Chinese People

Nowadays everyone is abuzz with current affairs.Everyone is well read, and up to date. Me? Not so much. Because I don’t have enough money to buy newspapers and when I am online, the only ‘news’ I get are from political blogs written by brave,daring individuals.So my understanding of current affairs in Malaysia usually comprises of unsubstantiated rumours written with emotion and bias.

And my understanding of world events are even worse. I feel very nervous when people asked me, “Hey have you heard of so and so who did such and such at ….”, because my general knowledge is so poor. But over the years I have come up with 2 ‘safety sentences’ which are guaranteed to keep the conversation flowing and more importantly, make me look like a knowledgeable person.

The first one is : “Yeah, trouble in the Middle East again. What we really need is someone brave enough to take a stance, and get the parties involved talking again.That’s how the peace process can resume”

Now of course, that sentence means absolutely nothing to me.Where the hell is this so-called "Middle East" anyway? Somewhere in Perak? But because I have heard it mentioned in the news so many times, and always involving violence and people refusing to negotiate, when I just utter those few sentences, invariably people will agree with me.Brilliant

The second one is : Yeah, China is in a diplomatic mess again.”

This one works because China is ALWAYS in some sort of diplomatic mess. Tibet, Olympic Games, Communist regime, stealing secrets from the US, they are always in the news, and usually in a very controversial position.

The thing about China is that US is afraid of their progress. 45 year old and above man I know has told me the same story, “Hey, China is going to take over the world you know!”, in a tone that suggests that at one time or another, they were King of The World and their knowledge of current events is first class.

I don’t think China is going to take over anything anytime soon. And there are two reasons : -

1) Most of them can’t speak English

If you can’t speak English properly, then your video message that will be sent all over the world proclaiming your dominance over Earth won’t be impressive. And the whole mystique of controlling the entire world will be gone if it is spelt out with subtitles on the bottom of the screen.

2) Chinese people like to gamble.

This love for gambling has been embedded in the genes of every Chinese born. It has been foretold long ago in the heavens when the Earth was made that ‘Damnit, you Chinese shall go forth and gamble”. I shudder to think of the Fate of our world when they negotiate trade deals and declarations of war by inviting the other countries to participate in a friendly, yet highly tensed game of Mah Jong, or Cho Tai Ti.

More of interest to us though, is the way they gamble. I don’t care if you are a professor, Nobel prize winner, MENSA president, etc, if you are Chinese, the moment you gamble, all your intelligence, education and logic goes out the window.

You see, at the gambling table, Chinese people don’t believe in luck. Luck is for losers. Every Chinese person at the gambling table believes that how much money they win is determined by their own hands, and quite literally. Here’s a normal setup for a gambling session :-

A Chinese man is invited for a game of blackjack. After all, it’s a few more weeks to CNY, so best to get some practice in. Real money is involved of course. So the man sits at the gambling table. Now, at this precise moment where he is physically seated and staring into the eyes of his peers from whom he will win their money through the cards, a very important transformation occurs.

Now he is no longer James Lim from Finance, or Benjamin Teoh, father of two, or Teng Hock Aun, veteran coffeeshop operator.

No, now he is the God of Gamblers. In his mind, he is Chow Yun Fatt with a slick hairstyle and expensive suit.

And so the deck is shuffled by an appointed person. The person, having shuffled sufficiently, now distributes the cards, two each to every player. Let’s go back to our Chinese man. He now has in his hands, two cards. The deck of cards is at least a clear 30 inches away from him.

Now lets make something perfectly clear.

There is NO POSSIBLE WAY for him to change the cards that he has in his hands without cheating. NO POSSIBLE WAY. The strength of his two cards in this game of blackjack was determined when the person was randomly shuffling his deck and then distributed. The luck of his hand was there, right in the moment when the deck was shuffled.

But Mr. God of Gamblers thinks otherwise. Because now comes, in his mind, the most important, pivotal part of the game. Everything hangs onto this one interaction between him and the cards. He now has to ‘will’ the cards in his hand to be an Ace and a King, Queen, Jack or ten. Nevermind the fact that what he has in his hands were determined BEFORE he got them in his possession.

He doesn’t just turn them over, because turning them over to reveal the cards would immediately call upon some force of nature to change his cards to a three and two.No, he now has to press with ALL his might the two cards with his palms, as though trying to fuse both cards to become one, and ever so slowly part them, as though trying to erode the very ink of the cards, slowly, bit by bit, micrometer by micrometer, to reveal the edges of the cards.

And our God of Gamblers starts to erode his cards...sweating…herniating…leaking bodily fluids from every orifice available on his face, sweat coming out of every possible gland……okay…come on…let me see a blue line…come on….more sweat coming out…let’s see that blue line…. YES!!!! A BLUE LINE!!! It’s either a King, Queen or Jack!

Now he turns the just revealed card over to shield the other unseen card. And repeats the process…slowly eroding….yes come on…let’s see the edge empty…I want that Ace…more sweat…he is now swimming in sweat….come on..okay so far so good..all clear…and YES!!!! AN ACE!!!
BLACK JACK BABY!!!!

His face flushed with triumph, he slams the two cards down on the table with a flourish, for he has now earned twice the amount of money he has bet. His facial expression is not one of happiness, but that of a person who has actually worked hard for the money. For he earned the Ace and the King. It was through his work of art, involving his hands, that he was able physically make his cards appear so.

Can you imagine the Ruler of the World, a Chinese emperor of sorts, sitting down at a table, with a deck of cards, facing a president of some sort of world charity organization?

“ Okay…if I get an Ace….I will wipe put world poverty…..let’s see…okay…come on…let’s see that edge nice and clear…come on…so far so good…okay…seems clear…wait …oh no…it’s a Two..sorry that means Africa has to give us money instead..oh you’re not happy? Okay let’s take another card…Ace means you get to keep your head attached to your body….okay come on…let’s see that edge nice and clear…hey where are you going?”