Lamp Post

Everyone hates to be a lamp post. I don’t mean being an actual lamp post, made of metal, filled with wires, forever stationary on some random, back alley or downtown street.I am talking about being the social role that you assume when you (and only you) are in the presence of another couple who are your friends.

I have to say here at this juncture that being an actual lamp post might also, quite possibly suck a lot.

But nothing sucks more than you seated in the driver’s seat of your car while two of your friends who are conveniently boyfriend and girlfriend are in the backseat, canoodling, cuddling, lip-mashing, playing tongue hockey, exchanging DNA or whatever cool term you guys used to describe what the old generation used to call, ‘making out’.

We’ve all experienced it. We understand what it’s about (we all did Biology in Form 3 right?).We know the process. We get it.

And we freaking hate watching other people do it. Especially if the blissful couple who are physically fusing their skin to each other’s are our friends. Even worse if they are mere inches away in the backseat of your car, totally oblivious to your presence and even more so towards your driving services.

Sure for a moment, jealousy creeps in at least for the first few seconds. Then hatred for a few more seconds. Which finally gives way to long lasting, semi-permanent disgust and loathing, two distinct emotional entities which are almost guaranteed to kick start your intestines to do the Macarena.

Even worse of course when you overhear the sweet-nothings whispered to one another. One of the absolute stupid ones I have ever heard ( and have never whispered to my own girlfriend) is this : -

“You are the first thing I think about when I wake up, and the last thing I think about when I go to sleep.”

That is the most absurd thing to ever say to another human being, regardless of how much you love the other person to whom you are whispering said disgusting sentence.

If I ever hear my girlfriend say that to me, immediately my reaction would be :-

“Are you trying to say you only think about me twice a day?”

or-

“Am I such a dull, uninspired and boring personality that the thought of me at night makes you go to sleep?”

And the worst thing about is that it is an absolute lie. Stuff like “you are the love of my life” or “I think of you all the time” may be saccharinely nauseating, but at least it can be true. Not this one. Because I can absolutely guarantee you that the first thing you think about in the morning is not your significant other, no matter how hot he is in bed or no matter how much of a man she makes you feel. Here’s what happens in the morning.

You are blissfully asleep. Perhaps dreaming too. Your day has not begun yet. It’s all dark and cooling. Bliss. Your body is recuperating, growth hormones are spurting all over your body, your circadian rhythm is ---

KRRRRRRRRRRRINGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Your alarm wakes you up and lo and behold, your first thought of the day is :-

HUAARRRRGGHGGHHHHHFFFFFSSSLLLPPXXXXXXXRSHHHTHHPURLP!!!!!

That is your first thought of the day. Your primal instinct, enraged at having woken up, all summarized in a series of consonants. It ain’t your girlfriend or boyfriend, who may be next to you in bed, thinking the same exact first thought of the day.

And when you have finished that first thought of the day, the next one isn’t about your girlfriend or boyfriend either. It’s not “ I am so happy to have her/him in my life. She/he completes me. Makes me whole. Makes me feel happy. My companion. My soulmate. I love her/him.”

No it’s not that.

It’s ‘SNOOZE!!!!!!”

That’s the word we form in our brain EVERY MORNING for EVERY DAY for THE REST of our lives. SNOOZE starts your day. It is the embodiment of the fact that human beings,no matter our religious, racial, cultural or individual differences have one thing in common besides the fact that we like watching Lost :- we really hate waking up.

Why do you think babies are so difficult to deliver? One would think that anyone would be excited at getting delivered into the world right? But no, babies too prefer to sleep and not wake up. That’s why they cling to their cord, and turn their bodies into difficult positions. It’s their way of saying, “Oi gimme five more minutes”. It’s their snooze button.

That’s also why they Egyptians mummify themselves.They are just so afraid of being woken up in case they were not really dead that they wrap themselves with cloth,stuff their mouths, and seal themselves in large, grandiose tombs. That’s a more powerful kind of snooze button.

And so you reach out to hammer the snooze button, the one that used to have the word ‘SNOOZE’ printed on it in white, but now has rapidly faded away thanks to the daily friction from your index finger. Now it roughly says “-OOZE”. That’s how your morning is. A series of snoozes.

Girls, if your boyfriend really does think about you the first thing he wakes up,he is cheating on you.

Boys, if your girlfriend really does think about you the first thing she wakes up, she is gonna dump you.

Cheers!