Feng Shui

Another reason why I believe the Chinese will never become a powerful force in the world to be reckoned has something to do with Chinese belief and culture : -

Feng Shui

Now to the uninitiated, let me explain what is feng shui to you. Let me clarify that my explanation about the fundamentals of feng shui is entirely true, and not fabricated or exaggerated in anyway for the sake of being funny. At least until I say so. So the first paragraph that follows is entirely factual.

Feng shui is the belief that one can control one’s destiny by….wait for it….changing the arrangement of your furniture in your house. This means that interior designers and home decorators are effectively masters of the universe.Feng shui practitioners believe that we can harness qi ( or chi ) by moving our sofas and TV sets in such a way that when it flows through our house, we will be…well…pretty awesome in life.

So what is Qi? Qi is…and again, I kid you not.. energy that comes from the dragon’s breath.


There are many flaws with feng shui : -

Lets start with this whole furniture arrangement business. Does this mean that people with no homes cannot have access to this wonderful art of manipulating qi? Or can the flow of qi be manipulated by choosing the right pavement to sleep on, or the right type of SUV to crawl under to sleep at night? How will homeless people manipulate the flow of qi with no homes and no furniture?

But with the power of feng shui, I believe we can solve the problem of homelessness by :-

a) building a large house with all the furniture arranged properly in accordance to qi-manipulation protocol

b) every few days or so, we invite a homeless family to live in the pre-built house

c) we wait a few days, let them breathe in all the good qi flowing nicely through the house

d) suddenly, they will be showered with prosperity ,harmony and all the goodies that come with good flowing qi, and voila, they can now afford their own homes! Without even getting a job or working hard!

Another flaw with this theory is that…if we follow the logic of feng shui, this means that if your house has bad feng shui, this means you will have bad luck or bad health, or yadda yadda all that sort of jazz. Now, I am fairly certain people like Bill Gates, the Pope, Albert Einstein, Johnny Depp, Princess Diana, Mother Theresa, George Bush, and a lot of other influential people of our history do not believe in feng shui and neither can they pronounce it properly. Yet, they seem to be doing quite well, don’t they? Or in some cases, like Princess Diana, they led pretty awesome lives. I mean, if we take feng shui as a means of wealth procurement, I am pretty sure a lot of wealthy people are doing fine without feng shui.

Then there’s this whole dragon breath business. Let me get this straight okay? Many people are not aware of this fact, particularly feng shui practitioners, so bring your face very close the screen when you read the following sentence : -

Dragons do not exist!!!!

Yes, that’s right. Dragons have been extinct for several decades now. Why? Because you know Chinese people, we eat everything that moves and even mighty dragons that fly and blow fire are no match for hungry Chinese people.

There are several feng shui tips posted on feng shui masters’ websites. Let’s look at a few, shall we?

Tip 1: Be on the lookout for bodies of water which often bring good luck

I don’t think the people who were near the bodies of water collectively known as the Killer Tsunami of 2004 will agree with this.


Tip 2: The best way to tap into the health benefits of Feng Shui is to discover the direction that is best in alignment with your best health luck according to the compass formula

No, the best way to become healthy is good diet, exercise and consult your doctor if you feel anything is wrong. If you smoke 20 cigarettes per day, sit in front of an X-ray machine and take hundreds of x-ray of your chest per day, drink nuclear waste with every meal and subsequently get lung cancer, I can almost guarantee you that the awesome feng shui of your house WILL NOT reverse your cancer.

Tips 3: Place a three legged toad in your living room near the front door for money luck.

Okay………

Tip 4 : Toilets are especially harmful, since this literally means flushing away all your marriage prospects. If you find you have a toilet placed in exactly the South-West corner of your home, and there is nothing you can do about it, then stop using this toilet altogether.

Because the best way to improve your marriage prospects is to leave faeces all over your house. The aroma of material that spent at least 2 hours in your bowels and bladder will act as a potent aphrodisiac, rendering your date or suitor unconscious, thus allowing you to do whatever you may please.

Tip 5 : Buy a indoor water fountain and place it in the south-west corner of your home, you will be amazed at the effect this can have on a relationship, or encourage a new one.

If you are not amazed by how fast the indoor water fountain can deplete your monthly savings via the water bill, you will definitely be amazed by how water-borne infections like dengue and malaria will improve your relationship.

Tip 6 ( with regards to feng shui in your work place) : If your staff always fall sick in that area, then use a metal wind chime made of 6 or 7 metal rods about 1ft long are the best as the sound of metal is the best Feng Shui cure

I think if your staff always fall sick, please send them to the doctor. A metal wind chime will not stop projectile vomiting or haemorrhoids.

Tip 7 : Crystal ball, apart from looking into future you can place on top of phone to encourage more business calls.

HOW THE HELL ARE YOU GOING TO PICK UP THE PHONE?!!!!!!

That’s all for today.