More Fuel Price Hike Fun!

Feng Shui

Another reason why I believe the Chinese will never become a powerful force in the world to be reckoned has something to do with Chinese belief and culture : -

Feng Shui

Now to the uninitiated, let me explain what is feng shui to you. Let me clarify that my explanation about the fundamentals of feng shui is entirely true, and not fabricated or exaggerated in anyway for the sake of being funny. At least until I say so. So the first paragraph that follows is entirely factual.

Feng shui is the belief that one can control one’s destiny by….wait for it….changing the arrangement of your furniture in your house. This means that interior designers and home decorators are effectively masters of the universe.Feng shui practitioners believe that we can harness qi ( or chi ) by moving our sofas and TV sets in such a way that when it flows through our house, we will be…well…pretty awesome in life.

So what is Qi? Qi is…and again, I kid you not.. energy that comes from the dragon’s breath.


There are many flaws with feng shui : -

Lets start with this whole furniture arrangement business. Does this mean that people with no homes cannot have access to this wonderful art of manipulating qi? Or can the flow of qi be manipulated by choosing the right pavement to sleep on, or the right type of SUV to crawl under to sleep at night? How will homeless people manipulate the flow of qi with no homes and no furniture?

But with the power of feng shui, I believe we can solve the problem of homelessness by :-

a) building a large house with all the furniture arranged properly in accordance to qi-manipulation protocol

b) every few days or so, we invite a homeless family to live in the pre-built house

c) we wait a few days, let them breathe in all the good qi flowing nicely through the house

d) suddenly, they will be showered with prosperity ,harmony and all the goodies that come with good flowing qi, and voila, they can now afford their own homes! Without even getting a job or working hard!

Another flaw with this theory is that…if we follow the logic of feng shui, this means that if your house has bad feng shui, this means you will have bad luck or bad health, or yadda yadda all that sort of jazz. Now, I am fairly certain people like Bill Gates, the Pope, Albert Einstein, Johnny Depp, Princess Diana, Mother Theresa, George Bush, and a lot of other influential people of our history do not believe in feng shui and neither can they pronounce it properly. Yet, they seem to be doing quite well, don’t they? Or in some cases, like Princess Diana, they led pretty awesome lives. I mean, if we take feng shui as a means of wealth procurement, I am pretty sure a lot of wealthy people are doing fine without feng shui.

Then there’s this whole dragon breath business. Let me get this straight okay? Many people are not aware of this fact, particularly feng shui practitioners, so bring your face very close the screen when you read the following sentence : -

Dragons do not exist!!!!

Yes, that’s right. Dragons have been extinct for several decades now. Why? Because you know Chinese people, we eat everything that moves and even mighty dragons that fly and blow fire are no match for hungry Chinese people.

There are several feng shui tips posted on feng shui masters’ websites. Let’s look at a few, shall we?

Tip 1: Be on the lookout for bodies of water which often bring good luck

I don’t think the people who were near the bodies of water collectively known as the Killer Tsunami of 2004 will agree with this.


Tip 2: The best way to tap into the health benefits of Feng Shui is to discover the direction that is best in alignment with your best health luck according to the compass formula

No, the best way to become healthy is good diet, exercise and consult your doctor if you feel anything is wrong. If you smoke 20 cigarettes per day, sit in front of an X-ray machine and take hundreds of x-ray of your chest per day, drink nuclear waste with every meal and subsequently get lung cancer, I can almost guarantee you that the awesome feng shui of your house WILL NOT reverse your cancer.

Tips 3: Place a three legged toad in your living room near the front door for money luck.

Okay………

Tip 4 : Toilets are especially harmful, since this literally means flushing away all your marriage prospects. If you find you have a toilet placed in exactly the South-West corner of your home, and there is nothing you can do about it, then stop using this toilet altogether.

Because the best way to improve your marriage prospects is to leave faeces all over your house. The aroma of material that spent at least 2 hours in your bowels and bladder will act as a potent aphrodisiac, rendering your date or suitor unconscious, thus allowing you to do whatever you may please.

Tip 5 : Buy a indoor water fountain and place it in the south-west corner of your home, you will be amazed at the effect this can have on a relationship, or encourage a new one.

If you are not amazed by how fast the indoor water fountain can deplete your monthly savings via the water bill, you will definitely be amazed by how water-borne infections like dengue and malaria will improve your relationship.

Tip 6 ( with regards to feng shui in your work place) : If your staff always fall sick in that area, then use a metal wind chime made of 6 or 7 metal rods about 1ft long are the best as the sound of metal is the best Feng Shui cure

I think if your staff always fall sick, please send them to the doctor. A metal wind chime will not stop projectile vomiting or haemorrhoids.

Tip 7 : Crystal ball, apart from looking into future you can place on top of phone to encourage more business calls.

HOW THE HELL ARE YOU GOING TO PICK UP THE PHONE?!!!!!!

That’s all for today.

PRESS CONFERENCE / BOOK LAUNCH!!!

Dear all,

Had the press conference / book launch this Monday, 16th of June as scheduled. After many months of waiting, finally my book was launched!

Many thanks to the Irish Ambassador, His Excellency Mr. Eugene Hutchinson and his lovely wife Mrs. Adele Hutchinson, Deputy Head of Mission Eoin Duggan and all other embassy staff members for welcoming us warmly! So wonderful to hear the Irish accent again!

It was very flattering to hear the Ambassador say such nice things about my book. Important to note also that he has provided an endorsement for the book. Equally nice was signing the book that some of the people in attendance bought while cameras were flashing. Finally, I know what it's like to be a 1/100000000 as famous as a Hollywood celebrity.

Future plans for promotions include a book talk on the 26th of July at MPH, Mid Valley Megamall.If you are in town, please, do join me there!

Lastly, many thanks to Christine, Leo, Cassy, Suhana, Jin Jin and Tammy for your efforts!

More photos to come, plus during the weekend, I will start posting less self indulgent posts and back to the usual fare of posts that I think are funny.Okay?

Cheers!

Are you a scout?

Recently an old friend, Jonathan Cheah ( pictured above) wrote a letter to The Star about the Scout movement in Malaysia and how it was died down somewhat. Being a scout myself for 4 years, I really do echo his sentiment. While in high school, I was a member of the 5th PJ Troop of Bukit Bintang Boys’ Secondary school and those were the absolute best years of my life.

Anyway, do read my friend’s letter at :-

http://thestar.com.my/education/story.asp?file=/2008/6/15/education/21540628&sec=education

- askawawa-iskiwiwi-oh-ah-oh-ah-yeah!-

Perspective

I believe that no matter how advanced or civilised we have become, we are still very biased in our perceptions, especially when it comes to the more superficial aspects of our lives. Consider for example, how our attitudes differ when it comes to ugly and pretty people.

I will compare two extremes of looks today. When I say ‘ugly’, I really mean downright dodgy, unkempt hair, pimples sprouting all over the place, fungus growing out of nostrils, zig-zag eyes, unshapely body, the whole works.

And when I say ‘good looking’, I mean, really really good-looking, like what you would get if Halle Berry , Nicole Kidman, Hayden Christensen and Aragorn ( the character, not the actor) all somehow got together and created one awesome looking baby, and then grew up to be the age of 21, working out in the gym daily, the whole works.

Now let’s start comparing.

Girls' Perspective

Situation : Good looking guy opens the door for the ladies, flashing them a smile

Girls’ reaction : Oh my gawd he is so gentlemanly! So sweet and kind! Ooh, isn’t he lovely?

Situation : Ugly guy opens the door for the ladies, flashing them a smile

Girls’ reaction : Ugh, whatever, what is he trying to prove? Eew, why is he staring at me like that? I think he wants to rape me.

Situation : Good looking guy walks by the girls with upright posture, long strides, and determined look on his face

Girls’ reaction : Whoa….did you see him? He is so confident in the way he carries himself!

Situation : Ugly guy walks by the girls with upright posture, long strides and determined look on his face

Girls’ reaction : Gawd, what an arrogant jerk! Didn’t even bother to smile or look at us.

Situation : Good looking guy wears some funky neon purple shirt with neon green tie, orange slacks and pink platform shoes

Girls’ reaction : Wow, he is so brave trying to make a fashion statement! Such creativity!

Situation : Ugly guy wears some funky neon purple shirt with neon green tie, orange slacks and pink platform shoes.

Girls’ reaction : Oh dear me, I think he is trying too hard for attention.



Guys’ Perspective


Situation : Good looking girl actively engages the guys in conversation, asking about them, laughing at their jokes, and making good eye contact.

Guys’ reaction : Fooyio, she is so friendly! She is so gorgeous but she has no airs at all!

Situation : Ugly girl actively engages the guys in conversation, asking about them, laughing at their jokes, and making good eye contact

Guys’ reaction : Eeyer, she is a bit desperate isn’t she? I mean, there’s friendly and then there’s trying too hard.

Situation : Good looking girl is crying buckets of tears, obviously distraught.

Guys’ reaction : Oh no, she is so hurt! What has befallen this angel to cause her such distress?Aiyoh, my heart aches for her!

Situation : Ugly girl is crying buckets of tears, obviously distraught

Guys’ reaction : My gawd, what a drama queen. Very problematic wan lah she.

Situation : Good looking girl refuses to give you her phone number till she gets to know you better.

Guys’ reaction : Hey hey, this girl is trying to play games with me eh? Very well, let’s see if all my moves and charm will work on her.

Situation : Ugly girl refuses to give you her phone number till she gets to know you better.

Guys’ reaction : Hmph, so unfriendly.

Thus ends our lesson for today.

Comment on Comments

Dear friends,

An alert reader of this blog has told me that only people with google accounts or some other type of account linked with Blogger can leave their comments.

Thus, i have changed the setting to enable anyone to leave comments. I am just seeing how long will it take for comments that include 'penis enlargement' , 'online gambling' and 'fake watches' to appear on the comments!

Cheers,

Jason Leong

Irish Embassy Address!

AMBASÁID NA hÉIREANN
EMBASSY OF IRELAND
IRELAND HOUSE
THE AMP WALK
218 JALAN AMPANG
50450 KUALA LUMPUR, MALAYSIA
kualalumpurembassy@dfa.ie
TEL : + 603 2161 2963
FAX : + 603 2161 3427

Some updates!

Dear friends,

I am getting very nervous as the press conference/book launch looms closer! Also very excited to meet the Irish Ambassador, Mr. Eugene Hutchinson.

Also, I have been slotted to appear on TV 2's breakfast show, 'Hello on 2' at 8.00am on Tuesday, June 17th! So if any of you are on MC, ponteng class or not working, do tune in!

Lastly, have just added a chat function to this blog. Have fun!

Cheers,

Jason Leong

More Fuel Price Hike Fun! (1)

Fuel Increase

There has been much anger at the recent decision to raise the price of fuel. As an entertainment piece, this blog will remain apolitical. However, this new development could possibly a defining moment in Malaysia’s history, in sync with that of the world. Will the Digital Age be superseded by a Scorched Era, where the price of fuel becomes so high, nobody can afford to live anymore?

Of course, I am an eternal optimist. Here I will present the brighter side of the fuel price increase.

1) Car thefts will drop to almost zero. No self-respecting thief will rob something that will cost him to lose money. I predict that in the future, car thieves will approach big guzzlers like Mercs and Harriers, break the windscreen and just leave some money on the dashboard to save time.

2) Malaysia will no longer be a nation of obese people, as people won’t be able to
afford food. Also, now everyone will have to walk or cycle to work, increasing exercise time. A healthy Malaysia is a wealthy Malaysia.

3) We will all be forced to be ‘greener’ in our approach to life-style changes. I advocate not just writing on both sides of the sheet of paper, but on the edges as well.

4) Our creativity will grow by leaps and bounds, especially at trying to save more fuel. Current reported attempts have included calling a tow truck to tow your car to work with you sitting in it, as it was thought to be cheaper than actually pumping petrol in your car and then driving it.

5) No longer will we hear of road rage, because nobody can even afford a car.

6) Additionally, with less cars on the road, there will be less traffic offences, thus police officers will have more time on their hands to tackle more important crimes.

7) No longer will government doctors be overworked, as hospitals can only open 12-hours a day, thanks to electricity tariffs increasing. This means more alert and well rested doctors to tackle patients’ problems.

8) We can finally laugh at those rich people who bought LARGE SUVs.

9) The problem of illegal immigration will be solved INSTANTANEOUSLY. No one will dare step foot on our country, since it will make them poorer than they already are.

10) Mamak stalls will no longer be able to operate 24 hours per day, thus curbing the ‘lepak culture’.

11) In the same vein as No. 9, Malaysia will never have war waged against her as no nation can afford the expensive fuel to maintain their tanks, airplanes,etc when they invade us.

12) The incidence of burglaries and robberies of homes and banks will decrease, as it will be much easier and profitable to hold up the pump attendant and siphon off petrol at petrol stations.

13) If the price of oil spikes further, even the number of motorcyclists will decrease, and that means NO MORE MAT REMPITS!!!

14) Traffic jams will be absolutely hilarious, as they will last up to months. This is because when people are stuck in a jam, they become very kiasu and switch off their engines to save petrol, and wait for the first sign the cars in front will move, then and only then will they turn on their own engines. What happens of course, is that EVERYONE is doing the same thing, waiting for each other to move.

15) The phrase “ Do I look like I’m made of money?”, will now be replaced by “ Do I look like I’m made of petrol?”, which at least sounds hilarious.

16) More students will study in local universities instead of foreign universities because a flight ticket to anywhere beyond Singapore requires a mortgage or loan shark.

17) Local travel agents will experience a boon in business. International airlines can only afford to fuel up half a tank for every flight. The strategy will be to fly halfway, then crashland in the ocean, and wish all passengers the very best of luck, and hope to see them onboard again. Thanks for flying!

18) Less land will be used to build cemeteries, freeing up land for housing and development projects, as the trend of the future when one dies is to be decomposed and then used as alternative biomass fuel, enough to power a Proton Wira for a week, saving approximately enough money to buy a house.

19) The rate of fires started by arsonists will be decreased, due to high prices of an arsonist’s arsenal, which includes petrol, kerosene and other flammable sources.

20) Who thinks the phrase ‘arsonist’s arsenal’ will make a good name for a blog or rock band?

21) Cigarette smoking will cease amongst all Malaysians. Sooner or later, even kerosene for the Zippo Lighters will be too expensive. The incidence of respiratory and cardiac disease will decrease dramatically.

22) Open air burning will be a thing of the past.


23) For the 2012 Olympics, Malaysia will definitely win the gold medal for sprinting and long distance running events, as running will be the main mode of transportation from now on.


Here I will end with an anecdote. Yesterday I saw an Ah Beng pushing a Proton Iswara along the road. He was wearing a formal shirt and a tie complete with slacks. The poor dude was soaked with sweat. I wound down my window and asked him if he needed help.

“ It’s okay, my car is not spoiled! I just want to save money, so I decided to push the car instead of turning on the engine. Petrol price so expensive!”, said the Ah Beng.

I was dumbounded. It took me several moments to process what he actually meant. Then I asked, “ Why don’t you walk instead?’, fearing that my question made too much sense for him.

“Aiyoh, my company place got free parking mah!”,he replied.

That’s it for today! Till then, my dear Malaysian friends, keep your chin up, and square your shoulders. Every generation has it challenges. Our parents dealt with the fight for independence, the communist insurgency and many more. This is our challenge, and may we all persevere and prevail!


P/s- Of course the story about the Ah Beng pushing his car wasn’t true. But at least you laughed.

Pres Conference / Book Launch!

Dear friends,

Sorry I haven't been updating the blog as frequently as before. I do have some exciting news to report! The good folks at Marshall Cavendish has secured a date for a Press Conference/ Book Launch for The Twisted Stethoscope.

Venue : Irish Embassy
Date: 16th June
Time : 11.00am
VIP : Irish Ambassador, Mr. Eugene Hutchinson

For the past few days things have been moving fast. Recently I have managed to personally hand over a copy to the Deputy Health Minister, Datuk Dr. Hj. Abdul Latif b. Ahmad . He seemed rather please with it! Also, efforts are being made to post a copy to the Director General of Health, YB Tan Sri Dr. Ismail Merican, (who I emailed last week) as well as the Deputy Minister of Higher Education.

The President of Penang Medical College, Mr. Brendan Lyons has also been very helpful. He is trying to send two copies of the book to newspapers in Ireland. Hopefully, this will be the start of sales in Dublin, my second home for two years.Oh, how the heart aches...

Special thanks goes to: Christine, Leowania, Cassy,Suhana,Jin Jin and Mr. Brendan!

Most importantly : to all you guys for expressing your support. Keep reading this blog, I promise a new post tommorow!

-Jason Leong