The hail of durians will probably be enough to drive back half the invading force. In an ideal situation, if we have infinite amount of durians and infinite amount of expendable durian-throwers, we could literally repel all attackers and even conquer a few countries of our own. But alas, we cannot afford to waste too many durians.
And so the invading force moves forward, encroaching on our turf. At this point, we stay patient and bide our time, as their tanks roll over the grassy knolls and hills and quickly acquire the quickest route to the capital. As any military strategist will tell you, an invading army will first endeavour to choke out the target by cutting all lines of communication and transport. This can be achieved by controlling all roads and highways that lead to the capital.
But that strategy will not work in Malaysia. Within 5 minutes of the tanks rolling down our highways, they will hear a peculiar noise coming from behind. Curious, they look behind and what do they see?A typical Malaysian driver in his heavily modified Proton Wira, honking at the tank furiously for going so slow on the fast lane of the highway. According to the Law of Typical Acquaintances, everyone knows at least one person who acts like this on the highways. Everyone has that imbecile of a friend who tells tales of driving from Ipoh to Shanghai in less than 45 minutes, reaching speeds up to 160 kilometres per nanosecond. If you don’t know a person that fits that description, then according to The Law, you are that person .
Back to the highway. The person in the car is thinking, who do they think they are?You wanna invade my country?Do it at your own time!I have places to go and things to do!Now please move to the left and let me through! HONK! HONK!
At this point, the tank commander will be in a dilemma. This civilian obviously deserves to be blasted to the sky, but by employing the Malaysian 2-cm Tailgate technique, the car’s front bumper is precisely 2cm behind the tank, and thus putting it at a weird distance, which is too near for the tank effectively fire at it. And so, the commander, after many years of blasting shit into oblivion, moves meekly to the the slow lane of the highway, and allows the Malaysian to pass. I know what you’re thinking. Never even bother to put the signal.
And so, the tank commander then initiates the targeting system to lock on to the car that is now gaining speed and about accelerate into oblivion, with the driver already giving the one-fingered salute. The commander, calling upon years of experience, punches in the correct sequence of buttons and waits for the car to be directly in front. And after a few milliseconds, the car is now at the prime position to be turned into charcoal. The tank driver, his finger already on the FIRE button, wet with perspiration (for it is BLOODY hot in Malaysia) feels the adrenaline surge into his body and then –
BOOM!The tank is smashed into the highway divider by a speeding Mercedes, the driver pissed off that a bloody Proton Wira had the audacity to overtake him 5 kilometres previously. The Mercedes driver at this point has one goal in mind. To drive up next to the Proton Wira, place his Mercedes side by side, stare at the Wira driver and then speed off, leaving the Wira in a trail of dust and smoke, because you only overtake a Mercedes if you are driving a car of similar- if not greater- caliber and class.
That particular incident will happen along the entire stretch of all highways. One by one, the tanks will be crushed on our highways of death. By now, we can safely assume the morale of the enemy has dropped to a significant low, like the ratings of Malaysia Idol and the careers of the winners. And even if, and this if a big IF here, if the enemy still has the guts to pursue on, we have one final defensive mechanism to fall back on.
Let’s imagine that a ragtag army of enemy transport vehicles has safely made it through the highways and are now in Kuala Lumpur. They are by now super pissed off and ready to absolutely liberate the shit out of Kuala Lumpur. Guns loaded and missiles ready at the launch, they head for several key buildings to cripple the capital, like the Twin Towers, Bank Negara, Tenaga Nasional Berhad headquarters, Mid Valley Megamall and if they are really cruel, several crucial mamak stalls.
But they will never get there.
There are several impenetrable forces known to mankind. In Star Trek, we have electromagnetic force fields through which nothing can penetrate. In sport, we have Arsenal’s defence line. Sometimes. In popular culture, we have Tom Cruise’s ego.
In Kuala Lumpur, we have traffic jams.
Nothing can get pass a KL traffic jam. You may try, but you will fail. My father is at of this moment, stuck in a traffic jam on Jalan Tun Dr. Ismail. He started his journey at precisely 8. 30am, 20th February, 2002. The origin of traffic jams can be traced to something called ‘Construction Works’ along strategic areas of KL. No one knows the purpose of this mysterious works. They involve Bangladeshi men with yellow helmets, big tractors and a LOT of cement. No work is ever actively done with the objective of actually physically CONSTRUCTING anything.
Periodically, they will dig a hole in the ground, and they will stare at it. After many hours of staring, they then decide the hole is somehow not suitable. They fill it up, and then dig another hole of similar size and shape next to the previous hole. Again, they stare at it. Once in a while, they will bring out from their trucks brightly coloured traffic cones. They will arrange the cones at random around them, to cordon off a HUGE space around them with which they can stare at holes in comfort. One or two persons will be holding up a large piece of blank paper and stare thoughtfully at it. This will go on FOREVER.
And so my friends, know the signs of an ongoing invasion in our country. Our army may choose not to tell us for fear of public panic (or because international calls from the Phillipines are expensive), but we the educated people of Malaysia know better. Look out for durian shortages, the sudden disappearance of out football team (yes we have a football team), an odd number of Mercedes cars with lightly scratched front bumpers and most importantly, look out for my father and tell him that his family misses him.
Thursday, May 22, 2008
Civilian Defense ( Part 1)
We are living in turbulent times now. The human depravity, the violence, the civil wars. And that’s just the queue at a Ramley Burger stall. We are at the apex of our civilization, and yet, there is a tangible sense of global doom that permeates the air. As I look around at the global devastation, I start to wonder.
“What if Malaysia is attacked?”
Firstly we must rest in the peace of mind knowing that Malaysia is already a difficult country to invade by virtue of the fact that it’s hard to locate. Malaysia is like a the secret level or the hidden power-up mushroom in a Super Mario Bros. game. You can only get to it by stumbling upon it. NO ONE knows where Malaysia is, despite valiant efforts by our government to educate the world. We have tried everything. Hosting the Commonwealth Games, building an F1-level track circuit, dropping the Proton Wira in the North Pole, getting a Malaysian to sail by himself halfway around the world, etc etc. But yet, people don’t know where Malaysia is. The Government’s efforts have been for naught.
Some might say , “We’ve tried everything. What to do, they are ignorant”. But to me, this is not constructive criticism. I feel that instead of spending billions of ringgit building infrastructures and hosting sporting events we can’t win, we should be more direct and erect billboards in all major capitals of the world. The billboards will show an appropriately labeled map of South-East Asia, with the countries surrounding Malaysia coloured in green, while Malaysia itself is coloured in neon pink. Each country should be labeled with clear, block letters except Malaysia, which will have a HUGE orange arrow pointing to it with the words ‘THIS IS M A LA Y S I A’. This method saves money and time because the moment foreign people read the billboards, they not only know immediately where Malaysia is, but they will also think , “Where the hell is South East Asia?”.
Imagine the conversation between top army officials on the eve of their attack on Malaysia.
TOP ARMY OFFICIAL 1 : Are we ready to attack Malaysia?
TOP ARMY OFFICIAL 2 : Yes. The men are ready. The vehicles and artillery are
ready. This invasion should take no longer than 2 days.
TOP ARMY OFFICIAL 1 : Good job. How long will it take to move our troops there?
TOP ARMY OFFICIAL 2 : There?
TOP ARMY OFFICIAL 1 : Yeah. There. Malaysia
TOP ARMY OFFICIAL 2 : Uh, I thought you handled that.
TOP ARMY OFFICIAL 1 : Me?I don’t bloody know where Malaysia is!
TOP ARMY OFFICIAL 2 : Hell I don’t either!Shit, this could be a logistic problem. You
sure you have no idea?
TOP ARMY OFFICIAL 1 : No sir.
TOP ARMY OFFICIAL 2 : Alright, to be sure, let’s check the computer
TOP ARMY OFFICIAL 1 : Okay. . the computer says that West Malaysia is a peninsula
situated between Singapore and Thailand.
TOP ARMY OFFICIAL 2 : Wait…west?
TOP ARMY OFFICIAL 1 : Yeah, the East of Malaysia is situated below the
Phillipines, and it shares borders with Brunei and Indonesia.
TOP ARMY OFFICIAL 2 : What in the name…?There’s two Malaysias?
TOP ARMY OFFICIAL 1 : Yeah…separated by the South China Sea
TOP ARMY OFFICIAL 2 : So Malaysia is near China then?
TOP ARMY OFFICIAL 1 : Not quite actually. The South China Sea is to the immediate
south of Thailand, Myanmar and Cambodia.
TOP ARMY OFFICIAL 2 : Alright, enough with this crap. We can’t allow unimportant
details like geography to hinder the destructi…liberation of
Malaysia. Tommorow, we attack both East and West. And to be safe, let’s take out Cambodia, Myanmar, Indonesia,
Bruneiand the South China Sea.
TOP ARMY OFFICIAL 1 : And what about Thailand?
TOP ARMY OFFICIAL 2 : Leave it. End of year vacation.
Thus, the confusion among the ranks on the exact location of their target will send at least half the invading forces to nearby Australia and Hong Kong. But that still leaves us with the other half. But again, rest assured for we have our natural resources to rely on. Imagine now, the invading army on the horizon, marching on the horizon, guns at the ready. This is how we Malaysians respond : -
We gather a thousand or so expendable people. By ‘expendable’ I mean people who have not played a significant role in Malaysia’s progress, and hence, will not be missed, for example, national football players, Proton engineers, students in Business and History, Ah Bengs and of course, Fauziah Latiff. We get them to charge madly across the battlefield, scream in fury, and maybe yell out a battlecry or two, some good examples are “ YEARGHHHHHH!!!” and “ARGHHHHHHH!!”(Fauziah Latiff may have some pitching problems with this). But here’s the secret. We give each person a weapon. A weapon of incredible power and destruction.
A durian.
Have you ever seen a Mat Salleh react to a durian?It’s like putting two reactive chemicals together on a small metal plate and heating them up with a nuclear bomb. The moment the Mat Salleh sees the durian his face will immediately turn into a shade of green rivaling that of the durian itself, which will then followed by fainting, convulsions, coma and death. This is if he doesn’t choke on the pungent smell. Many moons ago, and I swear this is true, an episode of Fear Factor featured the durian as the second stunt. The second stunt, as many of you not living in Shah Alam know, is considered the Gross Stunt, where usually contestants have to eat gross stuff like cockroaches, intestines, maggots, penises, live worms, brains, eyeballs, fish eggs, wow are you still reading this?, century eggs, tables, chairs, babies, small children, etc etc.
I for one cannot fathom the absurdity of placing the durian as a gross item for indulgence. For us Malaysians, it is a delicacy for crying out loud!It’s literally marked on our calendars as a day of reverence and importance as we savour the King of Fruits.
And so that’s our first line of defence, opening up durians and throwing them towards the enemy soldiers. The combination of the thorns, yellowy goo and the smell will make any enemy think twice of invading.
to be continued....
“What if Malaysia is attacked?”
Firstly we must rest in the peace of mind knowing that Malaysia is already a difficult country to invade by virtue of the fact that it’s hard to locate. Malaysia is like a the secret level or the hidden power-up mushroom in a Super Mario Bros. game. You can only get to it by stumbling upon it. NO ONE knows where Malaysia is, despite valiant efforts by our government to educate the world. We have tried everything. Hosting the Commonwealth Games, building an F1-level track circuit, dropping the Proton Wira in the North Pole, getting a Malaysian to sail by himself halfway around the world, etc etc. But yet, people don’t know where Malaysia is. The Government’s efforts have been for naught.
Some might say , “We’ve tried everything. What to do, they are ignorant”. But to me, this is not constructive criticism. I feel that instead of spending billions of ringgit building infrastructures and hosting sporting events we can’t win, we should be more direct and erect billboards in all major capitals of the world. The billboards will show an appropriately labeled map of South-East Asia, with the countries surrounding Malaysia coloured in green, while Malaysia itself is coloured in neon pink. Each country should be labeled with clear, block letters except Malaysia, which will have a HUGE orange arrow pointing to it with the words ‘THIS IS M A LA Y S I A’. This method saves money and time because the moment foreign people read the billboards, they not only know immediately where Malaysia is, but they will also think , “Where the hell is South East Asia?”.
Imagine the conversation between top army officials on the eve of their attack on Malaysia.
TOP ARMY OFFICIAL 1 : Are we ready to attack Malaysia?
TOP ARMY OFFICIAL 2 : Yes. The men are ready. The vehicles and artillery are
ready. This invasion should take no longer than 2 days.
TOP ARMY OFFICIAL 1 : Good job. How long will it take to move our troops there?
TOP ARMY OFFICIAL 2 : There?
TOP ARMY OFFICIAL 1 : Yeah. There. Malaysia
TOP ARMY OFFICIAL 2 : Uh, I thought you handled that.
TOP ARMY OFFICIAL 1 : Me?I don’t bloody know where Malaysia is!
TOP ARMY OFFICIAL 2 : Hell I don’t either!Shit, this could be a logistic problem. You
sure you have no idea?
TOP ARMY OFFICIAL 1 : No sir.
TOP ARMY OFFICIAL 2 : Alright, to be sure, let’s check the computer
TOP ARMY OFFICIAL 1 : Okay. . the computer says that West Malaysia is a peninsula
situated between Singapore and Thailand.
TOP ARMY OFFICIAL 2 : Wait…west?
TOP ARMY OFFICIAL 1 : Yeah, the East of Malaysia is situated below the
Phillipines, and it shares borders with Brunei and Indonesia.
TOP ARMY OFFICIAL 2 : What in the name…?There’s two Malaysias?
TOP ARMY OFFICIAL 1 : Yeah…separated by the South China Sea
TOP ARMY OFFICIAL 2 : So Malaysia is near China then?
TOP ARMY OFFICIAL 1 : Not quite actually. The South China Sea is to the immediate
south of Thailand, Myanmar and Cambodia.
TOP ARMY OFFICIAL 2 : Alright, enough with this crap. We can’t allow unimportant
details like geography to hinder the destructi…liberation of
Malaysia. Tommorow, we attack both East and West. And to be safe, let’s take out Cambodia, Myanmar, Indonesia,
Bruneiand the South China Sea.
TOP ARMY OFFICIAL 1 : And what about Thailand?
TOP ARMY OFFICIAL 2 : Leave it. End of year vacation.
Thus, the confusion among the ranks on the exact location of their target will send at least half the invading forces to nearby Australia and Hong Kong. But that still leaves us with the other half. But again, rest assured for we have our natural resources to rely on. Imagine now, the invading army on the horizon, marching on the horizon, guns at the ready. This is how we Malaysians respond : -
We gather a thousand or so expendable people. By ‘expendable’ I mean people who have not played a significant role in Malaysia’s progress, and hence, will not be missed, for example, national football players, Proton engineers, students in Business and History, Ah Bengs and of course, Fauziah Latiff. We get them to charge madly across the battlefield, scream in fury, and maybe yell out a battlecry or two, some good examples are “ YEARGHHHHHH!!!” and “ARGHHHHHHH!!”(Fauziah Latiff may have some pitching problems with this). But here’s the secret. We give each person a weapon. A weapon of incredible power and destruction.
A durian.
Have you ever seen a Mat Salleh react to a durian?It’s like putting two reactive chemicals together on a small metal plate and heating them up with a nuclear bomb. The moment the Mat Salleh sees the durian his face will immediately turn into a shade of green rivaling that of the durian itself, which will then followed by fainting, convulsions, coma and death. This is if he doesn’t choke on the pungent smell. Many moons ago, and I swear this is true, an episode of Fear Factor featured the durian as the second stunt. The second stunt, as many of you not living in Shah Alam know, is considered the Gross Stunt, where usually contestants have to eat gross stuff like cockroaches, intestines, maggots, penises, live worms, brains, eyeballs, fish eggs, wow are you still reading this?, century eggs, tables, chairs, babies, small children, etc etc.
I for one cannot fathom the absurdity of placing the durian as a gross item for indulgence. For us Malaysians, it is a delicacy for crying out loud!It’s literally marked on our calendars as a day of reverence and importance as we savour the King of Fruits.
And so that’s our first line of defence, opening up durians and throwing them towards the enemy soldiers. The combination of the thorns, yellowy goo and the smell will make any enemy think twice of invading.
to be continued....
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