Dear fans and friends,
Thank you for your continuing support for this blog.The fact that there are people who continue to visit this blog and spread the word around has inspired me to keep on blogging, even though I am now in a rather hectic rotation, Obstetrics and Gynaecology.Of course, I may not be able to update it as often, but will still keep this blog a viable and entertaining outlet for all.
Anyway,I would like to just quickly shout out to all the regular visitors a big big thanks!Without you, this would be just like me talking to a wall,but less costly because no need to pay for Internet and electricity.
What I would like is to for you guys to just intro yourselves by posting in the comments section of this post and let us know 4 things.
a) Who are you?
b) What are you studying and at which institution?
c) What do you think can be improved in this blog?
d) How much cash will you personally donate to me so that I can have more money?
I have been checking out the statistics of this blog and realize that there are loads of you guys from Australia who check out this site, as well as the USA. I also wonder who are the people from Russia and Papua New Guinea?Identify yourselves please!
Cheers all, another post is coming soon!
Jason Leong,
The Man.
Sunday, May 25, 2008
Thursday, May 22, 2008
Civilian Defense ( Part 2)
The hail of durians will probably be enough to drive back half the invading force. In an ideal situation, if we have infinite amount of durians and infinite amount of expendable durian-throwers, we could literally repel all attackers and even conquer a few countries of our own. But alas, we cannot afford to waste too many durians.
And so the invading force moves forward, encroaching on our turf. At this point, we stay patient and bide our time, as their tanks roll over the grassy knolls and hills and quickly acquire the quickest route to the capital. As any military strategist will tell you, an invading army will first endeavour to choke out the target by cutting all lines of communication and transport. This can be achieved by controlling all roads and highways that lead to the capital.
But that strategy will not work in Malaysia. Within 5 minutes of the tanks rolling down our highways, they will hear a peculiar noise coming from behind. Curious, they look behind and what do they see?A typical Malaysian driver in his heavily modified Proton Wira, honking at the tank furiously for going so slow on the fast lane of the highway. According to the Law of Typical Acquaintances, everyone knows at least one person who acts like this on the highways. Everyone has that imbecile of a friend who tells tales of driving from Ipoh to Shanghai in less than 45 minutes, reaching speeds up to 160 kilometres per nanosecond. If you don’t know a person that fits that description, then according to The Law, you are that person .
Back to the highway. The person in the car is thinking, who do they think they are?You wanna invade my country?Do it at your own time!I have places to go and things to do!Now please move to the left and let me through! HONK! HONK!
At this point, the tank commander will be in a dilemma. This civilian obviously deserves to be blasted to the sky, but by employing the Malaysian 2-cm Tailgate technique, the car’s front bumper is precisely 2cm behind the tank, and thus putting it at a weird distance, which is too near for the tank effectively fire at it. And so, the commander, after many years of blasting shit into oblivion, moves meekly to the the slow lane of the highway, and allows the Malaysian to pass. I know what you’re thinking. Never even bother to put the signal.
And so, the tank commander then initiates the targeting system to lock on to the car that is now gaining speed and about accelerate into oblivion, with the driver already giving the one-fingered salute. The commander, calling upon years of experience, punches in the correct sequence of buttons and waits for the car to be directly in front. And after a few milliseconds, the car is now at the prime position to be turned into charcoal. The tank driver, his finger already on the FIRE button, wet with perspiration (for it is BLOODY hot in Malaysia) feels the adrenaline surge into his body and then –
BOOM!The tank is smashed into the highway divider by a speeding Mercedes, the driver pissed off that a bloody Proton Wira had the audacity to overtake him 5 kilometres previously. The Mercedes driver at this point has one goal in mind. To drive up next to the Proton Wira, place his Mercedes side by side, stare at the Wira driver and then speed off, leaving the Wira in a trail of dust and smoke, because you only overtake a Mercedes if you are driving a car of similar- if not greater- caliber and class.
That particular incident will happen along the entire stretch of all highways. One by one, the tanks will be crushed on our highways of death. By now, we can safely assume the morale of the enemy has dropped to a significant low, like the ratings of Malaysia Idol and the careers of the winners. And even if, and this if a big IF here, if the enemy still has the guts to pursue on, we have one final defensive mechanism to fall back on.
Let’s imagine that a ragtag army of enemy transport vehicles has safely made it through the highways and are now in Kuala Lumpur. They are by now super pissed off and ready to absolutely liberate the shit out of Kuala Lumpur. Guns loaded and missiles ready at the launch, they head for several key buildings to cripple the capital, like the Twin Towers, Bank Negara, Tenaga Nasional Berhad headquarters, Mid Valley Megamall and if they are really cruel, several crucial mamak stalls.
But they will never get there.
There are several impenetrable forces known to mankind. In Star Trek, we have electromagnetic force fields through which nothing can penetrate. In sport, we have Arsenal’s defence line. Sometimes. In popular culture, we have Tom Cruise’s ego.
In Kuala Lumpur, we have traffic jams.
Nothing can get pass a KL traffic jam. You may try, but you will fail. My father is at of this moment, stuck in a traffic jam on Jalan Tun Dr. Ismail. He started his journey at precisely 8. 30am, 20th February, 2002. The origin of traffic jams can be traced to something called ‘Construction Works’ along strategic areas of KL. No one knows the purpose of this mysterious works. They involve Bangladeshi men with yellow helmets, big tractors and a LOT of cement. No work is ever actively done with the objective of actually physically CONSTRUCTING anything.
Periodically, they will dig a hole in the ground, and they will stare at it. After many hours of staring, they then decide the hole is somehow not suitable. They fill it up, and then dig another hole of similar size and shape next to the previous hole. Again, they stare at it. Once in a while, they will bring out from their trucks brightly coloured traffic cones. They will arrange the cones at random around them, to cordon off a HUGE space around them with which they can stare at holes in comfort. One or two persons will be holding up a large piece of blank paper and stare thoughtfully at it. This will go on FOREVER.
And so my friends, know the signs of an ongoing invasion in our country. Our army may choose not to tell us for fear of public panic (or because international calls from the Phillipines are expensive), but we the educated people of Malaysia know better. Look out for durian shortages, the sudden disappearance of out football team (yes we have a football team), an odd number of Mercedes cars with lightly scratched front bumpers and most importantly, look out for my father and tell him that his family misses him.
And so the invading force moves forward, encroaching on our turf. At this point, we stay patient and bide our time, as their tanks roll over the grassy knolls and hills and quickly acquire the quickest route to the capital. As any military strategist will tell you, an invading army will first endeavour to choke out the target by cutting all lines of communication and transport. This can be achieved by controlling all roads and highways that lead to the capital.
But that strategy will not work in Malaysia. Within 5 minutes of the tanks rolling down our highways, they will hear a peculiar noise coming from behind. Curious, they look behind and what do they see?A typical Malaysian driver in his heavily modified Proton Wira, honking at the tank furiously for going so slow on the fast lane of the highway. According to the Law of Typical Acquaintances, everyone knows at least one person who acts like this on the highways. Everyone has that imbecile of a friend who tells tales of driving from Ipoh to Shanghai in less than 45 minutes, reaching speeds up to 160 kilometres per nanosecond. If you don’t know a person that fits that description, then according to The Law, you are that person .
Back to the highway. The person in the car is thinking, who do they think they are?You wanna invade my country?Do it at your own time!I have places to go and things to do!Now please move to the left and let me through! HONK! HONK!
At this point, the tank commander will be in a dilemma. This civilian obviously deserves to be blasted to the sky, but by employing the Malaysian 2-cm Tailgate technique, the car’s front bumper is precisely 2cm behind the tank, and thus putting it at a weird distance, which is too near for the tank effectively fire at it. And so, the commander, after many years of blasting shit into oblivion, moves meekly to the the slow lane of the highway, and allows the Malaysian to pass. I know what you’re thinking. Never even bother to put the signal.
And so, the tank commander then initiates the targeting system to lock on to the car that is now gaining speed and about accelerate into oblivion, with the driver already giving the one-fingered salute. The commander, calling upon years of experience, punches in the correct sequence of buttons and waits for the car to be directly in front. And after a few milliseconds, the car is now at the prime position to be turned into charcoal. The tank driver, his finger already on the FIRE button, wet with perspiration (for it is BLOODY hot in Malaysia) feels the adrenaline surge into his body and then –
BOOM!The tank is smashed into the highway divider by a speeding Mercedes, the driver pissed off that a bloody Proton Wira had the audacity to overtake him 5 kilometres previously. The Mercedes driver at this point has one goal in mind. To drive up next to the Proton Wira, place his Mercedes side by side, stare at the Wira driver and then speed off, leaving the Wira in a trail of dust and smoke, because you only overtake a Mercedes if you are driving a car of similar- if not greater- caliber and class.
That particular incident will happen along the entire stretch of all highways. One by one, the tanks will be crushed on our highways of death. By now, we can safely assume the morale of the enemy has dropped to a significant low, like the ratings of Malaysia Idol and the careers of the winners. And even if, and this if a big IF here, if the enemy still has the guts to pursue on, we have one final defensive mechanism to fall back on.
Let’s imagine that a ragtag army of enemy transport vehicles has safely made it through the highways and are now in Kuala Lumpur. They are by now super pissed off and ready to absolutely liberate the shit out of Kuala Lumpur. Guns loaded and missiles ready at the launch, they head for several key buildings to cripple the capital, like the Twin Towers, Bank Negara, Tenaga Nasional Berhad headquarters, Mid Valley Megamall and if they are really cruel, several crucial mamak stalls.
But they will never get there.
There are several impenetrable forces known to mankind. In Star Trek, we have electromagnetic force fields through which nothing can penetrate. In sport, we have Arsenal’s defence line. Sometimes. In popular culture, we have Tom Cruise’s ego.
In Kuala Lumpur, we have traffic jams.
Nothing can get pass a KL traffic jam. You may try, but you will fail. My father is at of this moment, stuck in a traffic jam on Jalan Tun Dr. Ismail. He started his journey at precisely 8. 30am, 20th February, 2002. The origin of traffic jams can be traced to something called ‘Construction Works’ along strategic areas of KL. No one knows the purpose of this mysterious works. They involve Bangladeshi men with yellow helmets, big tractors and a LOT of cement. No work is ever actively done with the objective of actually physically CONSTRUCTING anything.
Periodically, they will dig a hole in the ground, and they will stare at it. After many hours of staring, they then decide the hole is somehow not suitable. They fill it up, and then dig another hole of similar size and shape next to the previous hole. Again, they stare at it. Once in a while, they will bring out from their trucks brightly coloured traffic cones. They will arrange the cones at random around them, to cordon off a HUGE space around them with which they can stare at holes in comfort. One or two persons will be holding up a large piece of blank paper and stare thoughtfully at it. This will go on FOREVER.
And so my friends, know the signs of an ongoing invasion in our country. Our army may choose not to tell us for fear of public panic (or because international calls from the Phillipines are expensive), but we the educated people of Malaysia know better. Look out for durian shortages, the sudden disappearance of out football team (yes we have a football team), an odd number of Mercedes cars with lightly scratched front bumpers and most importantly, look out for my father and tell him that his family misses him.
Civilian Defense ( Part 1)
We are living in turbulent times now. The human depravity, the violence, the civil wars. And that’s just the queue at a Ramley Burger stall. We are at the apex of our civilization, and yet, there is a tangible sense of global doom that permeates the air. As I look around at the global devastation, I start to wonder.
“What if Malaysia is attacked?”
Firstly we must rest in the peace of mind knowing that Malaysia is already a difficult country to invade by virtue of the fact that it’s hard to locate. Malaysia is like a the secret level or the hidden power-up mushroom in a Super Mario Bros. game. You can only get to it by stumbling upon it. NO ONE knows where Malaysia is, despite valiant efforts by our government to educate the world. We have tried everything. Hosting the Commonwealth Games, building an F1-level track circuit, dropping the Proton Wira in the North Pole, getting a Malaysian to sail by himself halfway around the world, etc etc. But yet, people don’t know where Malaysia is. The Government’s efforts have been for naught.
Some might say , “We’ve tried everything. What to do, they are ignorant”. But to me, this is not constructive criticism. I feel that instead of spending billions of ringgit building infrastructures and hosting sporting events we can’t win, we should be more direct and erect billboards in all major capitals of the world. The billboards will show an appropriately labeled map of South-East Asia, with the countries surrounding Malaysia coloured in green, while Malaysia itself is coloured in neon pink. Each country should be labeled with clear, block letters except Malaysia, which will have a HUGE orange arrow pointing to it with the words ‘THIS IS M A LA Y S I A’. This method saves money and time because the moment foreign people read the billboards, they not only know immediately where Malaysia is, but they will also think , “Where the hell is South East Asia?”.
Imagine the conversation between top army officials on the eve of their attack on Malaysia.
TOP ARMY OFFICIAL 1 : Are we ready to attack Malaysia?
TOP ARMY OFFICIAL 2 : Yes. The men are ready. The vehicles and artillery are
ready. This invasion should take no longer than 2 days.
TOP ARMY OFFICIAL 1 : Good job. How long will it take to move our troops there?
TOP ARMY OFFICIAL 2 : There?
TOP ARMY OFFICIAL 1 : Yeah. There. Malaysia
TOP ARMY OFFICIAL 2 : Uh, I thought you handled that.
TOP ARMY OFFICIAL 1 : Me?I don’t bloody know where Malaysia is!
TOP ARMY OFFICIAL 2 : Hell I don’t either!Shit, this could be a logistic problem. You
sure you have no idea?
TOP ARMY OFFICIAL 1 : No sir.
TOP ARMY OFFICIAL 2 : Alright, to be sure, let’s check the computer
TOP ARMY OFFICIAL 1 : Okay. . the computer says that West Malaysia is a peninsula
situated between Singapore and Thailand.
TOP ARMY OFFICIAL 2 : Wait…west?
TOP ARMY OFFICIAL 1 : Yeah, the East of Malaysia is situated below the
Phillipines, and it shares borders with Brunei and Indonesia.
TOP ARMY OFFICIAL 2 : What in the name…?There’s two Malaysias?
TOP ARMY OFFICIAL 1 : Yeah…separated by the South China Sea
TOP ARMY OFFICIAL 2 : So Malaysia is near China then?
TOP ARMY OFFICIAL 1 : Not quite actually. The South China Sea is to the immediate
south of Thailand, Myanmar and Cambodia.
TOP ARMY OFFICIAL 2 : Alright, enough with this crap. We can’t allow unimportant
details like geography to hinder the destructi…liberation of
Malaysia. Tommorow, we attack both East and West. And to be safe, let’s take out Cambodia, Myanmar, Indonesia,
Bruneiand the South China Sea.
TOP ARMY OFFICIAL 1 : And what about Thailand?
TOP ARMY OFFICIAL 2 : Leave it. End of year vacation.
Thus, the confusion among the ranks on the exact location of their target will send at least half the invading forces to nearby Australia and Hong Kong. But that still leaves us with the other half. But again, rest assured for we have our natural resources to rely on. Imagine now, the invading army on the horizon, marching on the horizon, guns at the ready. This is how we Malaysians respond : -
We gather a thousand or so expendable people. By ‘expendable’ I mean people who have not played a significant role in Malaysia’s progress, and hence, will not be missed, for example, national football players, Proton engineers, students in Business and History, Ah Bengs and of course, Fauziah Latiff. We get them to charge madly across the battlefield, scream in fury, and maybe yell out a battlecry or two, some good examples are “ YEARGHHHHHH!!!” and “ARGHHHHHHH!!”(Fauziah Latiff may have some pitching problems with this). But here’s the secret. We give each person a weapon. A weapon of incredible power and destruction.
A durian.
Have you ever seen a Mat Salleh react to a durian?It’s like putting two reactive chemicals together on a small metal plate and heating them up with a nuclear bomb. The moment the Mat Salleh sees the durian his face will immediately turn into a shade of green rivaling that of the durian itself, which will then followed by fainting, convulsions, coma and death. This is if he doesn’t choke on the pungent smell. Many moons ago, and I swear this is true, an episode of Fear Factor featured the durian as the second stunt. The second stunt, as many of you not living in Shah Alam know, is considered the Gross Stunt, where usually contestants have to eat gross stuff like cockroaches, intestines, maggots, penises, live worms, brains, eyeballs, fish eggs, wow are you still reading this?, century eggs, tables, chairs, babies, small children, etc etc.
I for one cannot fathom the absurdity of placing the durian as a gross item for indulgence. For us Malaysians, it is a delicacy for crying out loud!It’s literally marked on our calendars as a day of reverence and importance as we savour the King of Fruits.
And so that’s our first line of defence, opening up durians and throwing them towards the enemy soldiers. The combination of the thorns, yellowy goo and the smell will make any enemy think twice of invading.
to be continued....
“What if Malaysia is attacked?”
Firstly we must rest in the peace of mind knowing that Malaysia is already a difficult country to invade by virtue of the fact that it’s hard to locate. Malaysia is like a the secret level or the hidden power-up mushroom in a Super Mario Bros. game. You can only get to it by stumbling upon it. NO ONE knows where Malaysia is, despite valiant efforts by our government to educate the world. We have tried everything. Hosting the Commonwealth Games, building an F1-level track circuit, dropping the Proton Wira in the North Pole, getting a Malaysian to sail by himself halfway around the world, etc etc. But yet, people don’t know where Malaysia is. The Government’s efforts have been for naught.
Some might say , “We’ve tried everything. What to do, they are ignorant”. But to me, this is not constructive criticism. I feel that instead of spending billions of ringgit building infrastructures and hosting sporting events we can’t win, we should be more direct and erect billboards in all major capitals of the world. The billboards will show an appropriately labeled map of South-East Asia, with the countries surrounding Malaysia coloured in green, while Malaysia itself is coloured in neon pink. Each country should be labeled with clear, block letters except Malaysia, which will have a HUGE orange arrow pointing to it with the words ‘THIS IS M A LA Y S I A’. This method saves money and time because the moment foreign people read the billboards, they not only know immediately where Malaysia is, but they will also think , “Where the hell is South East Asia?”.
Imagine the conversation between top army officials on the eve of their attack on Malaysia.
TOP ARMY OFFICIAL 1 : Are we ready to attack Malaysia?
TOP ARMY OFFICIAL 2 : Yes. The men are ready. The vehicles and artillery are
ready. This invasion should take no longer than 2 days.
TOP ARMY OFFICIAL 1 : Good job. How long will it take to move our troops there?
TOP ARMY OFFICIAL 2 : There?
TOP ARMY OFFICIAL 1 : Yeah. There. Malaysia
TOP ARMY OFFICIAL 2 : Uh, I thought you handled that.
TOP ARMY OFFICIAL 1 : Me?I don’t bloody know where Malaysia is!
TOP ARMY OFFICIAL 2 : Hell I don’t either!Shit, this could be a logistic problem. You
sure you have no idea?
TOP ARMY OFFICIAL 1 : No sir.
TOP ARMY OFFICIAL 2 : Alright, to be sure, let’s check the computer
TOP ARMY OFFICIAL 1 : Okay. . the computer says that West Malaysia is a peninsula
situated between Singapore and Thailand.
TOP ARMY OFFICIAL 2 : Wait…west?
TOP ARMY OFFICIAL 1 : Yeah, the East of Malaysia is situated below the
Phillipines, and it shares borders with Brunei and Indonesia.
TOP ARMY OFFICIAL 2 : What in the name…?There’s two Malaysias?
TOP ARMY OFFICIAL 1 : Yeah…separated by the South China Sea
TOP ARMY OFFICIAL 2 : So Malaysia is near China then?
TOP ARMY OFFICIAL 1 : Not quite actually. The South China Sea is to the immediate
south of Thailand, Myanmar and Cambodia.
TOP ARMY OFFICIAL 2 : Alright, enough with this crap. We can’t allow unimportant
details like geography to hinder the destructi…liberation of
Malaysia. Tommorow, we attack both East and West. And to be safe, let’s take out Cambodia, Myanmar, Indonesia,
Bruneiand the South China Sea.
TOP ARMY OFFICIAL 1 : And what about Thailand?
TOP ARMY OFFICIAL 2 : Leave it. End of year vacation.
Thus, the confusion among the ranks on the exact location of their target will send at least half the invading forces to nearby Australia and Hong Kong. But that still leaves us with the other half. But again, rest assured for we have our natural resources to rely on. Imagine now, the invading army on the horizon, marching on the horizon, guns at the ready. This is how we Malaysians respond : -
We gather a thousand or so expendable people. By ‘expendable’ I mean people who have not played a significant role in Malaysia’s progress, and hence, will not be missed, for example, national football players, Proton engineers, students in Business and History, Ah Bengs and of course, Fauziah Latiff. We get them to charge madly across the battlefield, scream in fury, and maybe yell out a battlecry or two, some good examples are “ YEARGHHHHHH!!!” and “ARGHHHHHHH!!”(Fauziah Latiff may have some pitching problems with this). But here’s the secret. We give each person a weapon. A weapon of incredible power and destruction.
A durian.
Have you ever seen a Mat Salleh react to a durian?It’s like putting two reactive chemicals together on a small metal plate and heating them up with a nuclear bomb. The moment the Mat Salleh sees the durian his face will immediately turn into a shade of green rivaling that of the durian itself, which will then followed by fainting, convulsions, coma and death. This is if he doesn’t choke on the pungent smell. Many moons ago, and I swear this is true, an episode of Fear Factor featured the durian as the second stunt. The second stunt, as many of you not living in Shah Alam know, is considered the Gross Stunt, where usually contestants have to eat gross stuff like cockroaches, intestines, maggots, penises, live worms, brains, eyeballs, fish eggs, wow are you still reading this?, century eggs, tables, chairs, babies, small children, etc etc.
I for one cannot fathom the absurdity of placing the durian as a gross item for indulgence. For us Malaysians, it is a delicacy for crying out loud!It’s literally marked on our calendars as a day of reverence and importance as we savour the King of Fruits.
And so that’s our first line of defence, opening up durians and throwing them towards the enemy soldiers. The combination of the thorns, yellowy goo and the smell will make any enemy think twice of invading.
to be continued....
Saturday, May 17, 2008
Chinese People
Nowadays everyone is abuzz with current affairs.Everyone is well read, and up to date. Me? Not so much. Because I don’t have enough money to buy newspapers and when I am online, the only ‘news’ I get are from political blogs written by brave,daring individuals.So my understanding of current affairs in Malaysia usually comprises of unsubstantiated rumours written with emotion and bias.
And my understanding of world events are even worse. I feel very nervous when people asked me, “Hey have you heard of so and so who did such and such at ….”, because my general knowledge is so poor. But over the years I have come up with 2 ‘safety sentences’ which are guaranteed to keep the conversation flowing and more importantly, make me look like a knowledgeable person.
The first one is : “Yeah, trouble in the Middle East again. What we really need is someone brave enough to take a stance, and get the parties involved talking again.That’s how the peace process can resume”
Now of course, that sentence means absolutely nothing to me.Where the hell is this so-called "Middle East" anyway? Somewhere in Perak? But because I have heard it mentioned in the news so many times, and always involving violence and people refusing to negotiate, when I just utter those few sentences, invariably people will agree with me.Brilliant
The second one is : Yeah, China is in a diplomatic mess again.”
This one works because China is ALWAYS in some sort of diplomatic mess. Tibet, Olympic Games, Communist regime, stealing secrets from the US, they are always in the news, and usually in a very controversial position.
The thing about China is that US is afraid of their progress. 45 year old and above man I know has told me the same story, “Hey, China is going to take over the world you know!”, in a tone that suggests that at one time or another, they were King of The World and their knowledge of current events is first class.
I don’t think China is going to take over anything anytime soon. And there are two reasons : -
1) Most of them can’t speak English
If you can’t speak English properly, then your video message that will be sent all over the world proclaiming your dominance over Earth won’t be impressive. And the whole mystique of controlling the entire world will be gone if it is spelt out with subtitles on the bottom of the screen.
2) Chinese people like to gamble.
This love for gambling has been embedded in the genes of every Chinese born. It has been foretold long ago in the heavens when the Earth was made that ‘Damnit, you Chinese shall go forth and gamble”. I shudder to think of the Fate of our world when they negotiate trade deals and declarations of war by inviting the other countries to participate in a friendly, yet highly tensed game of Mah Jong, or Cho Tai Ti.
More of interest to us though, is the way they gamble. I don’t care if you are a professor, Nobel prize winner, MENSA president, etc, if you are Chinese, the moment you gamble, all your intelligence, education and logic goes out the window.
You see, at the gambling table, Chinese people don’t believe in luck. Luck is for losers. Every Chinese person at the gambling table believes that how much money they win is determined by their own hands, and quite literally. Here’s a normal setup for a gambling session :-
A Chinese man is invited for a game of blackjack. After all, it’s a few more weeks to CNY, so best to get some practice in. Real money is involved of course. So the man sits at the gambling table. Now, at this precise moment where he is physically seated and staring into the eyes of his peers from whom he will win their money through the cards, a very important transformation occurs.
Now he is no longer James Lim from Finance, or Benjamin Teoh, father of two, or Teng Hock Aun, veteran coffeeshop operator.
No, now he is the God of Gamblers. In his mind, he is Chow Yun Fatt with a slick hairstyle and expensive suit.
And so the deck is shuffled by an appointed person. The person, having shuffled sufficiently, now distributes the cards, two each to every player. Let’s go back to our Chinese man. He now has in his hands, two cards. The deck of cards is at least a clear 30 inches away from him.
Now lets make something perfectly clear.
There is NO POSSIBLE WAY for him to change the cards that he has in his hands without cheating. NO POSSIBLE WAY. The strength of his two cards in this game of blackjack was determined when the person was randomly shuffling his deck and then distributed. The luck of his hand was there, right in the moment when the deck was shuffled.
But Mr. God of Gamblers thinks otherwise. Because now comes, in his mind, the most important, pivotal part of the game. Everything hangs onto this one interaction between him and the cards. He now has to ‘will’ the cards in his hand to be an Ace and a King, Queen, Jack or ten. Nevermind the fact that what he has in his hands were determined BEFORE he got them in his possession.
He doesn’t just turn them over, because turning them over to reveal the cards would immediately call upon some force of nature to change his cards to a three and two.No, he now has to press with ALL his might the two cards with his palms, as though trying to fuse both cards to become one, and ever so slowly part them, as though trying to erode the very ink of the cards, slowly, bit by bit, micrometer by micrometer, to reveal the edges of the cards.
And our God of Gamblers starts to erode his cards...sweating…herniating…leaking bodily fluids from every orifice available on his face, sweat coming out of every possible gland……okay…come on…let me see a blue line…come on….more sweat coming out…let’s see that blue line…. YES!!!! A BLUE LINE!!! It’s either a King, Queen or Jack!
Now he turns the just revealed card over to shield the other unseen card. And repeats the process…slowly eroding….yes come on…let’s see the edge empty…I want that Ace…more sweat…he is now swimming in sweat….come on..okay so far so good..all clear…and YES!!!! AN ACE!!!
BLACK JACK BABY!!!!
His face flushed with triumph, he slams the two cards down on the table with a flourish, for he has now earned twice the amount of money he has bet. His facial expression is not one of happiness, but that of a person who has actually worked hard for the money. For he earned the Ace and the King. It was through his work of art, involving his hands, that he was able physically make his cards appear so.
Can you imagine the Ruler of the World, a Chinese emperor of sorts, sitting down at a table, with a deck of cards, facing a president of some sort of world charity organization?
“ Okay…if I get an Ace….I will wipe put world poverty…..let’s see…okay…come on…let’s see that edge nice and clear…come on…so far so good…okay…seems clear…wait …oh no…it’s a Two..sorry that means Africa has to give us money instead..oh you’re not happy? Okay let’s take another card…Ace means you get to keep your head attached to your body….okay come on…let’s see that edge nice and clear…hey where are you going?”
And my understanding of world events are even worse. I feel very nervous when people asked me, “Hey have you heard of so and so who did such and such at ….”, because my general knowledge is so poor. But over the years I have come up with 2 ‘safety sentences’ which are guaranteed to keep the conversation flowing and more importantly, make me look like a knowledgeable person.
The first one is : “Yeah, trouble in the Middle East again. What we really need is someone brave enough to take a stance, and get the parties involved talking again.That’s how the peace process can resume”
Now of course, that sentence means absolutely nothing to me.Where the hell is this so-called "Middle East" anyway? Somewhere in Perak? But because I have heard it mentioned in the news so many times, and always involving violence and people refusing to negotiate, when I just utter those few sentences, invariably people will agree with me.Brilliant
The second one is : Yeah, China is in a diplomatic mess again.”
This one works because China is ALWAYS in some sort of diplomatic mess. Tibet, Olympic Games, Communist regime, stealing secrets from the US, they are always in the news, and usually in a very controversial position.
The thing about China is that US is afraid of their progress. 45 year old and above man I know has told me the same story, “Hey, China is going to take over the world you know!”, in a tone that suggests that at one time or another, they were King of The World and their knowledge of current events is first class.
I don’t think China is going to take over anything anytime soon. And there are two reasons : -
1) Most of them can’t speak English
If you can’t speak English properly, then your video message that will be sent all over the world proclaiming your dominance over Earth won’t be impressive. And the whole mystique of controlling the entire world will be gone if it is spelt out with subtitles on the bottom of the screen.
2) Chinese people like to gamble.
This love for gambling has been embedded in the genes of every Chinese born. It has been foretold long ago in the heavens when the Earth was made that ‘Damnit, you Chinese shall go forth and gamble”. I shudder to think of the Fate of our world when they negotiate trade deals and declarations of war by inviting the other countries to participate in a friendly, yet highly tensed game of Mah Jong, or Cho Tai Ti.
More of interest to us though, is the way they gamble. I don’t care if you are a professor, Nobel prize winner, MENSA president, etc, if you are Chinese, the moment you gamble, all your intelligence, education and logic goes out the window.
You see, at the gambling table, Chinese people don’t believe in luck. Luck is for losers. Every Chinese person at the gambling table believes that how much money they win is determined by their own hands, and quite literally. Here’s a normal setup for a gambling session :-
A Chinese man is invited for a game of blackjack. After all, it’s a few more weeks to CNY, so best to get some practice in. Real money is involved of course. So the man sits at the gambling table. Now, at this precise moment where he is physically seated and staring into the eyes of his peers from whom he will win their money through the cards, a very important transformation occurs.
Now he is no longer James Lim from Finance, or Benjamin Teoh, father of two, or Teng Hock Aun, veteran coffeeshop operator.
No, now he is the God of Gamblers. In his mind, he is Chow Yun Fatt with a slick hairstyle and expensive suit.
And so the deck is shuffled by an appointed person. The person, having shuffled sufficiently, now distributes the cards, two each to every player. Let’s go back to our Chinese man. He now has in his hands, two cards. The deck of cards is at least a clear 30 inches away from him.
Now lets make something perfectly clear.
There is NO POSSIBLE WAY for him to change the cards that he has in his hands without cheating. NO POSSIBLE WAY. The strength of his two cards in this game of blackjack was determined when the person was randomly shuffling his deck and then distributed. The luck of his hand was there, right in the moment when the deck was shuffled.
But Mr. God of Gamblers thinks otherwise. Because now comes, in his mind, the most important, pivotal part of the game. Everything hangs onto this one interaction between him and the cards. He now has to ‘will’ the cards in his hand to be an Ace and a King, Queen, Jack or ten. Nevermind the fact that what he has in his hands were determined BEFORE he got them in his possession.
He doesn’t just turn them over, because turning them over to reveal the cards would immediately call upon some force of nature to change his cards to a three and two.No, he now has to press with ALL his might the two cards with his palms, as though trying to fuse both cards to become one, and ever so slowly part them, as though trying to erode the very ink of the cards, slowly, bit by bit, micrometer by micrometer, to reveal the edges of the cards.
And our God of Gamblers starts to erode his cards...sweating…herniating…leaking bodily fluids from every orifice available on his face, sweat coming out of every possible gland……okay…come on…let me see a blue line…come on….more sweat coming out…let’s see that blue line…. YES!!!! A BLUE LINE!!! It’s either a King, Queen or Jack!
Now he turns the just revealed card over to shield the other unseen card. And repeats the process…slowly eroding….yes come on…let’s see the edge empty…I want that Ace…more sweat…he is now swimming in sweat….come on..okay so far so good..all clear…and YES!!!! AN ACE!!!
BLACK JACK BABY!!!!
His face flushed with triumph, he slams the two cards down on the table with a flourish, for he has now earned twice the amount of money he has bet. His facial expression is not one of happiness, but that of a person who has actually worked hard for the money. For he earned the Ace and the King. It was through his work of art, involving his hands, that he was able physically make his cards appear so.
Can you imagine the Ruler of the World, a Chinese emperor of sorts, sitting down at a table, with a deck of cards, facing a president of some sort of world charity organization?
“ Okay…if I get an Ace….I will wipe put world poverty…..let’s see…okay…come on…let’s see that edge nice and clear…come on…so far so good…okay…seems clear…wait …oh no…it’s a Two..sorry that means Africa has to give us money instead..oh you’re not happy? Okay let’s take another card…Ace means you get to keep your head attached to your body….okay come on…let’s see that edge nice and clear…hey where are you going?”
Friday, May 16, 2008
A Pre-emptive Strike!
In September 11,2001,a group of bearded men hijacked a couple of planes and flew them into the World Trade Centre the Pentagon.This tragic and horrifying incident heralded the start of a new global conflict,one that will be remembered alongside the both the World Wars,the Nazi Holocaust,the Cold War and all the other large-scale conflicts that shook and changed the world forever.Also,the man on the street lay witness to terrorist tactics,one which involved a modified type of suicide bombing,which came at a very little cost while giving rise to a maximal damage,both physically and psychologically.
In such harrowing times,Malaysia must be prepared for such attacks.For what if a certain world superpower decided that we harboured terrorists in our own backyard?I mean,the Taliban could very well be chilling on Pulau Langkawi,eating satay at Kajang or roti canai at any one of the thousands of mamak stores nationwide.We must definitely defend ourselves if such an attack on our sovereignity was imminent.And as they say,the best defense is a good offense.So,I suggest we conduct pre-emptive strikes to defend our country.The ends justify the means.
How would we do this,you say?Well we use terrorist tactics,but the difference between my proposed strategy and the one employed by the group of fanatics on September 11 is this : it is not suicidal. This particular tactic of mine only requires a few good men and no one dies.Best of all,it is not even a recognized military strategy,so they won’t know it’s us!My pre-emptive,strike-first-before-they-strike-us strategy is : -
Send some Malaysian drivers to our enemy’s country.
Think about it.We send in an attack squad of maybe 10 to 15 motorcyclists,who are usually between 18 to 21,unemployed and extremely stupid,and supported by 40 other hardcore drivers,you know,bus and taxi-drivers.All we have to do is migrate them there,get them some crappy part time jobs,but here’s the catch : their place of work and their living quarters must be at opposite sides of the enemey city.Then,when they start commuting to and fro work on their vehicles,maximum mayhem and chaos will ensue.Millions of enemy civilians will die,causing great depletion of national resources,manpower and a major dent in their economy,rendering them unable to mount any attack on us.
Driving in Penang is unlike driving in any other place.Here,when you are on a two-lane road and you want to switch lanes,you are not supposed to put on your signal,indicating which way you want to switch,because to the Penang driver behind you,that means he has to immediately speed up to your side,blocking you so that you now cannot switch lanes.This has been written down in our Malaysian Constitution,thanks to the wisdom of our forefathers.In fact,if a Penang driver were to mistakenly put on his signal when attempting to switch lanes and if you are behind him and you fail to block his path,then this will only confuse and disorientate him.This is highly dangerous.
Eye contact while driving is also very dangerous in Penang.Once,in KL,a female friend of mine was afraid of people who stared at her when she was driving,because according to her,”they all seemed like they want to rape me”.Things are not so different in Penang.While driving to Seberang Jaya one day,I passed by an awesome looking Mercedes.As I glanced over to look at it,I happened to look at the driver’s face who looked like a demure Chinese girl.She then returned my glance with a such an intense,unforgiving look that I thought she wanted to rape me.
You may have also realized that in Penang,motorcyclists are – to use the politically correct term – demon spawns from hell. According to mythology,demon spawns are servant of Satan and are therefore not bound to the physical laws that govern our world.This thoroughly explains why motorcyclists weave in and out of traffic with no regard for their lives.If they could,they would weave under a truck.Due to such bravery,I propose that we also train some of the demon spawns to become Highly Mobile Emergency Specialists,who will be on-call 24/7,riding their motorbikes to the rescue,because with all the weaving that they do,they will reach the victims in no time,freeing up the ambulances to cope with the other accident victims left behind in the wake of all the weaving.
With all the chaos of Penang driving,we as medical students must remember that we are above such behaviour.I am proud to say that I do my civic duty to make Penang a safer place to drive.Just yesterday,an obviously poorly trained Penang driver dangerously swerved in front of my car, with his signal on.To gently remind him of his inappropriate driving technique,I pressed both palms on my steering wheel to horn him continuously for 5 minutes,all the while following him from behind to not let him out of my sight.I then drove up beside him,smiled and gave him a cheery little wave,but without eye contact.
Well,I am almost reaching my destination now,so I will have to end it here.Driving while typing on such a slow laptop is quite exasperating,to be honest,but you do what you have – hey it’s that same car I honked at yesterday!Wonder what he is doing driving up so closely behind me.Oh look,the driver’s getting out,maybe he wants to say thank you for the reminder I gave him.Wonder why he has a baseball ba
-END-
In such harrowing times,Malaysia must be prepared for such attacks.For what if a certain world superpower decided that we harboured terrorists in our own backyard?I mean,the Taliban could very well be chilling on Pulau Langkawi,eating satay at Kajang or roti canai at any one of the thousands of mamak stores nationwide.We must definitely defend ourselves if such an attack on our sovereignity was imminent.And as they say,the best defense is a good offense.So,I suggest we conduct pre-emptive strikes to defend our country.The ends justify the means.
How would we do this,you say?Well we use terrorist tactics,but the difference between my proposed strategy and the one employed by the group of fanatics on September 11 is this : it is not suicidal. This particular tactic of mine only requires a few good men and no one dies.Best of all,it is not even a recognized military strategy,so they won’t know it’s us!My pre-emptive,strike-first-before-they-strike-us strategy is : -
Send some Malaysian drivers to our enemy’s country.
Think about it.We send in an attack squad of maybe 10 to 15 motorcyclists,who are usually between 18 to 21,unemployed and extremely stupid,and supported by 40 other hardcore drivers,you know,bus and taxi-drivers.All we have to do is migrate them there,get them some crappy part time jobs,but here’s the catch : their place of work and their living quarters must be at opposite sides of the enemey city.Then,when they start commuting to and fro work on their vehicles,maximum mayhem and chaos will ensue.Millions of enemy civilians will die,causing great depletion of national resources,manpower and a major dent in their economy,rendering them unable to mount any attack on us.
Driving in Penang is unlike driving in any other place.Here,when you are on a two-lane road and you want to switch lanes,you are not supposed to put on your signal,indicating which way you want to switch,because to the Penang driver behind you,that means he has to immediately speed up to your side,blocking you so that you now cannot switch lanes.This has been written down in our Malaysian Constitution,thanks to the wisdom of our forefathers.In fact,if a Penang driver were to mistakenly put on his signal when attempting to switch lanes and if you are behind him and you fail to block his path,then this will only confuse and disorientate him.This is highly dangerous.
Eye contact while driving is also very dangerous in Penang.Once,in KL,a female friend of mine was afraid of people who stared at her when she was driving,because according to her,”they all seemed like they want to rape me”.Things are not so different in Penang.While driving to Seberang Jaya one day,I passed by an awesome looking Mercedes.As I glanced over to look at it,I happened to look at the driver’s face who looked like a demure Chinese girl.She then returned my glance with a such an intense,unforgiving look that I thought she wanted to rape me.
You may have also realized that in Penang,motorcyclists are – to use the politically correct term – demon spawns from hell. According to mythology,demon spawns are servant of Satan and are therefore not bound to the physical laws that govern our world.This thoroughly explains why motorcyclists weave in and out of traffic with no regard for their lives.If they could,they would weave under a truck.Due to such bravery,I propose that we also train some of the demon spawns to become Highly Mobile Emergency Specialists,who will be on-call 24/7,riding their motorbikes to the rescue,because with all the weaving that they do,they will reach the victims in no time,freeing up the ambulances to cope with the other accident victims left behind in the wake of all the weaving.
With all the chaos of Penang driving,we as medical students must remember that we are above such behaviour.I am proud to say that I do my civic duty to make Penang a safer place to drive.Just yesterday,an obviously poorly trained Penang driver dangerously swerved in front of my car, with his signal on.To gently remind him of his inappropriate driving technique,I pressed both palms on my steering wheel to horn him continuously for 5 minutes,all the while following him from behind to not let him out of my sight.I then drove up beside him,smiled and gave him a cheery little wave,but without eye contact.
Well,I am almost reaching my destination now,so I will have to end it here.Driving while typing on such a slow laptop is quite exasperating,to be honest,but you do what you have – hey it’s that same car I honked at yesterday!Wonder what he is doing driving up so closely behind me.Oh look,the driver’s getting out,maybe he wants to say thank you for the reminder I gave him.Wonder why he has a baseball ba
-END-
Wednesday, May 14, 2008
Short Random Thoughts
Short, random thoughts (1)
This is a random segment where I just randomly blast off random thoughts at random, in a random fashion which you then randomly read at your random leisure.Ready?Let’s randomly move on : -
There is soon to be a global food shortage. Excellent news for people trying to diet.
Of all the hypocrites in the world, none is bigger than whoever is doing the voice-overs for radio ads. How can you swear that one brand is ‘the best in its range’ and then the next minute, swear that a rival brand also “ has the best quality”?. We are indecisive, and in times when we need guidance, all we get is you gushing about how ALL the products are awesome.
The radio-ad guy is also a bit inconsiderate. Many times I have heard him urging me to go to some sale at KL, and then the next minute recommend that I buy some holiday package NOW, and hurry while seats are available. Okay, hold on now, which one would you like me to do?
Have you all heard the Hitz.fm community announcement by Ch’nelle ( is that how you spell it?) about how we must remember our roots, our culture, etc etc. The last part of the announcement then goes something like this : “ And to all you Malaysians out there who have moved to other countries, don’t forget to stay true to your roots”, or something like that, I can’t remember word for word.
Question : If a Malaysian has moved to other countries, how can he listen to this announcement by hitz.fm, a local radio station?
By the way, I love hitz.fm. I honestly believe Rudy and JJ are the funniest radio personalities in Malaysia. Sigh…wonder if will ever read my blog…..
I know there is almost no way I can emphatically prove this, but there is DEFINITELY some form of marijuana in Ramley Burgers.
Have you ever wondered why when Elmer Fudd ran off the cliff while chasing Bugs Bunny, he kept on running in mid air, seemingly defying gravity, and then all of a sudden, he stops, then realizes that he is in mid –air, and then falls down ?
I am sure most people wondered, “How did he defy gravity?” But of course,I had a different perception. I was more curious of , “Why did he stop running?He was doing great the first few metres, why didn’t he keep a good thing going?”
Speaking of cartoons,who here does not feel bad for Wile. E. Coyote?
Where have all the kickass cartoons gone? Where are The Thundercats, He-Man, Beast Wars,Ultramen, Transformers, etc etc? We had like, gigantic robots battling evil,giant spacemen killing monsters and now, we have PowerPuff Girls and Sabrina the Teenage Witch.
Has anyone found out who let the dogs out? It’s been more than 5 years man!
Seriously, where are the hovercars ? Are we that behind in technology? How come we can send like, huge rockets across space to the Moon and Mars, but we can’t make relatively tiny cars jet around in our own atmosphere?See, when I phrase it like that, it sounds absurd that we don’t have Proton Angin, or Honda Sky, or Toyota Cloud right?
When I was young I used to fantasize about flying, as in Superman-style. But here’s the thing,if I were to somehow be granted the power of flight, I will only be able to enjoy it if NO ONE ELSE can fly like me.
And when normal people fantasize about flying, its about freedom, soaring in the skies, flirting with the clouds. But when I fantasize about flying, my thought process goes along the lines of : -
“Phew, save money on petrol man!”
“ If I have super strength, I can fly people around and boy, will AirAsia be
pissed!”
*using a megaphone* “Citizens of KL! I CAN SEE YOUR CLEAVAGE!”
“If I have super strength, I will fly to a random toll plaza on the highways and right before the cars reach the toll, I shall carry them, fly up, and transport them to the other side, just to piss Samy Vellu off”
“Oh no, bladder’s full. Nevermind, I shall sprinkle all over the ocean!”
*At a nearby playground* “ Hey kids want to play kejar-kejar?You kejar me okay?
*At a condominium* ( which I don’t even live in) “Aiyoh, lift break down again ah.? This is very inconvenient lah. Oh well, see you all later!” *fly up,slowly*
*At a court trial for alleged trespassing* “ But Your Honour, I swear that I did not step foot on her property while she was swimming in her pool with her bunch of girlfriends!”
*While suspended 20 feet in mid-air, looking downwards* “ Oi, you want to fight is it?Come lar, fight like a man, c’mon what you waiting for?”
“Wow, that’s a lot lah you’re paying for your flight to Ipoh.Too expensive.I wouldn’t waste my money like that.Okay, see you bro” *fly off,slowly*
And now, this segment shall randomly end.
This is a random segment where I just randomly blast off random thoughts at random, in a random fashion which you then randomly read at your random leisure.Ready?Let’s randomly move on : -
There is soon to be a global food shortage. Excellent news for people trying to diet.
Of all the hypocrites in the world, none is bigger than whoever is doing the voice-overs for radio ads. How can you swear that one brand is ‘the best in its range’ and then the next minute, swear that a rival brand also “ has the best quality”?. We are indecisive, and in times when we need guidance, all we get is you gushing about how ALL the products are awesome.
The radio-ad guy is also a bit inconsiderate. Many times I have heard him urging me to go to some sale at KL, and then the next minute recommend that I buy some holiday package NOW, and hurry while seats are available. Okay, hold on now, which one would you like me to do?
Have you all heard the Hitz.fm community announcement by Ch’nelle ( is that how you spell it?) about how we must remember our roots, our culture, etc etc. The last part of the announcement then goes something like this : “ And to all you Malaysians out there who have moved to other countries, don’t forget to stay true to your roots”, or something like that, I can’t remember word for word.
Question : If a Malaysian has moved to other countries, how can he listen to this announcement by hitz.fm, a local radio station?
By the way, I love hitz.fm. I honestly believe Rudy and JJ are the funniest radio personalities in Malaysia. Sigh…wonder if will ever read my blog…..
I know there is almost no way I can emphatically prove this, but there is DEFINITELY some form of marijuana in Ramley Burgers.
Have you ever wondered why when Elmer Fudd ran off the cliff while chasing Bugs Bunny, he kept on running in mid air, seemingly defying gravity, and then all of a sudden, he stops, then realizes that he is in mid –air, and then falls down ?
I am sure most people wondered, “How did he defy gravity?” But of course,I had a different perception. I was more curious of , “Why did he stop running?He was doing great the first few metres, why didn’t he keep a good thing going?”
Speaking of cartoons,who here does not feel bad for Wile. E. Coyote?
Where have all the kickass cartoons gone? Where are The Thundercats, He-Man, Beast Wars,Ultramen, Transformers, etc etc? We had like, gigantic robots battling evil,giant spacemen killing monsters and now, we have PowerPuff Girls and Sabrina the Teenage Witch.
Has anyone found out who let the dogs out? It’s been more than 5 years man!
Seriously, where are the hovercars ? Are we that behind in technology? How come we can send like, huge rockets across space to the Moon and Mars, but we can’t make relatively tiny cars jet around in our own atmosphere?See, when I phrase it like that, it sounds absurd that we don’t have Proton Angin, or Honda Sky, or Toyota Cloud right?
When I was young I used to fantasize about flying, as in Superman-style. But here’s the thing,if I were to somehow be granted the power of flight, I will only be able to enjoy it if NO ONE ELSE can fly like me.
And when normal people fantasize about flying, its about freedom, soaring in the skies, flirting with the clouds. But when I fantasize about flying, my thought process goes along the lines of : -
“Phew, save money on petrol man!”
“ If I have super strength, I can fly people around and boy, will AirAsia be
pissed!”
*using a megaphone* “Citizens of KL! I CAN SEE YOUR CLEAVAGE!”
“If I have super strength, I will fly to a random toll plaza on the highways and right before the cars reach the toll, I shall carry them, fly up, and transport them to the other side, just to piss Samy Vellu off”
“Oh no, bladder’s full. Nevermind, I shall sprinkle all over the ocean!”
*At a nearby playground* “ Hey kids want to play kejar-kejar?You kejar me okay?
*At a condominium* ( which I don’t even live in) “Aiyoh, lift break down again ah.? This is very inconvenient lah. Oh well, see you all later!” *fly up,slowly*
*At a court trial for alleged trespassing* “ But Your Honour, I swear that I did not step foot on her property while she was swimming in her pool with her bunch of girlfriends!”
*While suspended 20 feet in mid-air, looking downwards* “ Oi, you want to fight is it?Come lar, fight like a man, c’mon what you waiting for?”
“Wow, that’s a lot lah you’re paying for your flight to Ipoh.Too expensive.I wouldn’t waste my money like that.Okay, see you bro” *fly off,slowly*
And now, this segment shall randomly end.
Tuesday, May 13, 2008
Online Profiles
Many of us these days have an online profile. You know, those little things you put up on Friendster, Facebook or the likes, telling the world how superbly unique you are by doing exactly what a billion other people are doing.
What I wanna discuss today are the subtle and sneaky ways people have started to use online profiles. Have you ever seen a profile where the user, usually a female and a good-looking one at that, deliberately puts up a photo of herself alongside her trusty female sidekick, who happens to be unfortunate enough to be uglier than the user. And the Good Looking One captions her photo as : ‘ Me and my cute/pretty/gorgeous friend!’
My first thought upon encountering such a profile was , ‘Wow she is HOT!”. After the initial awe had died down, and I had cleaned myself up, I then began to observe The Hot One’s friend.“Wow she is UGLY”. And it’s not like I have anything personal towards the Ugly Duckling, as I myself possess the physical attractiveness and sexual magnetism of a collection of haemorrhoids, but the relative comparison of the two just makes matters worse for the poor gal. I mean, the hot one looks THAT much hotter when placed next to the her ugly companion, who looks THAT much worse. It’s like comparing body fat percentage between me and a pen, and then saying ,’Oh Jason, you are so slim!”
That is just self promotion at its sneakiest. Even Pepsi and Coca Cola wouldn’t do that. The best either company would do is just say “Here is our drink, it is the best in the world”. In all fairness, I suppose one can’t really say , “I am the best looking gal in my group of friends”, as that will produce a catfight even World War 2 veterans would fear to interfere, but still, how dare she?How dare she be so superficial and heartless?
And the caption in itself is the most devilish and cruel of all. By referring to her ugly friend as ‘gorgeous’ , and herself who is good looking as just ‘Me’, that is just rubbing salt, pepper, paprika, and industrial strength hydrochloric acid into an already festering wound. Just for the record, such a thing won’t happen to boys, as an act like that will be described as “Totally Gay’ and that message will be conveyed to the perpetrator of so heinous an act through the medium of fists to his face and knees to his testicular region. And who’s to say industrial strength hydrochloric acid won’t be involved at all?
And what about those really really self absorbed individuals who take a picture of just their face, but THEY ARE NOT LOOKING AT THE CAMERA. Instead, they are staring wistfully into space, showing thoughtful and endearing emotions. How much of a poser can you be? Can you imagine how insulted the person holding the camera is? The person being photographed isn’t even paying attention to the photographer! “What is so interesting to the left of your visual field that you aren’t even looking at me, the loser who agreed to photograph you? Shall I photograph that instead?”
Then it gets worse. Not content with just ONE photo of themselves as their profile photo, some individuals take like, 50 photos of JUST THEIR FACES and then assemble them into a collage of some sort.So now, when you click on their profiles, you are treated to like a million different camera angles of their nostrils, eyebrows, facial hair, pimples, freckles etc etc. It’s like they are trying to convince you , “Look, it’s really me okay?” in case you get confused with someone else who coincidentally share their name AND their facial features.
I once had a female friend named Joanne Low Yan Lee who for her sake of privacy we shall refer to as Miss X who had been going on and on for months about this friend of her friend’s who is ABSOLUTELY gorgeous, with smooth skin, anime-like hair and that dangerous, bad boy look about him. Of course, she had only saw him online on his Friendster profile and the only thing she knew about him was through his testimonials, many from girls who described him as “leng chai”, ”sexy man”, ”bootlicious”, etc etc, all bordering on the pornographic.
When they finally met at a gathering at Starbucks, Miss X nearly puked her coffee via her nostrils.The cruel irony was that this particular dude, whom I shall refer to as Mr. X instead of Justin Teoh Boon Chuan, had the complexion and skin texture of a rotten pineapple. His bad boy demeanour came from several years of evading the law while selling highly illegal yet very much sought after pirated porn VCDs. All his female ‘friends’ referred to him as ‘the sexy one’ out of sarcasm and out of the fact that every single one of them had rejected his advances.
After her coughs and sputters, suddenly Miss X began laughing. I felt a bit disturbed, as clearly this was a bit rude. Mr. X was after all, a stranger she had just met. I reprimanded her for her superficiality. She then apologized and clarified, “It’s just so bloody funny ‘cause he’s actually better looking than you!”. On a totally unrelated subject, Miss X is from house number 12, SS 4C, Kelana Jaya and has a nose the size of Nigeria.
Online profiles do have their perks. But some people overdo it. Have you heard of people who have like, multiple Friendster accounts, and like, a megazillion blogs, each one detailing their personal life by the second? I mean, how many friends can one have? I have seen a few people on Friendster who each have like a total combined number of friends in the thousands. In my opinion, if you have more than a 100 friends, you are a celebrity and no longer need an online profile. Just stick to about 50 or so, and pass the rest to me.
The other day I went to London to visit my friend, Selina Sharmalar Solomon of Biomedical Engineering at Imperial College, UK (not her real name, course or college). The politically correct term to describe her is “Facebook Whore”, and I feel that it has taken over her life. The moment I met her for the first time in a long while, she immediately exclaimed, “OH MY GAWSH, I have not seen you for so long…on Facebook”. I replied that Facebook didn’t appeal to me, and she replied with the most dangerous sentence in all of Womankind - ”Oh”- in a tone that suggested that I had defecated on her bed. To fill in the awkward silence that followed, I decided to ask her about the virtues of Facebook : -
“See see, it’s so cool, you can write on your friends’ wall! And you can also check ‘wall to wall’ and see what others have replied to each other’s wall! Cool right? Faster go write something on my wall!” And if you look at your friends’ photos, you can move your mouse over their faces and their NAMES WILL APPEAR! Cool right? And if you CLICK on their face, you can immediately see their profile! Cool right? And look look, you can give gifts to your friends! *moves mouse pointer over a Teddy Bear icon the size of a thumbnail*. If you click here, your friend will receive the gift! Cool right? And if you want someone’s attention, you can poke that person! Cool right? See, this fella has poked me. So I will poke him back. I tell you, I have been poked by him and his friends for like, 50 times last week. I better go mention that on his wall. Cool right?
We should try to do other stuff besides online profiling. Go out. Talk to an actual living, breathing PERSON. Gossip. Bathe. Fantasize about the opposite sex. Do something you can be proud of. Many years from now, will you tell your grandkids, ”Hey, when I was your age, I had an awesome online profile”? Or when you are lying on your deathbed, you ain’t gonna say , “Damn, I wish I jazzed up my HTML on my Friendster account”. If you got that last joke, you NEED TO GET OUT OF YOUR HOUSE.
So start living life outside of cyberspace more often. But whatever you do, stay true to yourself, don’t be a hypocrite and do come back to this blog often!
What I wanna discuss today are the subtle and sneaky ways people have started to use online profiles. Have you ever seen a profile where the user, usually a female and a good-looking one at that, deliberately puts up a photo of herself alongside her trusty female sidekick, who happens to be unfortunate enough to be uglier than the user. And the Good Looking One captions her photo as : ‘ Me and my cute/pretty/gorgeous friend!’
My first thought upon encountering such a profile was , ‘Wow she is HOT!”. After the initial awe had died down, and I had cleaned myself up, I then began to observe The Hot One’s friend.“Wow she is UGLY”. And it’s not like I have anything personal towards the Ugly Duckling, as I myself possess the physical attractiveness and sexual magnetism of a collection of haemorrhoids, but the relative comparison of the two just makes matters worse for the poor gal. I mean, the hot one looks THAT much hotter when placed next to the her ugly companion, who looks THAT much worse. It’s like comparing body fat percentage between me and a pen, and then saying ,’Oh Jason, you are so slim!”
That is just self promotion at its sneakiest. Even Pepsi and Coca Cola wouldn’t do that. The best either company would do is just say “Here is our drink, it is the best in the world”. In all fairness, I suppose one can’t really say , “I am the best looking gal in my group of friends”, as that will produce a catfight even World War 2 veterans would fear to interfere, but still, how dare she?How dare she be so superficial and heartless?
And the caption in itself is the most devilish and cruel of all. By referring to her ugly friend as ‘gorgeous’ , and herself who is good looking as just ‘Me’, that is just rubbing salt, pepper, paprika, and industrial strength hydrochloric acid into an already festering wound. Just for the record, such a thing won’t happen to boys, as an act like that will be described as “Totally Gay’ and that message will be conveyed to the perpetrator of so heinous an act through the medium of fists to his face and knees to his testicular region. And who’s to say industrial strength hydrochloric acid won’t be involved at all?
And what about those really really self absorbed individuals who take a picture of just their face, but THEY ARE NOT LOOKING AT THE CAMERA. Instead, they are staring wistfully into space, showing thoughtful and endearing emotions. How much of a poser can you be? Can you imagine how insulted the person holding the camera is? The person being photographed isn’t even paying attention to the photographer! “What is so interesting to the left of your visual field that you aren’t even looking at me, the loser who agreed to photograph you? Shall I photograph that instead?”
Then it gets worse. Not content with just ONE photo of themselves as their profile photo, some individuals take like, 50 photos of JUST THEIR FACES and then assemble them into a collage of some sort.So now, when you click on their profiles, you are treated to like a million different camera angles of their nostrils, eyebrows, facial hair, pimples, freckles etc etc. It’s like they are trying to convince you , “Look, it’s really me okay?” in case you get confused with someone else who coincidentally share their name AND their facial features.
I once had a female friend named Joanne Low Yan Lee who for her sake of privacy we shall refer to as Miss X who had been going on and on for months about this friend of her friend’s who is ABSOLUTELY gorgeous, with smooth skin, anime-like hair and that dangerous, bad boy look about him. Of course, she had only saw him online on his Friendster profile and the only thing she knew about him was through his testimonials, many from girls who described him as “leng chai”, ”sexy man”, ”bootlicious”, etc etc, all bordering on the pornographic.
When they finally met at a gathering at Starbucks, Miss X nearly puked her coffee via her nostrils.The cruel irony was that this particular dude, whom I shall refer to as Mr. X instead of Justin Teoh Boon Chuan, had the complexion and skin texture of a rotten pineapple. His bad boy demeanour came from several years of evading the law while selling highly illegal yet very much sought after pirated porn VCDs. All his female ‘friends’ referred to him as ‘the sexy one’ out of sarcasm and out of the fact that every single one of them had rejected his advances.
After her coughs and sputters, suddenly Miss X began laughing. I felt a bit disturbed, as clearly this was a bit rude. Mr. X was after all, a stranger she had just met. I reprimanded her for her superficiality. She then apologized and clarified, “It’s just so bloody funny ‘cause he’s actually better looking than you!”. On a totally unrelated subject, Miss X is from house number 12, SS 4C, Kelana Jaya and has a nose the size of Nigeria.
Online profiles do have their perks. But some people overdo it. Have you heard of people who have like, multiple Friendster accounts, and like, a megazillion blogs, each one detailing their personal life by the second? I mean, how many friends can one have? I have seen a few people on Friendster who each have like a total combined number of friends in the thousands. In my opinion, if you have more than a 100 friends, you are a celebrity and no longer need an online profile. Just stick to about 50 or so, and pass the rest to me.
The other day I went to London to visit my friend, Selina Sharmalar Solomon of Biomedical Engineering at Imperial College, UK (not her real name, course or college). The politically correct term to describe her is “Facebook Whore”, and I feel that it has taken over her life. The moment I met her for the first time in a long while, she immediately exclaimed, “OH MY GAWSH, I have not seen you for so long…on Facebook”. I replied that Facebook didn’t appeal to me, and she replied with the most dangerous sentence in all of Womankind - ”Oh”- in a tone that suggested that I had defecated on her bed. To fill in the awkward silence that followed, I decided to ask her about the virtues of Facebook : -
“See see, it’s so cool, you can write on your friends’ wall! And you can also check ‘wall to wall’ and see what others have replied to each other’s wall! Cool right? Faster go write something on my wall!” And if you look at your friends’ photos, you can move your mouse over their faces and their NAMES WILL APPEAR! Cool right? And if you CLICK on their face, you can immediately see their profile! Cool right? And look look, you can give gifts to your friends! *moves mouse pointer over a Teddy Bear icon the size of a thumbnail*. If you click here, your friend will receive the gift! Cool right? And if you want someone’s attention, you can poke that person! Cool right? See, this fella has poked me. So I will poke him back. I tell you, I have been poked by him and his friends for like, 50 times last week. I better go mention that on his wall. Cool right?
We should try to do other stuff besides online profiling. Go out. Talk to an actual living, breathing PERSON. Gossip. Bathe. Fantasize about the opposite sex. Do something you can be proud of. Many years from now, will you tell your grandkids, ”Hey, when I was your age, I had an awesome online profile”? Or when you are lying on your deathbed, you ain’t gonna say , “Damn, I wish I jazzed up my HTML on my Friendster account”. If you got that last joke, you NEED TO GET OUT OF YOUR HOUSE.
So start living life outside of cyberspace more often. But whatever you do, stay true to yourself, don’t be a hypocrite and do come back to this blog often!
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