More Fuel Price Hike Fun! (1)

Fuel Increase

There has been much anger at the recent decision to raise the price of fuel. As an entertainment piece, this blog will remain apolitical. However, this new development could possibly a defining moment in Malaysia’s history, in sync with that of the world. Will the Digital Age be superseded by a Scorched Era, where the price of fuel becomes so high, nobody can afford to live anymore?

Of course, I am an eternal optimist. Here I will present the brighter side of the fuel price increase.

1) Car thefts will drop to almost zero. No self-respecting thief will rob something that will cost him to lose money. I predict that in the future, car thieves will approach big guzzlers like Mercs and Harriers, break the windscreen and just leave some money on the dashboard to save time.

2) Malaysia will no longer be a nation of obese people, as people won’t be able to
afford food. Also, now everyone will have to walk or cycle to work, increasing exercise time. A healthy Malaysia is a wealthy Malaysia.

3) We will all be forced to be ‘greener’ in our approach to life-style changes. I advocate not just writing on both sides of the sheet of paper, but on the edges as well.

4) Our creativity will grow by leaps and bounds, especially at trying to save more fuel. Current reported attempts have included calling a tow truck to tow your car to work with you sitting in it, as it was thought to be cheaper than actually pumping petrol in your car and then driving it.

5) No longer will we hear of road rage, because nobody can even afford a car.

6) Additionally, with less cars on the road, there will be less traffic offences, thus police officers will have more time on their hands to tackle more important crimes.

7) No longer will government doctors be overworked, as hospitals can only open 12-hours a day, thanks to electricity tariffs increasing. This means more alert and well rested doctors to tackle patients’ problems.

8) We can finally laugh at those rich people who bought LARGE SUVs.

9) The problem of illegal immigration will be solved INSTANTANEOUSLY. No one will dare step foot on our country, since it will make them poorer than they already are.

10) Mamak stalls will no longer be able to operate 24 hours per day, thus curbing the ‘lepak culture’.

11) In the same vein as No. 9, Malaysia will never have war waged against her as no nation can afford the expensive fuel to maintain their tanks, airplanes,etc when they invade us.

12) The incidence of burglaries and robberies of homes and banks will decrease, as it will be much easier and profitable to hold up the pump attendant and siphon off petrol at petrol stations.

13) If the price of oil spikes further, even the number of motorcyclists will decrease, and that means NO MORE MAT REMPITS!!!

14) Traffic jams will be absolutely hilarious, as they will last up to months. This is because when people are stuck in a jam, they become very kiasu and switch off their engines to save petrol, and wait for the first sign the cars in front will move, then and only then will they turn on their own engines. What happens of course, is that EVERYONE is doing the same thing, waiting for each other to move.

15) The phrase “ Do I look like I’m made of money?”, will now be replaced by “ Do I look like I’m made of petrol?”, which at least sounds hilarious.

16) More students will study in local universities instead of foreign universities because a flight ticket to anywhere beyond Singapore requires a mortgage or loan shark.

17) Local travel agents will experience a boon in business. International airlines can only afford to fuel up half a tank for every flight. The strategy will be to fly halfway, then crashland in the ocean, and wish all passengers the very best of luck, and hope to see them onboard again. Thanks for flying!

18) Less land will be used to build cemeteries, freeing up land for housing and development projects, as the trend of the future when one dies is to be decomposed and then used as alternative biomass fuel, enough to power a Proton Wira for a week, saving approximately enough money to buy a house.

19) The rate of fires started by arsonists will be decreased, due to high prices of an arsonist’s arsenal, which includes petrol, kerosene and other flammable sources.

20) Who thinks the phrase ‘arsonist’s arsenal’ will make a good name for a blog or rock band?

21) Cigarette smoking will cease amongst all Malaysians. Sooner or later, even kerosene for the Zippo Lighters will be too expensive. The incidence of respiratory and cardiac disease will decrease dramatically.

22) Open air burning will be a thing of the past.


23) For the 2012 Olympics, Malaysia will definitely win the gold medal for sprinting and long distance running events, as running will be the main mode of transportation from now on.


Here I will end with an anecdote. Yesterday I saw an Ah Beng pushing a Proton Iswara along the road. He was wearing a formal shirt and a tie complete with slacks. The poor dude was soaked with sweat. I wound down my window and asked him if he needed help.

“ It’s okay, my car is not spoiled! I just want to save money, so I decided to push the car instead of turning on the engine. Petrol price so expensive!”, said the Ah Beng.

I was dumbounded. It took me several moments to process what he actually meant. Then I asked, “ Why don’t you walk instead?’, fearing that my question made too much sense for him.

“Aiyoh, my company place got free parking mah!”,he replied.

That’s it for today! Till then, my dear Malaysian friends, keep your chin up, and square your shoulders. Every generation has it challenges. Our parents dealt with the fight for independence, the communist insurgency and many more. This is our challenge, and may we all persevere and prevail!


P/s- Of course the story about the Ah Beng pushing his car wasn’t true. But at least you laughed.

Pres Conference / Book Launch!

Dear friends,

Sorry I haven't been updating the blog as frequently as before. I do have some exciting news to report! The good folks at Marshall Cavendish has secured a date for a Press Conference/ Book Launch for The Twisted Stethoscope.

Venue : Irish Embassy
Date: 16th June
Time : 11.00am
VIP : Irish Ambassador, Mr. Eugene Hutchinson

For the past few days things have been moving fast. Recently I have managed to personally hand over a copy to the Deputy Health Minister, Datuk Dr. Hj. Abdul Latif b. Ahmad . He seemed rather please with it! Also, efforts are being made to post a copy to the Director General of Health, YB Tan Sri Dr. Ismail Merican, (who I emailed last week) as well as the Deputy Minister of Higher Education.

The President of Penang Medical College, Mr. Brendan Lyons has also been very helpful. He is trying to send two copies of the book to newspapers in Ireland. Hopefully, this will be the start of sales in Dublin, my second home for two years.Oh, how the heart aches...

Special thanks goes to: Christine, Leowania, Cassy,Suhana,Jin Jin and Mr. Brendan!

Most importantly : to all you guys for expressing your support. Keep reading this blog, I promise a new post tommorow!

-Jason Leong

Why I don't drive well.

Many people have asked me, “Jason, why does your driving skill suck so much?” Here’s the answer. -My dad was a real badass. Of course I don’t mean ‘badass’ as in kill babies and burn down churches kind of ‘badass’. The ‘badass’ persona that my father possessed was even more terrifying. When he cracked the whip around the house, entire continents would shift, creating massive earthquakes. And I am not using ‘crack the whip’ as a figure of speech. My dad uses the whip with such force that cracks appear on the whip itself.

One of the more fiery elements in our loving father and son relationship was The Car. Oh yes, it was The Car. Sure, it was just a Proton Waja but at that time I was at a tender age of 18, armed and ready with freshly bribed driver’s license and the need for speed. When he did hand over the car keys, his expression was similar to a mother who had just given birth and now handing over her baby to a paedophilic gangster .

But the exhilarating feeling of an engine at the command of my deft manual gear-shifting skills and my foot on the accelerator pedal was second to none. Under my expert guidance, our Proton Waja becomes a Ferrari, zooming down highways with rock music blaring, adrenaline pumping all ove-

RRRRRRINGGGGGG! , screamed my handphone.

I glanced at the screen, while at the very extreme end of my vision, I keep an eye on the road. The screen says “Daddy is Calling”.

Immediately my bowels suddenly became very nervous and out of nowhere, my bladder threatened to give up. I’ve been out driving the car too long! I should have been home by 10. 00pm! A quick glance revealed the time to be …. 1. 00am, which is probably the last time on Earth I get to see 1. 00am.

With an immense sense of trepidation and impending bladder failure, I answer the call. “WHERE ARE YOU?!”, boomed an otherworldly voice. In the background, I can vaguely hear the sounds of weeping and gnashing of teeth. “I er…ah…gulp…I am on the Federal High-“

“ON THE FEDERAL HIGHWAY? WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?”
At the back of my mind, I begin to worry slightly that my father, having dialed my number, failed to recognize that I am his son. “Er…ah I was just about to come home”, I said, while grimacing and contorting my face, the key step to keep my nervous bowels from exploding.
“YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN HOME 3 HOURS AGO! WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU NOW?”. By now I could clearly discern the distinct sound of a shotgun being reloaded. “Er…I ah…. I am just passing by Mid Valley Megamall now. I will be home as soon as-“

“I GIVE YOU 10 MINUTES TO COME HOME. NOW!”

Upon the call having ended, I immediately press the pedal to the metal, hoping to get home within the stipulated time, pushing The Car to speeds unheard off in mankind. Oh please, anything but the shotgun. I reached home within 9 minutes. At the entrance of the house stood my dad, tall, muscular and brandishing a cracked whip in one hand, a fully loaded shotgun in the other. “I …huff…huff…made it home…huff…in time…-“
This time the volume was not threatening to the ear-drum, the bass had lessened.

“Yes you came home in time. From Mid Valley Megamall, yes?”
“Yes “, said I, not recognizing at all the signs that I had just fell into a craftily set trap.
“Are you telling me you got home from Mid Valley Megamall, a place almost 30 kilometres away in 9 minutes? That you were driving at 180km/h? HOW MANY TIMES HAVE I TOLD YOU NOT TO SPEED?”.

From that day forth, when I drive, my butt never touches the car seat due to permanent tenderness. I just hang my upper body by the sheer strength of my arms clinging on the steering wheel.

Identify Yourselves!

Dear fans and friends,

Thank you for your continuing support for this blog.The fact that there are people who continue to visit this blog and spread the word around has inspired me to keep on blogging, even though I am now in a rather hectic rotation, Obstetrics and Gynaecology.Of course, I may not be able to update it as often, but will still keep this blog a viable and entertaining outlet for all.

Anyway,I would like to just quickly shout out to all the regular visitors a big big thanks!Without you, this would be just like me talking to a wall,but less costly because no need to pay for Internet and electricity.

What I would like is to for you guys to just intro yourselves by posting in the comments section of this post and let us know 4 things.

a) Who are you?
b) What are you studying and at which institution?
c) What do you think can be improved in this blog?
d) How much cash will you personally donate to me so that I can have more money?

I have been checking out the statistics of this blog and realize that there are loads of you guys from Australia who check out this site, as well as the USA. I also wonder who are the people from Russia and Papua New Guinea?Identify yourselves please!

Cheers all, another post is coming soon!

Jason Leong,

The Man.

Civilian Defense ( Part 2)

The hail of durians will probably be enough to drive back half the invading force. In an ideal situation, if we have infinite amount of durians and infinite amount of expendable durian-throwers, we could literally repel all attackers and even conquer a few countries of our own. But alas, we cannot afford to waste too many durians.

And so the invading force moves forward, encroaching on our turf. At this point, we stay patient and bide our time, as their tanks roll over the grassy knolls and hills and quickly acquire the quickest route to the capital. As any military strategist will tell you, an invading army will first endeavour to choke out the target by cutting all lines of communication and transport. This can be achieved by controlling all roads and highways that lead to the capital.

But that strategy will not work in Malaysia. Within 5 minutes of the tanks rolling down our highways, they will hear a peculiar noise coming from behind. Curious, they look behind and what do they see?A typical Malaysian driver in his heavily modified Proton Wira, honking at the tank furiously for going so slow on the fast lane of the highway. According to the Law of Typical Acquaintances, everyone knows at least one person who acts like this on the highways. Everyone has that imbecile of a friend who tells tales of driving from Ipoh to Shanghai in less than 45 minutes, reaching speeds up to 160 kilometres per nanosecond. If you don’t know a person that fits that description, then according to The Law, you are that person .

Back to the highway. The person in the car is thinking, who do they think they are?You wanna invade my country?Do it at your own time!I have places to go and things to do!Now please move to the left and let me through! HONK! HONK!

At this point, the tank commander will be in a dilemma. This civilian obviously deserves to be blasted to the sky, but by employing the Malaysian 2-cm Tailgate technique, the car’s front bumper is precisely 2cm behind the tank, and thus putting it at a weird distance, which is too near for the tank effectively fire at it. And so, the commander, after many years of blasting shit into oblivion, moves meekly to the the slow lane of the highway, and allows the Malaysian to pass. I know what you’re thinking. Never even bother to put the signal.

And so, the tank commander then initiates the targeting system to lock on to the car that is now gaining speed and about accelerate into oblivion, with the driver already giving the one-fingered salute. The commander, calling upon years of experience, punches in the correct sequence of buttons and waits for the car to be directly in front. And after a few milliseconds, the car is now at the prime position to be turned into charcoal. The tank driver, his finger already on the FIRE button, wet with perspiration (for it is BLOODY hot in Malaysia) feels the adrenaline surge into his body and then –

BOOM!The tank is smashed into the highway divider by a speeding Mercedes, the driver pissed off that a bloody Proton Wira had the audacity to overtake him 5 kilometres previously. The Mercedes driver at this point has one goal in mind. To drive up next to the Proton Wira, place his Mercedes side by side, stare at the Wira driver and then speed off, leaving the Wira in a trail of dust and smoke, because you only overtake a Mercedes if you are driving a car of similar- if not greater- caliber and class.

That particular incident will happen along the entire stretch of all highways. One by one, the tanks will be crushed on our highways of death. By now, we can safely assume the morale of the enemy has dropped to a significant low, like the ratings of Malaysia Idol and the careers of the winners. And even if, and this if a big IF here, if the enemy still has the guts to pursue on, we have one final defensive mechanism to fall back on.

Let’s imagine that a ragtag army of enemy transport vehicles has safely made it through the highways and are now in Kuala Lumpur. They are by now super pissed off and ready to absolutely liberate the shit out of Kuala Lumpur. Guns loaded and missiles ready at the launch, they head for several key buildings to cripple the capital, like the Twin Towers, Bank Negara, Tenaga Nasional Berhad headquarters, Mid Valley Megamall and if they are really cruel, several crucial mamak stalls.

But they will never get there.

There are several impenetrable forces known to mankind. In Star Trek, we have electromagnetic force fields through which nothing can penetrate. In sport, we have Arsenal’s defence line. Sometimes. In popular culture, we have Tom Cruise’s ego.

In Kuala Lumpur, we have traffic jams.

Nothing can get pass a KL traffic jam. You may try, but you will fail. My father is at of this moment, stuck in a traffic jam on Jalan Tun Dr. Ismail. He started his journey at precisely 8. 30am, 20th February, 2002. The origin of traffic jams can be traced to something called ‘Construction Works’ along strategic areas of KL. No one knows the purpose of this mysterious works. They involve Bangladeshi men with yellow helmets, big tractors and a LOT of cement. No work is ever actively done with the objective of actually physically CONSTRUCTING anything.

Periodically, they will dig a hole in the ground, and they will stare at it. After many hours of staring, they then decide the hole is somehow not suitable. They fill it up, and then dig another hole of similar size and shape next to the previous hole. Again, they stare at it. Once in a while, they will bring out from their trucks brightly coloured traffic cones. They will arrange the cones at random around them, to cordon off a HUGE space around them with which they can stare at holes in comfort. One or two persons will be holding up a large piece of blank paper and stare thoughtfully at it. This will go on FOREVER.

And so my friends, know the signs of an ongoing invasion in our country. Our army may choose not to tell us for fear of public panic (or because international calls from the Phillipines are expensive), but we the educated people of Malaysia know better. Look out for durian shortages, the sudden disappearance of out football team (yes we have a football team), an odd number of Mercedes cars with lightly scratched front bumpers and most importantly, look out for my father and tell him that his family misses him.

Civilian Defense ( Part 1)

We are living in turbulent times now. The human depravity, the violence, the civil wars. And that’s just the queue at a Ramley Burger stall. We are at the apex of our civilization, and yet, there is a tangible sense of global doom that permeates the air. As I look around at the global devastation, I start to wonder.

“What if Malaysia is attacked?”

Firstly we must rest in the peace of mind knowing that Malaysia is already a difficult country to invade by virtue of the fact that it’s hard to locate. Malaysia is like a the secret level or the hidden power-up mushroom in a Super Mario Bros. game. You can only get to it by stumbling upon it. NO ONE knows where Malaysia is, despite valiant efforts by our government to educate the world. We have tried everything. Hosting the Commonwealth Games, building an F1-level track circuit, dropping the Proton Wira in the North Pole, getting a Malaysian to sail by himself halfway around the world, etc etc. But yet, people don’t know where Malaysia is. The Government’s efforts have been for naught.

Some might say , “We’ve tried everything. What to do, they are ignorant”. But to me, this is not constructive criticism. I feel that instead of spending billions of ringgit building infrastructures and hosting sporting events we can’t win, we should be more direct and erect billboards in all major capitals of the world. The billboards will show an appropriately labeled map of South-East Asia, with the countries surrounding Malaysia coloured in green, while Malaysia itself is coloured in neon pink. Each country should be labeled with clear, block letters except Malaysia, which will have a HUGE orange arrow pointing to it with the words ‘THIS IS M A LA Y S I A’. This method saves money and time because the moment foreign people read the billboards, they not only know immediately where Malaysia is, but they will also think , “Where the hell is South East Asia?”.

Imagine the conversation between top army officials on the eve of their attack on Malaysia.

TOP ARMY OFFICIAL 1 : Are we ready to attack Malaysia?
TOP ARMY OFFICIAL 2 : Yes. The men are ready. The vehicles and artillery are
ready. This invasion should take no longer than 2 days.

TOP ARMY OFFICIAL 1 : Good job. How long will it take to move our troops there?

TOP ARMY OFFICIAL 2 : There?

TOP ARMY OFFICIAL 1 : Yeah. There. Malaysia

TOP ARMY OFFICIAL 2 : Uh, I thought you handled that.

TOP ARMY OFFICIAL 1 : Me?I don’t bloody know where Malaysia is!
TOP ARMY OFFICIAL 2 : Hell I don’t either!Shit, this could be a logistic problem. You
sure you have no idea?

TOP ARMY OFFICIAL 1 : No sir.

TOP ARMY OFFICIAL 2 : Alright, to be sure, let’s check the computer

TOP ARMY OFFICIAL 1 : Okay. . the computer says that West Malaysia is a peninsula
situated between Singapore and Thailand.

TOP ARMY OFFICIAL 2 : Wait…west?

TOP ARMY OFFICIAL 1 : Yeah, the East of Malaysia is situated below the
Phillipines, and it shares borders with Brunei and Indonesia.

TOP ARMY OFFICIAL 2 : What in the name…?There’s two Malaysias?

TOP ARMY OFFICIAL 1 : Yeah…separated by the South China Sea

TOP ARMY OFFICIAL 2 : So Malaysia is near China then?

TOP ARMY OFFICIAL 1 : Not quite actually. The South China Sea is to the immediate
south of Thailand, Myanmar and Cambodia.
TOP ARMY OFFICIAL 2 : Alright, enough with this crap. We can’t allow unimportant
details like geography to hinder the destructi…liberation of
Malaysia. Tommorow, we attack both East and West. And to be safe, let’s take out Cambodia, Myanmar, Indonesia,
Bruneiand the South China Sea.
TOP ARMY OFFICIAL 1 : And what about Thailand?
TOP ARMY OFFICIAL 2 : Leave it. End of year vacation.


Thus, the confusion among the ranks on the exact location of their target will send at least half the invading forces to nearby Australia and Hong Kong. But that still leaves us with the other half. But again, rest assured for we have our natural resources to rely on. Imagine now, the invading army on the horizon, marching on the horizon, guns at the ready. This is how we Malaysians respond : -

We gather a thousand or so expendable people. By ‘expendable’ I mean people who have not played a significant role in Malaysia’s progress, and hence, will not be missed, for example, national football players, Proton engineers, students in Business and History, Ah Bengs and of course, Fauziah Latiff. We get them to charge madly across the battlefield, scream in fury, and maybe yell out a battlecry or two, some good examples are “ YEARGHHHHHH!!!” and “ARGHHHHHHH!!”(Fauziah Latiff may have some pitching problems with this). But here’s the secret. We give each person a weapon. A weapon of incredible power and destruction.

A durian.

Have you ever seen a Mat Salleh react to a durian?It’s like putting two reactive chemicals together on a small metal plate and heating them up with a nuclear bomb. The moment the Mat Salleh sees the durian his face will immediately turn into a shade of green rivaling that of the durian itself, which will then followed by fainting, convulsions, coma and death. This is if he doesn’t choke on the pungent smell. Many moons ago, and I swear this is true, an episode of Fear Factor featured the durian as the second stunt. The second stunt, as many of you not living in Shah Alam know, is considered the Gross Stunt, where usually contestants have to eat gross stuff like cockroaches, intestines, maggots, penises, live worms, brains, eyeballs, fish eggs, wow are you still reading this?, century eggs, tables, chairs, babies, small children, etc etc.

I for one cannot fathom the absurdity of placing the durian as a gross item for indulgence. For us Malaysians, it is a delicacy for crying out loud!It’s literally marked on our calendars as a day of reverence and importance as we savour the King of Fruits.

And so that’s our first line of defence, opening up durians and throwing them towards the enemy soldiers. The combination of the thorns, yellowy goo and the smell will make any enemy think twice of invading.

to be continued....