the process. We get it.

And we freaking hate watching other people do it. Especially if the blissful couple who are physically fusing their skin to each other’s are our friends. Even worse if they are mere inches away in the backseat of your car, totally oblivious to your presence and even more so towards your driving services.

Sure for a moment, jealousy creeps in at least for the first few seconds. Then hatred for a few more seconds. Which finally gives way to long lasting, semi-permanent disgust and loathing, two distinct emotional entities which are almost guaranteed to kick start your intestines to do the Macarena.

Even worse of course when you overhear the sweet-nothings whispered to one another. One of the absolute stupid ones I have ever heard ( and have never whispered to my own girlfriend) is this : -

“You are the first thing I think about when I wake up, and the last thing I think about when I go to sleep.”

That is the most absurd thing to ever say to another human being, regardless of how much you love the other person to whom you are whispering said disgusting sentence.

If I ever hear my girlfriend say that to me, immediately my reaction would be :-

“Are you trying to say you only think about me twice a day?”

or-

“Am I such a dull, uninspired and boring personality that the thought of me at night makes you go to sleep?”

And the worst thing about is that it is an absolute lie. Stuff like “you are the love of my life” or “I think of you all the time” may be saccharinely nauseating, but at least it can be true. Not this one. Because I can absolutely guarantee you that the first thing you think about in the morning is not your significant other, no matter how hot he is in bed or no matter how much of a man she makes you feel. Here’s what happens in the morning.

You are blissfully asleep. Perhaps dreaming too. Your day has not begun yet. It’s all dark and cooling. Bliss. Your body is recuperating, growth hormones are spurting all over your body, your circadian rhythm is ---

KRRRRRRRRRRRINGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Your alarm wakes you up and lo and behold, your first thought of the day is :-

HUAARRRRGGHGGHHHHHFFFFFSSSLLLPPXXXXXXXRSHHHTHHPURLP!!!!!

That is your first thought of the day. Your primal instinct, enraged at having woken up, all summarized in a series of consonants. It ain’t your girlfriend or boyfriend, who may be next to you in bed, thinking the same exact first thought of the day.

And when you have finished that first thought of the day, the next one isn’t about your girlfriend or boyfriend either. It’s not “ I am so happy to have her/him in my life. She/he completes me. Makes me whole. Makes me feel happy. My companion. My soulmate. I love her/him.”

No it’s not that.

It’s ‘SNOOZE!!!!!!”

That’s the word we form in our brain EVERY MORNING for EVERY DAY for THE REST of our lives. SNOOZE starts your day. It is the embodiment of the fact that human beings,no matter our religious, racial, cultural or individual differences have one thing in common besides the fact that we like watching Lost :- we really hate waking up.

Why do you think babies are so difficult to deliver? One would think that anyone would be excited at getting delivered into the world right? But no, babies too prefer to sleep and not wake up. That’s why they cling to their cord, and turn their bodies into difficult positions. It’s their way of saying, “Oi gimme five more minutes”. It’s their snooze button.

That’s also why they Egyptians mummify themselves.They are just so afraid of being woken up in case they were not really dead that they wrap themselves with cloth,stuff their mouths, and seal themselves in large, grandiose tombs. That’s a more powerful kind of snooze button.

And so you reach out to hammer the snooze button, the one that used to have the word ‘SNOOZE’ printed on it in white, but now has rapidly faded away thanks to the daily friction from your index finger. Now it roughly says “-OOZE”. That’s how your morning is. A series of snoozes.

Girls, if your boyfriend really does think about you the first thing he wakes up,he is cheating on you.

Boys, if your girlfriend really does think about you the first thing she wakes up, she is gonna dump you.

Cheers!

Are You Malaysian?

Beyond your IC
Part 1


Are you Malaysian?If you were born in Malaysia,of course logically you would answer yes,you are indeed Malaysian.But is ‘Malaysian’ merely a nationality,a label to differentiate people according to citizenship?I believe that the term ‘Malaysian’ is more than just what your passport or IC says.It is an identity,which cannot be acquired through location of birth,illegal immigration,marriages of convenience or by staying in Malaysia for an X amount of years.To be truly Malaysian,one must experiences the nuances of life that only our country can offer.

Here is a list of criteria one must comply with to be truly Malaysian.You may be a Caucasian expat who has lived in Malaysia for decades,or you can be a hip 15 year old girl with belly piercings.Anyone and everyone can fulfill these criteria.Simply said,almost anyone can be Malaysian.

1) You must have been / still being educated in a government Sekolah Rendah or Sekolah Menengah Kebangsaan.


This I believe is the most crucial initiation process of anyone who will grow up to be Malaysian.The experiences offered by government schools are absolutely vital.For instance,every government school has that Discipline Teacher,almost always male,who graduates from the School of Hard Knocks.He will brandish a nice long and thick rotan that gives an almighty swish when he rains down punishment unconditionally.Long nails will earn you two slashes on the butt and sometimes,depending on his mood,a good few slaps or two.And theres NOTHING you can do about it.If you complained to your parents about the disciplining being too harsh,they will hesitate to confront him about it for they too were once victims of their own discipline teachers.

In private schools,students are devoid of the pleasure of the discipline teacher.There,corporal punishment is deemed as barbaric.The worst punishment they do mete out is detention and official letters sent to parents,which really,does nothing.Detention is where they meet their cronies,and letters often get ‘lost in the post’.It is a paradoxical universe,where teachers hesitate to punish and are afraid of losing their jobs to complaints from parents who pay the equivalent of the national debt of Czech Republic to keep their precious princes and princesses in school.I feel sad for these kids.They will never experience the sheer exhilaration of playing truant and inventing excuses to save our butts from the rotan.They will never tremble in fear and wet their underwear when the Discipline Teacher stares them down like little maggots he would sooner squish with his shoe than give the time of day.They will never enjoy seeing the utter humiliation of fellow trouble-makers at the hands of the Discipline Teacher,bending over and letting the rotan have its way with them.Or the pure,undulated amusement of being amongst the hundreds of students during assembly watching him berate the entire school for trivial matters like letting the air out of the teachers’ car tyres and throwing eggs and flour at the Headmaster’s office.

In every government school,there’s always one Weird Teacher.This character is one that is famous throughout the school but for all the wrong reasons.It’s either a teacher who can’t teach for nuts,like an English teacher who pronounces ‘air’ as in the Malay word for water,a teacher whose face resembles an ape,or the resident psychopath who talks to himself and wears make-up.And of course,the always popular Perverted Teacher.Every school has at least one,and is always male.In an all-girls school,he will be the bane of the gals’ existence,constantly looking at their chest region,through the thin baju-kurungs.In an all-boys school,he will be the fun of the party,the one who tells dirty jokes at the end of classes,shares tips with the guys and points out interesting features of his female colleagues.Will you get this in a private school,where sexual harassment lawsuits will be flung left,right and centre by conscious parents?


2) “The dirtier the restaurant,the better the food”

Think for a moment of your favourite local eat-out place.If it’s a restaurant with air-conditioning and clean toilets,you are not Malaysian.It should be a place that is preferably open air,with lots of flies.If the toilets are absolutely disgusting with fungus growing on more fungus,you score an additional 60 points.The operators of the restaurant must be absolutely filthy to look at,with a variety of stains on their aprons.If they have no aprons,voila,another 60 points.It can even be a small nasi lemak stall set up by the local loud-mouthed makcik or the Ramley Burger stall operated by dodgy youths driving modified Kancils.Adhere to the maxim, the dirtier,the better.

I will tell you of a famous restaurant in Kuala Lumpur.Well,the term ‘restaurant’ is a bit of stretch as it is more of a small room that somehow has people selling food out of it.It is smack dab in the middle of KL,with traffic rolling just 50 cm away from the main entrance.The carbon monoxide from exhaust pipes,sulphur from the nearby construction site,dust and smoke will mix with the pungent smell of the restaurant’s ‘toilet’ to form an aroma that is potent enough to kill horses.This wonderful assault on your senses will then be complimented with the stench of sweat from unknown bodily regions of the restaurant staff.The ambience is provided by walls with their paint peeling off and moss growing in every nook and cranny,sometimes even in the armpits of the cooks.The dining music is provided by rude Hokkien uncles debating politics.

But I swear to you,the prawn noodles that they serve are the best ever.The soup sweet and spicy to the tongue,the noodles soft yet springy and the prawns fresh and succulent.Topped with hot chilli paste and sometimes hard boiled eggs,it is literally heaven in the midst of hell.You just cannot replicate the culinary experience in a clean,air-conditioned restaurant with well-trained waiters and chef,no matter how hard you try.Yes,one might wonder where exactly the good taste comes from,but as they say,ignorance is bliss.

3) You must be an arsehole on the road

We Malaysians can spot a tourist from a mile away.He is the one who drives carefully,doesn’t kill anyone,and actually signals before he turns.That tourist,by possessing some innate gift,has actually figured out how to read road signs,which is written in an ancient language with weird diagrams that we Malaysians just cannot comprehend.I mean,what exactly does a yellow sign with an exclamation mark with the words 90 km/h actually mean?Is it trying to urgently (hence the exclamation mark) tell us to go beyond 90 km/h?Ask the tourist,he knows!And,we really need to learn how to park without obstructing an adjacent car’s path of exit.I know its abnormal,but seriously,I think double-parking may,and here I stress on the word ‘may’ cause serious inconvenience to other drivers.Maybe,I am not sure.Research is still being undertaken on this subject matter and results should be out soon.Stay tuned.

Scientists say that one of the major cause of blindness apart from trauma to the head and looking at Miss Malaysia/Universe contestants are bad diet and a lazy lifestyle.This is because our arteries become clogged,and therefore less blood goes to the retina to supply it.Soon,the retina will slowly die off,causing loss of vision.What the scientists have failed to take into account is another more serious cause of blindness.

Cars fitted with front headlamps that emit ‘white light’.

Have you ever had your corneas barbecued by cars fitted with such lights?These lights are powered by 80 million megavolts of electricity and are EXTREMELY bright.You can tell when a car fitted with such lights are nearby because suddenly,it’s daytime again.If you see such a car heading your way, TURN AWAY IMMEDIATELY unless you want your windscreen to be melted.

But I understand why some people see the need for such lights.I am also aware some of you reading this may possess such lights or know someone who does.Here’s a maintenance tip.If you think the lights are not bright enough,you can check them easily.First,with the lights switched off,bend down until you are eye level with the lights.Open your eyes as wide as possible,and try to focus very very intensely on those krypton bulbs.Try not to blink.Now,again,the important part here is to keep your eyes still very widely open,as if you are watching porn for the first time.Get a friend to start the engine,but leave the lights switched OFF.Don’t panic,for this is all part of the routine.Keep your eyes wide open.At this point,your friend should release the brake and press the accelerator as hard as possible.If done properly,you will probably see a very bright light.Thats a good sign your headlamps are working.

4) Be proud of Manglish,but ditch it the moment you see an ang-moh

We are very proud of our accent,as if we somehow worked for years to perfect it.The true Manglish speaker can by the very simple usage of ‘lah’ , ‘mah’ or ‘hor’ can completely turn a conversation around.It can connotate sarcasm,praise,reprimand, and even seduction.For example – ‘You are very good looking”.Now,to a non-Malaysian,that sentence may only serve one purpose,that is to praise.But we Malaysians can twist it around with just one extra syllable.

For instance,if a guy were to end it with a very low-toned ‘lah’,it would immediately indicate that he is horny.If a girl were to deliver that same sentence with a slightly prolonged ‘mah’ accompanied by a discreet roll of her eyes,everyone will see that she is jealous.And lastly,if a mother were to utter that sentence to her daughter ending with a sharp ‘hor’,that will indicate that her daughter actually resembles Jabba the Hutt’s backside.

And yet,with such a powerful linguistic tool at our disposal,we would never dream of using it in the presence of foreigners.Why is that when we have Mat Sallehs for company,we never speak Manglish to them?Where do all our ‘lah’s and phrases like “ is dis your wan or my wan’ go?Suddenly,we speak normal sounding English,and our grammar becomes horribly correct and pronunciation atrociously perfect.

Perhaps maybe deep deep down inside,we realize how terribly uncool we all sound with our Malaysian accents.This is why Malaysian movies will never make it big in Hollywood.And some of us are so desperate to shed our natural accent that the moment we find a plausible excuse,we put on an accent.Perhaps that’s why we love practicing our fake accents with Westerners

I mean,you see many pretentious people who spend a week in Western countries suddenly develop an accent so thick,it’s unbelievable.Sure,an American accent sounds good on a person with Caucasian features like freckles,pink flushes,clear blue eyes,blonde hair,etc.etc.But when a guy who looks like he should sell pirated DVDs for a living suddenly says , “Hey dudes,Jessica Alba is like sooo totally hot,man I’m like so totally on that bod man.Far out!”,you just know it doesn’t go together,like wearing a thong to church.It’s just wrong.

And then on the other side of the coin,you will NEVER ever see foreigners attempt to imitate our accents.It’s physically impossible,because the moment they try it,their brain receives impulses from the muscles controlling the vocal cords,which tells the brain that “it is VERY UNCOOL to sound Malaysian“ and the brain will just shut down the muscles for a few seconds,which will render the would-be impersonator speechless.

But yet,we must stand tall and proud of our accent!Speak like true Malaysians wherever you go!Do not compromise our identity for sake of clarity!If you’re Malaysian,lets say out loud in the spirit of brotherhood, “WE CAN DO IT WAN LAH!”

And if you are a foreigner (especially if you are Australian,British or American) reading this,I say this to you with all sincereity.Try the Malaysian accent out and give us feedback.As always,just by virtue of your status as a Westerner,your opinions should always matter greatly to us.

Hor.
….to be continued.

Contradictions

Life is so very full of contradictions that it should come to all of our surprise that we do not observe them more often. Yet, they are there. The problem is that the pairs of observations that would make up contradictions are so obscure, so vastly set apart in our overall take on life that it is sometimes hard to put them together.

It was not too long ago that we used to hear of how China was having trouble with their dwindling panda bear population. Well, it still has that problem now, but what with Tibet and the 2008 Olympics looming ahead, that problem has receded to the background.

I remember the news broadcast. It was on ntv7 I think. There was a grim-faced Chinese spokesperson, wearing horn-rimmed glasses and pantsuit, staring off-camera at some figure, interviewer perhaps. She was speaking Mandarin in a deliberate tone, while subtitles appeared below her chest, describing in rather dramatic sentences how the panda bears were being poached for their meat, skin or whatever, and sold across the globe, and appealed for the international conscience to put a stop to this trend, lest the WWF lost a mascot and change their merchandising profile.

When I saw that piece of news, a rather nasty thought came quickly to my mind. I also remember thinking that if I were a foreigner, perhaps a Caucasian, I would definitely be in an appropriate place to say it aloud, but alas, I was, and forever will be, a squinty eyed Chinese boy.

But, if I were indeed born with bluer eyes, this is what I would have gladly said to that Communist :-

Yes, we will start saving the panda bears, the minute you guys stop drinking shark-fin soup.

I mean, we Chinese people eat EVERYTHING that moves, man. It is not just a offhand remark passed down from generation to generation. If its back faces the heavens, we will eat it. You give a cow to a person of any other race, he would probably drink its milk, cut it up for meat or peel its skin off for leather ( hopefully all those done in that order).

But a Chinese person would go a few steps further. The eyeballs and brains would make excellent herbs, the intestines an interesting addition to beef noodles, etc etc.

I remember watching a show on TV once about snakes. It was set in Florida, where there is an abundance of snakes. A lot of people often found snakes suddenly appearing in their homes. They don’t usually knock before entering. The TV show went something like this :-

1) Person suddenly finds a snake in the house

2) Miraculously, a camera crew happens to be in the house.

3) Instead of helping, the camera crew just films the house owner dialing 911 in panic

4) When the call is finished, the house owner looks at the camera, clearly in distraught, says something profound, like “Oh God I hope they get here soon”

5) Commercial break

6) Now, a rough, rugged sort of man who shaves once every lifetime, wearing thick boots and speaking in a Southern accent is introduced as a “Snake catcher”

7) Mr. Snake Catcher tries to catch the snake.

8) He almost catches the snake. .

9) Commercial break

10) He catches the snake. The day is saved.

Now I can’t help but thinking that the whole show would be more efficient if they just sent in a regular Chinese man. He would go in there so fast, the camera crew wouldn’t reach the house in time. And I can picture him catching the snake without so much a hint of fear, grabbing it by the tail and kung-fu chop the snake senseless. Then he would proceed to ask the house owner if he could use some pots and pans for a while. And by the way, did he have Oyster sauce?

Speaking of animals, I recently went to Seaworld in Gold Coast, Australia. It is a marine theme park with lots of animal showcases and it was generally a very fun day. My girlfriend and I saw the dugong, polar bears up close, sharks swimming underwater, dolphin performances, sea lions, and may more.

They also had a giant underground aquarium where we could see exotic fishes swimming about. Of course, there were some Chinese tourists looking at them while rubbing their tummies, drooling out of the corners of their mouths, never taking their bulging eyes off the bigger fishes.

What’s neat about this theme park that it also educated the public on the plight of the animals it showcased, many of them extinct. There were posters showing how marine life is threatened, and how uncontrolled sea mining and pollution were destroying the marine life. There was one poster in particular that showed how unregulated big scale fishing was dimishing the population of fishes.

Next door at the Seaworld restaurant, they served fish n chips for just 9. 95 AUD.

The Year 2028 (Part One)

The Year 2028 – Part One.

It is now the year 2028, and these are the terms and limits in which our country Malaysia, in all her glory and eminence, has come to be defined. Through the combined and collective efforts of all citizens, conscious or unconscious, direct or indirect, spanning the entire socioeconomic hierarchy, a summary of the status of our nation is as follows : -

Education

The Brain Drain phenomenon has reached both a peak and plateau. The highest number possible of qualified professionals have migrated overseas. Statistics claim only 25% of qualified professionals above the age of 30 are staying in the government sector. This goes in hand with an exodus of post-SPM students leaving the country to pursue tertiary education overseas, most notably the UK, USA, Australia, Singapore, China, Taiwan and Japan and Germany.

Said countries have changed policies to make it difficult for international professionals and graduates to pursue work opportunities, due to the backlash of their native workforce, unanimously forcing affirmative action in favour of their citizens

This has not deterred Malaysians from seeking employment overseas.

Reasons for the Brain Drain have been summarized into two main issues – insufficient compensation and lack of avenues for career advancement.

All subjects in all secondary schools and tertiary institutions are now taught in English, with the exception of Bahasa Malaysia, which remains the official and national language.

Technology

Malaysia, like the rest of the world, has gone 90% wireless in its Internet service. Personal users only need a wireless compatible laptop to access the Internet via the MEASAT-5 satellite. Only rural areas require the older method of fibre optics.

Globally, Internet service is now free, subsidized by all governments.

Entertainment has entered a new era.A result of the digital push pioneered by agents such as TiVO, HD television and even faster Net access, every song,movie, television show, pay-per-view are now available for downloading simultaneously with their official release.

Embraced by the industry’s major movers and shakers, downloading content for private use has become legal in all countries. This movement was spearheaded by Sony and Universal Studios which publicly revealed that their annual gross profits have fallen by 60% over the last 15 years. The move to embrace and regulate private downloading of content will at least stabilize their profit margins for the years to come.

All websites offering torrents are regulated and controlled, and the days of free downloads have been long gone 5 years ago. Peer-to-peer file sharing networks have long ceased to operate, with the last being SymbioZone, a company formed in 2015. It lasted 2 years. Every single piece of trademarked intellectual property like movies and songs are now subject to payment via the WiPay system ( see Economy)

Tangible methods of data storage like DVDs, USB-flash disks have been replaced by almost instantaneous file transfer from any location in the world, via wireless Internet access.

Downloading times are now non-existent.

The increase in Massive Multiplayer Online Role Playing Games ( MMORPG) has seen the emergence of a new career, that being the Professional Online Gamer. In the past, this has been practiced, but only recognized as a taxable profession by the Malaysian government in 2023. In World of Warcraft 8 : Armageddon, professional players log on and play as characters that can be ‘hired’ like infantrymen, healers,scouts, administrators, coordinators, and provide other services for a fee to be paid by commercial, non-professional customers/gamers.

Social

The rate of homosexuality is now at 25%.Homosexuality has become a non-issue and the public has accepted in as part of a new, emerging lifestyle.

As a part of the non-discriminatory policy towards all citizens, all homosexual individuals now share equal rights, welfare and recognition. All major religions have accepted homosexuality.

The institution of family is practiced in a quarter of the population. The definition of ‘Family’ is as follows : - A social unit which makes up a bigger social unit called a ‘community’, which consists of a pair of parents ( a mother and father) in a mutually agreeable marriage AND biological offspring(if any) all living together in a single address, provided that the offspring are below the age of 18 or an age where tertiary education is possible.

Factors contributing to this practice being obsolete is as follows –

a) Female empowerment and feminist movements have encouraged women to carve their own careers and to exist on their own merits. Therefore, 8 out of 10 women are contented to remain uncommitted to a marriage and 6 out of 10 are happy to remain single.

b)Even in cases of marriage, both husband and wife are fully dedicated to their careers and thus unable to find time to bear offspring.

c)Divorce rates has now increased up to 85%.Almost all marriages which took place from 2010 to 2020 has resulted in divorce.Only 1 % of registered couples aged 50 and above are reported to be living in the same house.

d)With the high cost of education, more and more couples are predisposed towards saving up for a comfortable retirement, than to work almost more than half of their lifetime to pay off their children’s education. Out of all the married couples, only 57% plan to have children.

e) The acceptance of homosexuality.

In accordance to the above, sperm donation and adoption industries have bloomed in Malaysia. Public listed companies are now blue-chips in the stock market.

In all government forms, under the section of ‘Race’ or ‘Bangsa’, there is now a new category from which to choose form, named ‘Mixed’ or ‘Kacukan’. This is in following with the latest census in 2026 in which the government realized that almost one fifth of the population was of mixed parentage, individuals with both Indian and Chinese blood being the highest. The practice of recognizing a mixed parentage individual’s race upon the race of the father has long ceased.

English, Tamil and Mandarin versions of Negaraku were created 4 years ago. At any time in which the organizer of an event chooses to have the Negaraku sung in English, Tamil or Mandarin, it must come after the Malay version has been sung.

…to be continued

Signs and symptoms that you are taking Medicine too seriously

1) Whenever you hold your girlfriend/boyfriend’s hands on a romantic date,you can’t help but check for clubbing,splinter haemorrhages,temperature,pulse rate,etc etc.Also,before you kiss,you check for central cyanosis,dentition and hydration status

2) You diagnose the Simpsons with familial jaundice

3) You have a ‘favourite spot’ in the library, and whenever someone else happens to sit in ‘your’ spot when you get to the library, you feel like politely impaling him with a nearby chair.

4) Picking up Kumar and Clark with one hand is easy business and your biceps are roughly the same size as that book

5) Incidentally, picking up books comprise of 50% of the physical exercise that you do. The other 50 % is putting them down.

6) When your girlfriend puts on a sexy new dress and asks you how she looks, you respond, “Upon general inspection, you look comfortable and gorgeous; and there are no signs of abnormal pigmentation or fats bulging out at inappropriate places. I would now like to proceed with palpation”.

7) Your social life consists of calling up your mother and telling her why you don’t have a girlfriend/boyfriend.

8) You look down on Arts students.

9) All the ward sisters are sick of you.

10) All the patients you auscultate have permanent indentations where you put your stethoscope for half an hour without moving because you “want to indentify the heart sound”, which your patient soon develops, regardless of whether he had cardiovascular problems or not.

11) When buying watermelons, you check the quality through percussion.

12) You have recently become very religious, and your daily ritual includes worship of the Son of (just leave out the son of and keep it to the one true God?) the one true God, Prof. Peter Lee.

13) You have cut down on unnecessary activities like bathing and toilet visits to have more time to study.

14) You get an allergic reaction which includes and are not limited to : - fits, shock, rashes and blackouts when at the end of a lecture, you forget to ask the lecturer questions.

15) You plan to stop reading halfway through this list to go study.

16) And never plan to come back and finish this list after you finish studying

17) Because you will never stop studying

18) You sleep with your lab coat on to save time changing into it for your hospital session the next morning.

19) You sleep for only 2 hours a day.

20) You sleep at the hospital.

21) When your car breaks down, instead of popping up the hood and staring at it aimlessly like most normal people, you write down a list of differentials on what may have caused the malfunction, examine the car to the best of your ability and present your findings in a condensed, precise 5 minute presentation complete with the investigations you deem appropriate and a brief discussion on management to the arriving mechanic.

22) You actually understand half the jokes on this list.

23) Your understanding of current affairs include the impending war on Iraq, the recent general elections where Barisan Nasional wrested the control of Terrenganu, the tsunami which devastated South East Asia and the sizzling new celebrity romance involving Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston.

24) You wonder how Wolverine’s body doesn’t develop an inflammatory process against his adamantium skeleton, which is obviously a foreign body.

25) While reading through this list, you cannot help but write down T for true or F for false in pencil beside each sentence. Subsequently,at the end of this list, you are disappointed that there are no answers for which you can compare with, and therefore unable to determine your marks.

A Period of War

Since the time before history,there has been a war waged upon our Earth,ravaging the very foundations of human life.Stricken with battle after battle,the people of today have long wondered why this war still goes on and important still,when will it end,if ever?This war is fought in a myriad of ways,the air of battle permeating every nook and cranny of life,from the mundane to the extravagant.Each and every individual has been doomed to from birth to death.This is the battle that you and I fight every single day : -
The battle of the sexes
That’s right.The battle between dudes and dudettes.Guys take on the gals.The studs against the chicks.Ladies challenging the gentlemen.Adam vs Eve and everything in between.This war started a long long time ago,and will not end until the ladies realize that IT IS TIME TO CHILL OUT AND GIVE US A BREAK MAN!!
Okay that may not have been the most mature approach,but you have to forgive the lamentations of a battle-hardened vet.Them females are hardy soldiers,you can bet your machismo on that.The thing is,God may have made us equal,yada yada yada and all that jazz,but till today,we have failed to really neutralize their strongest advantage known to mankind yet.
I am not talking about the self imposed chivalry we dudes have to deal with.That’s cos deep deep down inside,we all kinda like doing it.Like offering lifts to the ladies at night,helping them with their bags,opening doors for them,doing cute little favours like sharpening pencils,bringing tiny bits of food for their snacking pleasure,favours that if performed for other male friends will result in abandonment due to irreconcilable differences,with differences meaning that you are gay and your dude friends aren’t.So chivalry is kinda OKAY,like how an SPM student not getting all A1s is kinda OKAY,or how not having a date to the prom is kinda OKAY, or how French kissing in public is kinda OKAY.No no,their advantage is much more precise,merciless and cunning.
Their periods.Yes,I said it.That time of the month where the scales tip in favour of those without the Y chromosome.It is God given and it strikes down hard,fast and mercilessly ( on the men,I mean).Yes,I know by now the Bio students will be screaming the obvious : It affects women,not men.But that will probably be drowned out by all the men screaming : THIS DUDE IS A GENIUS!
Picture this,you are with a group of friends at the nearest mamak.Everyone is having a good time,especially the mamak operator.Suddenly,a friendly argument ensues,one which you are heatedly involved in,with topics ranging from the mundane“The Backstreet Boys are Gay” to the highly intellectual “It is okay to date your best friend’s ex” to the absurd “Women need to shop for more than 8000 hours for a pair of jeans”.I mean,what the hell?WOMEN DO NOT NEED TO SHOP IN A MALL LONGER THAN IT TOOK TO BUILD THE DAMN THING!
Whoa,unintentional sidetrack there.Anyway,so the group is having a fine time,with witty banter flowing back and forth.Suddenly,a girl says Something Really Really Offensive like “ ....you are only saying they are gay cos they have millions and are much better looking than you”.Then you begin to sulk and feel Very Very Hurt by this remark,and begin to rationalize that the retort was not a fair one and uncalled for.Using logic and charm,you painstakingly Build Your Arguments,and slowly,one by one,your other companions begin to See Your Point.Then,just as you thought you won the argument, she makes the Most Effective Comeback, “ I’m sorry,it’s just that I’m having/I had/ I will have my period.”.
All your arguments and logic come crumbling down like Arroyo’s approval ratings.No matter how suave you were up till that point,through No Fault On Your Part,you have been successfully demoted to the social attractiveness of a toilet bowl.You have become a Very Very Insensitive Jerk.How could you argue at such length and depth with a girl who is CLEARLY in pain and discomfort?Didn’t your parents teach you never to make a period-ing girl defend her opinions and statements?And OF COURSE you are only saying that because you are Poorer and Uglier than the Backstreet Boys,so why are you so prissy that you have to argue with that poor girl?
So that’s my opinion about the whole period thing.It sucks,but hey,we are chivalrous little dudes,so we clench our fists,grit our teeth,square our shoulders and go off bitching about it to our other dudes and write about them in our blogs.Of course,some of us may feel that its unfair we guys don’t have like a rock solid excuse to be moody,prissy or winning arguments with.We only have but a mere shadow of the power the period exudes,and that’s during the English Premiership League,when matches involving any permutation of Arsenal,Liverpool,Manchester United and Chelsea take place.So the ultimatum-slash-conclusion is,until we can find a cure for that damn thing,the war will go on in a lopsided kinda way every once a month,period.
But that's kinda OKAY for me.

Let's talk about online profiles

Let’s talk about MSN Messenger for a bit. Everyone these days have MSN Messenger. It is one those wonderful new modern inventions which has given us, via the Internet, a whole new way of ignoring each other.

How MSN works really baffles me. You get on your computer, start it up, wait for it to finish loading Windows, double click on that MSN icon, then type in your password, wait for it to successfully connect, and once that happens, completely ignore or forget the fact that you are on MSN Messenger. Surf the Web? Sure, no problem. Check your email? Go for it. But do not, whatever you do, respond to any messages popping up on MSN Messenger.

What is the logic behind that? Do we go to parties, all dressed to the nines, with drink in hand, just wandering around the guests, and when people try to talk to you, you just say, “Oh please don’t talk to me, I am away.”

Why are we always AWAY on MSN?

What’s the point of even showing up online in MSN?

I know what some of you will say, “Oh I just leave myself online in case someone has to leave me a message.”

Okay now, whippersnapper, there are two flaws to that theory.

1) How important can the message be, when that person leaves you that message while you’re AWAY? For all that person knows, you ain’t even in the same room. How irresponsible is that?

If you know someone is not at home, will you still knock on his door to tell him that his girlfriend is cheating on him?

KNOCK! KNOCK! KNOCK!
“Hey uh, JIM? I know you’re not at home right now. I just uh.. wanna let you know that I’m having sex with your girlfriend.”

To me, a message left on MSN tells you a couple of things about the person passing on the message. He is not interested in: -

a) Your part of the conversation,
b) Looking at you or,
c) Hearing your voice.

Suddenly, that person has forgotten that he has a handphone. It is not acceptable for someone to pass along an important message via MSN while the recipient is AWAY, which will probably be read too late, unless of course the person giving the message is stranded in a desert, marooned on an island or trapped in the boot of a car, in which case he won’t have Internet access either, thus making it a moot point.


And, seeing as you are AWAY, how will you know an important message has come in? What are the ramifications of you not getting that message?

“Hey dude, you going to Allison’s All-Bikini party later?”

“What? I didn’t know about that! Why didn’t you tell me?”

“I did, I left you a message on MSN”

“Yeah, but I was AWAY wasn’t I?”

“But you were, technically online, weren’t you?”

“Yeah, but still, AWAY!”

“So you weren’t online?”

“No I was, but…”

“So you’re saying to me you were stuck in limbo between being online and not?”

“No, what I’m saying is, that while I was online, I was in a situation where it would have been just the same as not being online.”

“Then why were you online?”

“Look I don’t know how to answer th-”

“Alright, I gotta go now! My camera’s memory card is in for a longggg night.”

“You’re going without me?”

“It’s an ALL – BIKINI party! Don’t worry, I will let you know all about it later alright?”

“Yeah. Just leave me a message on MSN.”

Thus, we come to the conclusion that you can’t justifiably get pissed at not getting messages left on MSN for you while you are AWAY. It won’t hold up in court, your friend will just laugh in your face, and you will look like an idiot.

Now we come to the second flaw to the theory which of course, is --

2) Who will be sending you messages on MSN when we know that everyone else is AWAY, waiting for people to send them messages?

That’s all for today.