A Pre-emptive Strike!

In September 11,2001,a group of bearded men hijacked a couple of planes and flew them into the World Trade Centre the Pentagon.This tragic and horrifying incident heralded the start of a new global conflict,one that will be remembered alongside the both the World Wars,the Nazi Holocaust,the Cold War and all the other large-scale conflicts that shook and changed the world forever.Also,the man on the street lay witness to terrorist tactics,one which involved a modified type of suicide bombing,which came at a very little cost while giving rise to a maximal damage,both physically and psychologically.

In such harrowing times,Malaysia must be prepared for such attacks.For what if a certain world superpower decided that we harboured terrorists in our own backyard?I mean,the Taliban could very well be chilling on Pulau Langkawi,eating satay at Kajang or roti canai at any one of the thousands of mamak stores nationwide.We must definitely defend ourselves if such an attack on our sovereignity was imminent.And as they say,the best defense is a good offense.So,I suggest we conduct pre-emptive strikes to defend our country.The ends justify the means.

How would we do this,you say?Well we use terrorist tactics,but the difference between my proposed strategy and the one employed by the group of fanatics on September 11 is this : it is not suicidal. This particular tactic of mine only requires a few good men and no one dies.Best of all,it is not even a recognized military strategy,so they won’t know it’s us!My pre-emptive,strike-first-before-they-strike-us strategy is : -

Send some Malaysian drivers to our enemy’s country.

Think about it.We send in an attack squad of maybe 10 to 15 motorcyclists,who are usually between 18 to 21,unemployed and extremely stupid,and supported by 40 other hardcore drivers,you know,bus and taxi-drivers.All we have to do is migrate them there,get them some crappy part time jobs,but here’s the catch : their place of work and their living quarters must be at opposite sides of the enemey city.Then,when they start commuting to and fro work on their vehicles,maximum mayhem and chaos will ensue.Millions of enemy civilians will die,causing great depletion of national resources,manpower and a major dent in their economy,rendering them unable to mount any attack on us.

Driving in Penang is unlike driving in any other place.Here,when you are on a two-lane road and you want to switch lanes,you are not supposed to put on your signal,indicating which way you want to switch,because to the Penang driver behind you,that means he has to immediately speed up to your side,blocking you so that you now cannot switch lanes.This has been written down in our Malaysian Constitution,thanks to the wisdom of our forefathers.In fact,if a Penang driver were to mistakenly put on his signal when attempting to switch lanes and if you are behind him and you fail to block his path,then this will only confuse and disorientate him.This is highly dangerous.

Eye contact while driving is also very dangerous in Penang.Once,in KL,a female friend of mine was afraid of people who stared at her when she was driving,because according to her,”they all seemed like they want to rape me”.Things are not so different in Penang.While driving to Seberang Jaya one day,I passed by an awesome looking Mercedes.As I glanced over to look at it,I happened to look at the driver’s face who looked like a demure Chinese girl.She then returned my glance with a such an intense,unforgiving look that I thought she wanted to rape me.

You may have also realized that in Penang,motorcyclists are – to use the politically correct term – demon spawns from hell. According to mythology,demon spawns are servant of Satan and are therefore not bound to the physical laws that govern our world.This thoroughly explains why motorcyclists weave in and out of traffic with no regard for their lives.If they could,they would weave under a truck.Due to such bravery,I propose that we also train some of the demon spawns to become Highly Mobile Emergency Specialists,who will be on-call 24/7,riding their motorbikes to the rescue,because with all the weaving that they do,they will reach the victims in no time,freeing up the ambulances to cope with the other accident victims left behind in the wake of all the weaving.

With all the chaos of Penang driving,we as medical students must remember that we are above such behaviour.I am proud to say that I do my civic duty to make Penang a safer place to drive.Just yesterday,an obviously poorly trained Penang driver dangerously swerved in front of my car, with his signal on.To gently remind him of his inappropriate driving technique,I pressed both palms on my steering wheel to horn him continuously for 5 minutes,all the while following him from behind to not let him out of my sight.I then drove up beside him,smiled and gave him a cheery little wave,but without eye contact.

Well,I am almost reaching my destination now,so I will have to end it here.Driving while typing on such a slow laptop is quite exasperating,to be honest,but you do what you have – hey it’s that same car I honked at yesterday!Wonder what he is doing driving up so closely behind me.Oh look,the driver’s getting out,maybe he wants to say thank you for the reminder I gave him.Wonder why he has a baseball ba

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