Many people have asked me, “Jason, why does your driving skill suck so much?” Here’s the answer. -My dad was a real badass. Of course I don’t mean ‘badass’ as in kill babies and burn down churches kind of ‘badass’. The ‘badass’ persona that my father possessed was even more terrifying. When he cracked the whip around the house, entire continents would shift, creating massive earthquakes. And I am not using ‘crack the whip’ as a figure of speech. My dad uses the whip with such force that cracks appear on the whip itself.
One of the more fiery elements in our loving father and son relationship was The Car. Oh yes, it was The Car. Sure, it was just a Proton Waja but at that time I was at a tender age of 18, armed and ready with freshly bribed driver’s license and the need for speed. When he did hand over the car keys, his expression was similar to a mother who had just given birth and now handing over her baby to a paedophilic gangster .
But the exhilarating feeling of an engine at the command of my deft manual gear-shifting skills and my foot on the accelerator pedal was second to none. Under my expert guidance, our Proton Waja becomes a Ferrari, zooming down highways with rock music blaring, adrenaline pumping all ove-
RRRRRRINGGGGGG! , screamed my handphone.
I glanced at the screen, while at the very extreme end of my vision, I keep an eye on the road. The screen says “Daddy is Calling”.
Immediately my bowels suddenly became very nervous and out of nowhere, my bladder threatened to give up. I’ve been out driving the car too long! I should have been home by 10. 00pm! A quick glance revealed the time to be …. 1. 00am, which is probably the last time on Earth I get to see 1. 00am.
With an immense sense of trepidation and impending bladder failure, I answer the call. “WHERE ARE YOU?!”, boomed an otherworldly voice. In the background, I can vaguely hear the sounds of weeping and gnashing of teeth. “I er…ah…gulp…I am on the Federal High-“
“ON THE FEDERAL HIGHWAY? WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?”
At the back of my mind, I begin to worry slightly that my father, having dialed my number, failed to recognize that I am his son. “Er…ah I was just about to come home”, I said, while grimacing and contorting my face, the key step to keep my nervous bowels from exploding.
“YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN HOME 3 HOURS AGO! WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU NOW?”. By now I could clearly discern the distinct sound of a shotgun being reloaded. “Er…I ah…. I am just passing by Mid Valley Megamall now. I will be home as soon as-“
“I GIVE YOU 10 MINUTES TO COME HOME. NOW!”
Upon the call having ended, I immediately press the pedal to the metal, hoping to get home within the stipulated time, pushing The Car to speeds unheard off in mankind. Oh please, anything but the shotgun. I reached home within 9 minutes. At the entrance of the house stood my dad, tall, muscular and brandishing a cracked whip in one hand, a fully loaded shotgun in the other. “I …huff…huff…made it home…huff…in time…-“
This time the volume was not threatening to the ear-drum, the bass had lessened.
“Yes you came home in time. From Mid Valley Megamall, yes?”
“Yes “, said I, not recognizing at all the signs that I had just fell into a craftily set trap.
“Are you telling me you got home from Mid Valley Megamall, a place almost 30 kilometres away in 9 minutes? That you were driving at 180km/h? HOW MANY TIMES HAVE I TOLD YOU NOT TO SPEED?”.
From that day forth, when I drive, my butt never touches the car seat due to permanent tenderness. I just hang my upper body by the sheer strength of my arms clinging on the steering wheel.
Wednesday, May 28, 2008
Sunday, May 25, 2008
Identify Yourselves!
Dear fans and friends,
Thank you for your continuing support for this blog.The fact that there are people who continue to visit this blog and spread the word around has inspired me to keep on blogging, even though I am now in a rather hectic rotation, Obstetrics and Gynaecology.Of course, I may not be able to update it as often, but will still keep this blog a viable and entertaining outlet for all.
Anyway,I would like to just quickly shout out to all the regular visitors a big big thanks!Without you, this would be just like me talking to a wall,but less costly because no need to pay for Internet and electricity.
What I would like is to for you guys to just intro yourselves by posting in the comments section of this post and let us know 4 things.
a) Who are you?
b) What are you studying and at which institution?
c) What do you think can be improved in this blog?
d) How much cash will you personally donate to me so that I can have more money?
I have been checking out the statistics of this blog and realize that there are loads of you guys from Australia who check out this site, as well as the USA. I also wonder who are the people from Russia and Papua New Guinea?Identify yourselves please!
Cheers all, another post is coming soon!
Jason Leong,
The Man.
Thank you for your continuing support for this blog.The fact that there are people who continue to visit this blog and spread the word around has inspired me to keep on blogging, even though I am now in a rather hectic rotation, Obstetrics and Gynaecology.Of course, I may not be able to update it as often, but will still keep this blog a viable and entertaining outlet for all.
Anyway,I would like to just quickly shout out to all the regular visitors a big big thanks!Without you, this would be just like me talking to a wall,but less costly because no need to pay for Internet and electricity.
What I would like is to for you guys to just intro yourselves by posting in the comments section of this post and let us know 4 things.
a) Who are you?
b) What are you studying and at which institution?
c) What do you think can be improved in this blog?
d) How much cash will you personally donate to me so that I can have more money?
I have been checking out the statistics of this blog and realize that there are loads of you guys from Australia who check out this site, as well as the USA. I also wonder who are the people from Russia and Papua New Guinea?Identify yourselves please!
Cheers all, another post is coming soon!
Jason Leong,
The Man.
Thursday, May 22, 2008
Civilian Defense ( Part 2)
The hail of durians will probably be enough to drive back half the invading force. In an ideal situation, if we have infinite amount of durians and infinite amount of expendable durian-throwers, we could literally repel all attackers and even conquer a few countries of our own. But alas, we cannot afford to waste too many durians.
And so the invading force moves forward, encroaching on our turf. At this point, we stay patient and bide our time, as their tanks roll over the grassy knolls and hills and quickly acquire the quickest route to the capital. As any military strategist will tell you, an invading army will first endeavour to choke out the target by cutting all lines of communication and transport. This can be achieved by controlling all roads and highways that lead to the capital.
But that strategy will not work in Malaysia. Within 5 minutes of the tanks rolling down our highways, they will hear a peculiar noise coming from behind. Curious, they look behind and what do they see?A typical Malaysian driver in his heavily modified Proton Wira, honking at the tank furiously for going so slow on the fast lane of the highway. According to the Law of Typical Acquaintances, everyone knows at least one person who acts like this on the highways. Everyone has that imbecile of a friend who tells tales of driving from Ipoh to Shanghai in less than 45 minutes, reaching speeds up to 160 kilometres per nanosecond. If you don’t know a person that fits that description, then according to The Law, you are that person .
Back to the highway. The person in the car is thinking, who do they think they are?You wanna invade my country?Do it at your own time!I have places to go and things to do!Now please move to the left and let me through! HONK! HONK!
At this point, the tank commander will be in a dilemma. This civilian obviously deserves to be blasted to the sky, but by employing the Malaysian 2-cm Tailgate technique, the car’s front bumper is precisely 2cm behind the tank, and thus putting it at a weird distance, which is too near for the tank effectively fire at it. And so, the commander, after many years of blasting shit into oblivion, moves meekly to the the slow lane of the highway, and allows the Malaysian to pass. I know what you’re thinking. Never even bother to put the signal.
And so, the tank commander then initiates the targeting system to lock on to the car that is now gaining speed and about accelerate into oblivion, with the driver already giving the one-fingered salute. The commander, calling upon years of experience, punches in the correct sequence of buttons and waits for the car to be directly in front. And after a few milliseconds, the car is now at the prime position to be turned into charcoal. The tank driver, his finger already on the FIRE button, wet with perspiration (for it is BLOODY hot in Malaysia) feels the adrenaline surge into his body and then –
BOOM!The tank is smashed into the highway divider by a speeding Mercedes, the driver pissed off that a bloody Proton Wira had the audacity to overtake him 5 kilometres previously. The Mercedes driver at this point has one goal in mind. To drive up next to the Proton Wira, place his Mercedes side by side, stare at the Wira driver and then speed off, leaving the Wira in a trail of dust and smoke, because you only overtake a Mercedes if you are driving a car of similar- if not greater- caliber and class.
That particular incident will happen along the entire stretch of all highways. One by one, the tanks will be crushed on our highways of death. By now, we can safely assume the morale of the enemy has dropped to a significant low, like the ratings of Malaysia Idol and the careers of the winners. And even if, and this if a big IF here, if the enemy still has the guts to pursue on, we have one final defensive mechanism to fall back on.
Let’s imagine that a ragtag army of enemy transport vehicles has safely made it through the highways and are now in Kuala Lumpur. They are by now super pissed off and ready to absolutely liberate the shit out of Kuala Lumpur. Guns loaded and missiles ready at the launch, they head for several key buildings to cripple the capital, like the Twin Towers, Bank Negara, Tenaga Nasional Berhad headquarters, Mid Valley Megamall and if they are really cruel, several crucial mamak stalls.
But they will never get there.
There are several impenetrable forces known to mankind. In Star Trek, we have electromagnetic force fields through which nothing can penetrate. In sport, we have Arsenal’s defence line. Sometimes. In popular culture, we have Tom Cruise’s ego.
In Kuala Lumpur, we have traffic jams.
Nothing can get pass a KL traffic jam. You may try, but you will fail. My father is at of this moment, stuck in a traffic jam on Jalan Tun Dr. Ismail. He started his journey at precisely 8. 30am, 20th February, 2002. The origin of traffic jams can be traced to something called ‘Construction Works’ along strategic areas of KL. No one knows the purpose of this mysterious works. They involve Bangladeshi men with yellow helmets, big tractors and a LOT of cement. No work is ever actively done with the objective of actually physically CONSTRUCTING anything.
Periodically, they will dig a hole in the ground, and they will stare at it. After many hours of staring, they then decide the hole is somehow not suitable. They fill it up, and then dig another hole of similar size and shape next to the previous hole. Again, they stare at it. Once in a while, they will bring out from their trucks brightly coloured traffic cones. They will arrange the cones at random around them, to cordon off a HUGE space around them with which they can stare at holes in comfort. One or two persons will be holding up a large piece of blank paper and stare thoughtfully at it. This will go on FOREVER.
And so my friends, know the signs of an ongoing invasion in our country. Our army may choose not to tell us for fear of public panic (or because international calls from the Phillipines are expensive), but we the educated people of Malaysia know better. Look out for durian shortages, the sudden disappearance of out football team (yes we have a football team), an odd number of Mercedes cars with lightly scratched front bumpers and most importantly, look out for my father and tell him that his family misses him.
And so the invading force moves forward, encroaching on our turf. At this point, we stay patient and bide our time, as their tanks roll over the grassy knolls and hills and quickly acquire the quickest route to the capital. As any military strategist will tell you, an invading army will first endeavour to choke out the target by cutting all lines of communication and transport. This can be achieved by controlling all roads and highways that lead to the capital.
But that strategy will not work in Malaysia. Within 5 minutes of the tanks rolling down our highways, they will hear a peculiar noise coming from behind. Curious, they look behind and what do they see?A typical Malaysian driver in his heavily modified Proton Wira, honking at the tank furiously for going so slow on the fast lane of the highway. According to the Law of Typical Acquaintances, everyone knows at least one person who acts like this on the highways. Everyone has that imbecile of a friend who tells tales of driving from Ipoh to Shanghai in less than 45 minutes, reaching speeds up to 160 kilometres per nanosecond. If you don’t know a person that fits that description, then according to The Law, you are that person .
Back to the highway. The person in the car is thinking, who do they think they are?You wanna invade my country?Do it at your own time!I have places to go and things to do!Now please move to the left and let me through! HONK! HONK!
At this point, the tank commander will be in a dilemma. This civilian obviously deserves to be blasted to the sky, but by employing the Malaysian 2-cm Tailgate technique, the car’s front bumper is precisely 2cm behind the tank, and thus putting it at a weird distance, which is too near for the tank effectively fire at it. And so, the commander, after many years of blasting shit into oblivion, moves meekly to the the slow lane of the highway, and allows the Malaysian to pass. I know what you’re thinking. Never even bother to put the signal.
And so, the tank commander then initiates the targeting system to lock on to the car that is now gaining speed and about accelerate into oblivion, with the driver already giving the one-fingered salute. The commander, calling upon years of experience, punches in the correct sequence of buttons and waits for the car to be directly in front. And after a few milliseconds, the car is now at the prime position to be turned into charcoal. The tank driver, his finger already on the FIRE button, wet with perspiration (for it is BLOODY hot in Malaysia) feels the adrenaline surge into his body and then –
BOOM!The tank is smashed into the highway divider by a speeding Mercedes, the driver pissed off that a bloody Proton Wira had the audacity to overtake him 5 kilometres previously. The Mercedes driver at this point has one goal in mind. To drive up next to the Proton Wira, place his Mercedes side by side, stare at the Wira driver and then speed off, leaving the Wira in a trail of dust and smoke, because you only overtake a Mercedes if you are driving a car of similar- if not greater- caliber and class.
That particular incident will happen along the entire stretch of all highways. One by one, the tanks will be crushed on our highways of death. By now, we can safely assume the morale of the enemy has dropped to a significant low, like the ratings of Malaysia Idol and the careers of the winners. And even if, and this if a big IF here, if the enemy still has the guts to pursue on, we have one final defensive mechanism to fall back on.
Let’s imagine that a ragtag army of enemy transport vehicles has safely made it through the highways and are now in Kuala Lumpur. They are by now super pissed off and ready to absolutely liberate the shit out of Kuala Lumpur. Guns loaded and missiles ready at the launch, they head for several key buildings to cripple the capital, like the Twin Towers, Bank Negara, Tenaga Nasional Berhad headquarters, Mid Valley Megamall and if they are really cruel, several crucial mamak stalls.
But they will never get there.
There are several impenetrable forces known to mankind. In Star Trek, we have electromagnetic force fields through which nothing can penetrate. In sport, we have Arsenal’s defence line. Sometimes. In popular culture, we have Tom Cruise’s ego.
In Kuala Lumpur, we have traffic jams.
Nothing can get pass a KL traffic jam. You may try, but you will fail. My father is at of this moment, stuck in a traffic jam on Jalan Tun Dr. Ismail. He started his journey at precisely 8. 30am, 20th February, 2002. The origin of traffic jams can be traced to something called ‘Construction Works’ along strategic areas of KL. No one knows the purpose of this mysterious works. They involve Bangladeshi men with yellow helmets, big tractors and a LOT of cement. No work is ever actively done with the objective of actually physically CONSTRUCTING anything.
Periodically, they will dig a hole in the ground, and they will stare at it. After many hours of staring, they then decide the hole is somehow not suitable. They fill it up, and then dig another hole of similar size and shape next to the previous hole. Again, they stare at it. Once in a while, they will bring out from their trucks brightly coloured traffic cones. They will arrange the cones at random around them, to cordon off a HUGE space around them with which they can stare at holes in comfort. One or two persons will be holding up a large piece of blank paper and stare thoughtfully at it. This will go on FOREVER.
And so my friends, know the signs of an ongoing invasion in our country. Our army may choose not to tell us for fear of public panic (or because international calls from the Phillipines are expensive), but we the educated people of Malaysia know better. Look out for durian shortages, the sudden disappearance of out football team (yes we have a football team), an odd number of Mercedes cars with lightly scratched front bumpers and most importantly, look out for my father and tell him that his family misses him.
Civilian Defense ( Part 1)
We are living in turbulent times now. The human depravity, the violence, the civil wars. And that’s just the queue at a Ramley Burger stall. We are at the apex of our civilization, and yet, there is a tangible sense of global doom that permeates the air. As I look around at the global devastation, I start to wonder.
“What if Malaysia is attacked?”
Firstly we must rest in the peace of mind knowing that Malaysia is already a difficult country to invade by virtue of the fact that it’s hard to locate. Malaysia is like a the secret level or the hidden power-up mushroom in a Super Mario Bros. game. You can only get to it by stumbling upon it. NO ONE knows where Malaysia is, despite valiant efforts by our government to educate the world. We have tried everything. Hosting the Commonwealth Games, building an F1-level track circuit, dropping the Proton Wira in the North Pole, getting a Malaysian to sail by himself halfway around the world, etc etc. But yet, people don’t know where Malaysia is. The Government’s efforts have been for naught.
Some might say , “We’ve tried everything. What to do, they are ignorant”. But to me, this is not constructive criticism. I feel that instead of spending billions of ringgit building infrastructures and hosting sporting events we can’t win, we should be more direct and erect billboards in all major capitals of the world. The billboards will show an appropriately labeled map of South-East Asia, with the countries surrounding Malaysia coloured in green, while Malaysia itself is coloured in neon pink. Each country should be labeled with clear, block letters except Malaysia, which will have a HUGE orange arrow pointing to it with the words ‘THIS IS M A LA Y S I A’. This method saves money and time because the moment foreign people read the billboards, they not only know immediately where Malaysia is, but they will also think , “Where the hell is South East Asia?”.
Imagine the conversation between top army officials on the eve of their attack on Malaysia.
TOP ARMY OFFICIAL 1 : Are we ready to attack Malaysia?
TOP ARMY OFFICIAL 2 : Yes. The men are ready. The vehicles and artillery are
ready. This invasion should take no longer than 2 days.
TOP ARMY OFFICIAL 1 : Good job. How long will it take to move our troops there?
TOP ARMY OFFICIAL 2 : There?
TOP ARMY OFFICIAL 1 : Yeah. There. Malaysia
TOP ARMY OFFICIAL 2 : Uh, I thought you handled that.
TOP ARMY OFFICIAL 1 : Me?I don’t bloody know where Malaysia is!
TOP ARMY OFFICIAL 2 : Hell I don’t either!Shit, this could be a logistic problem. You
sure you have no idea?
TOP ARMY OFFICIAL 1 : No sir.
TOP ARMY OFFICIAL 2 : Alright, to be sure, let’s check the computer
TOP ARMY OFFICIAL 1 : Okay. . the computer says that West Malaysia is a peninsula
situated between Singapore and Thailand.
TOP ARMY OFFICIAL 2 : Wait…west?
TOP ARMY OFFICIAL 1 : Yeah, the East of Malaysia is situated below the
Phillipines, and it shares borders with Brunei and Indonesia.
TOP ARMY OFFICIAL 2 : What in the name…?There’s two Malaysias?
TOP ARMY OFFICIAL 1 : Yeah…separated by the South China Sea
TOP ARMY OFFICIAL 2 : So Malaysia is near China then?
TOP ARMY OFFICIAL 1 : Not quite actually. The South China Sea is to the immediate
south of Thailand, Myanmar and Cambodia.
TOP ARMY OFFICIAL 2 : Alright, enough with this crap. We can’t allow unimportant
details like geography to hinder the destructi…liberation of
Malaysia. Tommorow, we attack both East and West. And to be safe, let’s take out Cambodia, Myanmar, Indonesia,
Bruneiand the South China Sea.
TOP ARMY OFFICIAL 1 : And what about Thailand?
TOP ARMY OFFICIAL 2 : Leave it. End of year vacation.
Thus, the confusion among the ranks on the exact location of their target will send at least half the invading forces to nearby Australia and Hong Kong. But that still leaves us with the other half. But again, rest assured for we have our natural resources to rely on. Imagine now, the invading army on the horizon, marching on the horizon, guns at the ready. This is how we Malaysians respond : -
We gather a thousand or so expendable people. By ‘expendable’ I mean people who have not played a significant role in Malaysia’s progress, and hence, will not be missed, for example, national football players, Proton engineers, students in Business and History, Ah Bengs and of course, Fauziah Latiff. We get them to charge madly across the battlefield, scream in fury, and maybe yell out a battlecry or two, some good examples are “ YEARGHHHHHH!!!” and “ARGHHHHHHH!!”(Fauziah Latiff may have some pitching problems with this). But here’s the secret. We give each person a weapon. A weapon of incredible power and destruction.
A durian.
Have you ever seen a Mat Salleh react to a durian?It’s like putting two reactive chemicals together on a small metal plate and heating them up with a nuclear bomb. The moment the Mat Salleh sees the durian his face will immediately turn into a shade of green rivaling that of the durian itself, which will then followed by fainting, convulsions, coma and death. This is if he doesn’t choke on the pungent smell. Many moons ago, and I swear this is true, an episode of Fear Factor featured the durian as the second stunt. The second stunt, as many of you not living in Shah Alam know, is considered the Gross Stunt, where usually contestants have to eat gross stuff like cockroaches, intestines, maggots, penises, live worms, brains, eyeballs, fish eggs, wow are you still reading this?, century eggs, tables, chairs, babies, small children, etc etc.
I for one cannot fathom the absurdity of placing the durian as a gross item for indulgence. For us Malaysians, it is a delicacy for crying out loud!It’s literally marked on our calendars as a day of reverence and importance as we savour the King of Fruits.
And so that’s our first line of defence, opening up durians and throwing them towards the enemy soldiers. The combination of the thorns, yellowy goo and the smell will make any enemy think twice of invading.
to be continued....
“What if Malaysia is attacked?”
Firstly we must rest in the peace of mind knowing that Malaysia is already a difficult country to invade by virtue of the fact that it’s hard to locate. Malaysia is like a the secret level or the hidden power-up mushroom in a Super Mario Bros. game. You can only get to it by stumbling upon it. NO ONE knows where Malaysia is, despite valiant efforts by our government to educate the world. We have tried everything. Hosting the Commonwealth Games, building an F1-level track circuit, dropping the Proton Wira in the North Pole, getting a Malaysian to sail by himself halfway around the world, etc etc. But yet, people don’t know where Malaysia is. The Government’s efforts have been for naught.
Some might say , “We’ve tried everything. What to do, they are ignorant”. But to me, this is not constructive criticism. I feel that instead of spending billions of ringgit building infrastructures and hosting sporting events we can’t win, we should be more direct and erect billboards in all major capitals of the world. The billboards will show an appropriately labeled map of South-East Asia, with the countries surrounding Malaysia coloured in green, while Malaysia itself is coloured in neon pink. Each country should be labeled with clear, block letters except Malaysia, which will have a HUGE orange arrow pointing to it with the words ‘THIS IS M A LA Y S I A’. This method saves money and time because the moment foreign people read the billboards, they not only know immediately where Malaysia is, but they will also think , “Where the hell is South East Asia?”.
Imagine the conversation between top army officials on the eve of their attack on Malaysia.
TOP ARMY OFFICIAL 1 : Are we ready to attack Malaysia?
TOP ARMY OFFICIAL 2 : Yes. The men are ready. The vehicles and artillery are
ready. This invasion should take no longer than 2 days.
TOP ARMY OFFICIAL 1 : Good job. How long will it take to move our troops there?
TOP ARMY OFFICIAL 2 : There?
TOP ARMY OFFICIAL 1 : Yeah. There. Malaysia
TOP ARMY OFFICIAL 2 : Uh, I thought you handled that.
TOP ARMY OFFICIAL 1 : Me?I don’t bloody know where Malaysia is!
TOP ARMY OFFICIAL 2 : Hell I don’t either!Shit, this could be a logistic problem. You
sure you have no idea?
TOP ARMY OFFICIAL 1 : No sir.
TOP ARMY OFFICIAL 2 : Alright, to be sure, let’s check the computer
TOP ARMY OFFICIAL 1 : Okay. . the computer says that West Malaysia is a peninsula
situated between Singapore and Thailand.
TOP ARMY OFFICIAL 2 : Wait…west?
TOP ARMY OFFICIAL 1 : Yeah, the East of Malaysia is situated below the
Phillipines, and it shares borders with Brunei and Indonesia.
TOP ARMY OFFICIAL 2 : What in the name…?There’s two Malaysias?
TOP ARMY OFFICIAL 1 : Yeah…separated by the South China Sea
TOP ARMY OFFICIAL 2 : So Malaysia is near China then?
TOP ARMY OFFICIAL 1 : Not quite actually. The South China Sea is to the immediate
south of Thailand, Myanmar and Cambodia.
TOP ARMY OFFICIAL 2 : Alright, enough with this crap. We can’t allow unimportant
details like geography to hinder the destructi…liberation of
Malaysia. Tommorow, we attack both East and West. And to be safe, let’s take out Cambodia, Myanmar, Indonesia,
Bruneiand the South China Sea.
TOP ARMY OFFICIAL 1 : And what about Thailand?
TOP ARMY OFFICIAL 2 : Leave it. End of year vacation.
Thus, the confusion among the ranks on the exact location of their target will send at least half the invading forces to nearby Australia and Hong Kong. But that still leaves us with the other half. But again, rest assured for we have our natural resources to rely on. Imagine now, the invading army on the horizon, marching on the horizon, guns at the ready. This is how we Malaysians respond : -
We gather a thousand or so expendable people. By ‘expendable’ I mean people who have not played a significant role in Malaysia’s progress, and hence, will not be missed, for example, national football players, Proton engineers, students in Business and History, Ah Bengs and of course, Fauziah Latiff. We get them to charge madly across the battlefield, scream in fury, and maybe yell out a battlecry or two, some good examples are “ YEARGHHHHHH!!!” and “ARGHHHHHHH!!”(Fauziah Latiff may have some pitching problems with this). But here’s the secret. We give each person a weapon. A weapon of incredible power and destruction.
A durian.
Have you ever seen a Mat Salleh react to a durian?It’s like putting two reactive chemicals together on a small metal plate and heating them up with a nuclear bomb. The moment the Mat Salleh sees the durian his face will immediately turn into a shade of green rivaling that of the durian itself, which will then followed by fainting, convulsions, coma and death. This is if he doesn’t choke on the pungent smell. Many moons ago, and I swear this is true, an episode of Fear Factor featured the durian as the second stunt. The second stunt, as many of you not living in Shah Alam know, is considered the Gross Stunt, where usually contestants have to eat gross stuff like cockroaches, intestines, maggots, penises, live worms, brains, eyeballs, fish eggs, wow are you still reading this?, century eggs, tables, chairs, babies, small children, etc etc.
I for one cannot fathom the absurdity of placing the durian as a gross item for indulgence. For us Malaysians, it is a delicacy for crying out loud!It’s literally marked on our calendars as a day of reverence and importance as we savour the King of Fruits.
And so that’s our first line of defence, opening up durians and throwing them towards the enemy soldiers. The combination of the thorns, yellowy goo and the smell will make any enemy think twice of invading.
to be continued....
Saturday, May 17, 2008
Chinese People
Nowadays everyone is abuzz with current affairs.Everyone is well read, and up to date. Me? Not so much. Because I don’t have enough money to buy newspapers and when I am online, the only ‘news’ I get are from political blogs written by brave,daring individuals.So my understanding of current affairs in Malaysia usually comprises of unsubstantiated rumours written with emotion and bias.
And my understanding of world events are even worse. I feel very nervous when people asked me, “Hey have you heard of so and so who did such and such at ….”, because my general knowledge is so poor. But over the years I have come up with 2 ‘safety sentences’ which are guaranteed to keep the conversation flowing and more importantly, make me look like a knowledgeable person.
The first one is : “Yeah, trouble in the Middle East again. What we really need is someone brave enough to take a stance, and get the parties involved talking again.That’s how the peace process can resume”
Now of course, that sentence means absolutely nothing to me.Where the hell is this so-called "Middle East" anyway? Somewhere in Perak? But because I have heard it mentioned in the news so many times, and always involving violence and people refusing to negotiate, when I just utter those few sentences, invariably people will agree with me.Brilliant
The second one is : Yeah, China is in a diplomatic mess again.”
This one works because China is ALWAYS in some sort of diplomatic mess. Tibet, Olympic Games, Communist regime, stealing secrets from the US, they are always in the news, and usually in a very controversial position.
The thing about China is that US is afraid of their progress. 45 year old and above man I know has told me the same story, “Hey, China is going to take over the world you know!”, in a tone that suggests that at one time or another, they were King of The World and their knowledge of current events is first class.
I don’t think China is going to take over anything anytime soon. And there are two reasons : -
1) Most of them can’t speak English
If you can’t speak English properly, then your video message that will be sent all over the world proclaiming your dominance over Earth won’t be impressive. And the whole mystique of controlling the entire world will be gone if it is spelt out with subtitles on the bottom of the screen.
2) Chinese people like to gamble.
This love for gambling has been embedded in the genes of every Chinese born. It has been foretold long ago in the heavens when the Earth was made that ‘Damnit, you Chinese shall go forth and gamble”. I shudder to think of the Fate of our world when they negotiate trade deals and declarations of war by inviting the other countries to participate in a friendly, yet highly tensed game of Mah Jong, or Cho Tai Ti.
More of interest to us though, is the way they gamble. I don’t care if you are a professor, Nobel prize winner, MENSA president, etc, if you are Chinese, the moment you gamble, all your intelligence, education and logic goes out the window.
You see, at the gambling table, Chinese people don’t believe in luck. Luck is for losers. Every Chinese person at the gambling table believes that how much money they win is determined by their own hands, and quite literally. Here’s a normal setup for a gambling session :-
A Chinese man is invited for a game of blackjack. After all, it’s a few more weeks to CNY, so best to get some practice in. Real money is involved of course. So the man sits at the gambling table. Now, at this precise moment where he is physically seated and staring into the eyes of his peers from whom he will win their money through the cards, a very important transformation occurs.
Now he is no longer James Lim from Finance, or Benjamin Teoh, father of two, or Teng Hock Aun, veteran coffeeshop operator.
No, now he is the God of Gamblers. In his mind, he is Chow Yun Fatt with a slick hairstyle and expensive suit.
And so the deck is shuffled by an appointed person. The person, having shuffled sufficiently, now distributes the cards, two each to every player. Let’s go back to our Chinese man. He now has in his hands, two cards. The deck of cards is at least a clear 30 inches away from him.
Now lets make something perfectly clear.
There is NO POSSIBLE WAY for him to change the cards that he has in his hands without cheating. NO POSSIBLE WAY. The strength of his two cards in this game of blackjack was determined when the person was randomly shuffling his deck and then distributed. The luck of his hand was there, right in the moment when the deck was shuffled.
But Mr. God of Gamblers thinks otherwise. Because now comes, in his mind, the most important, pivotal part of the game. Everything hangs onto this one interaction between him and the cards. He now has to ‘will’ the cards in his hand to be an Ace and a King, Queen, Jack or ten. Nevermind the fact that what he has in his hands were determined BEFORE he got them in his possession.
He doesn’t just turn them over, because turning them over to reveal the cards would immediately call upon some force of nature to change his cards to a three and two.No, he now has to press with ALL his might the two cards with his palms, as though trying to fuse both cards to become one, and ever so slowly part them, as though trying to erode the very ink of the cards, slowly, bit by bit, micrometer by micrometer, to reveal the edges of the cards.
And our God of Gamblers starts to erode his cards...sweating…herniating…leaking bodily fluids from every orifice available on his face, sweat coming out of every possible gland……okay…come on…let me see a blue line…come on….more sweat coming out…let’s see that blue line…. YES!!!! A BLUE LINE!!! It’s either a King, Queen or Jack!
Now he turns the just revealed card over to shield the other unseen card. And repeats the process…slowly eroding….yes come on…let’s see the edge empty…I want that Ace…more sweat…he is now swimming in sweat….come on..okay so far so good..all clear…and YES!!!! AN ACE!!!
BLACK JACK BABY!!!!
His face flushed with triumph, he slams the two cards down on the table with a flourish, for he has now earned twice the amount of money he has bet. His facial expression is not one of happiness, but that of a person who has actually worked hard for the money. For he earned the Ace and the King. It was through his work of art, involving his hands, that he was able physically make his cards appear so.
Can you imagine the Ruler of the World, a Chinese emperor of sorts, sitting down at a table, with a deck of cards, facing a president of some sort of world charity organization?
“ Okay…if I get an Ace….I will wipe put world poverty…..let’s see…okay…come on…let’s see that edge nice and clear…come on…so far so good…okay…seems clear…wait …oh no…it’s a Two..sorry that means Africa has to give us money instead..oh you’re not happy? Okay let’s take another card…Ace means you get to keep your head attached to your body….okay come on…let’s see that edge nice and clear…hey where are you going?”
And my understanding of world events are even worse. I feel very nervous when people asked me, “Hey have you heard of so and so who did such and such at ….”, because my general knowledge is so poor. But over the years I have come up with 2 ‘safety sentences’ which are guaranteed to keep the conversation flowing and more importantly, make me look like a knowledgeable person.
The first one is : “Yeah, trouble in the Middle East again. What we really need is someone brave enough to take a stance, and get the parties involved talking again.That’s how the peace process can resume”
Now of course, that sentence means absolutely nothing to me.Where the hell is this so-called "Middle East" anyway? Somewhere in Perak? But because I have heard it mentioned in the news so many times, and always involving violence and people refusing to negotiate, when I just utter those few sentences, invariably people will agree with me.Brilliant
The second one is : Yeah, China is in a diplomatic mess again.”
This one works because China is ALWAYS in some sort of diplomatic mess. Tibet, Olympic Games, Communist regime, stealing secrets from the US, they are always in the news, and usually in a very controversial position.
The thing about China is that US is afraid of their progress. 45 year old and above man I know has told me the same story, “Hey, China is going to take over the world you know!”, in a tone that suggests that at one time or another, they were King of The World and their knowledge of current events is first class.
I don’t think China is going to take over anything anytime soon. And there are two reasons : -
1) Most of them can’t speak English
If you can’t speak English properly, then your video message that will be sent all over the world proclaiming your dominance over Earth won’t be impressive. And the whole mystique of controlling the entire world will be gone if it is spelt out with subtitles on the bottom of the screen.
2) Chinese people like to gamble.
This love for gambling has been embedded in the genes of every Chinese born. It has been foretold long ago in the heavens when the Earth was made that ‘Damnit, you Chinese shall go forth and gamble”. I shudder to think of the Fate of our world when they negotiate trade deals and declarations of war by inviting the other countries to participate in a friendly, yet highly tensed game of Mah Jong, or Cho Tai Ti.
More of interest to us though, is the way they gamble. I don’t care if you are a professor, Nobel prize winner, MENSA president, etc, if you are Chinese, the moment you gamble, all your intelligence, education and logic goes out the window.
You see, at the gambling table, Chinese people don’t believe in luck. Luck is for losers. Every Chinese person at the gambling table believes that how much money they win is determined by their own hands, and quite literally. Here’s a normal setup for a gambling session :-
A Chinese man is invited for a game of blackjack. After all, it’s a few more weeks to CNY, so best to get some practice in. Real money is involved of course. So the man sits at the gambling table. Now, at this precise moment where he is physically seated and staring into the eyes of his peers from whom he will win their money through the cards, a very important transformation occurs.
Now he is no longer James Lim from Finance, or Benjamin Teoh, father of two, or Teng Hock Aun, veteran coffeeshop operator.
No, now he is the God of Gamblers. In his mind, he is Chow Yun Fatt with a slick hairstyle and expensive suit.
And so the deck is shuffled by an appointed person. The person, having shuffled sufficiently, now distributes the cards, two each to every player. Let’s go back to our Chinese man. He now has in his hands, two cards. The deck of cards is at least a clear 30 inches away from him.
Now lets make something perfectly clear.
There is NO POSSIBLE WAY for him to change the cards that he has in his hands without cheating. NO POSSIBLE WAY. The strength of his two cards in this game of blackjack was determined when the person was randomly shuffling his deck and then distributed. The luck of his hand was there, right in the moment when the deck was shuffled.
But Mr. God of Gamblers thinks otherwise. Because now comes, in his mind, the most important, pivotal part of the game. Everything hangs onto this one interaction between him and the cards. He now has to ‘will’ the cards in his hand to be an Ace and a King, Queen, Jack or ten. Nevermind the fact that what he has in his hands were determined BEFORE he got them in his possession.
He doesn’t just turn them over, because turning them over to reveal the cards would immediately call upon some force of nature to change his cards to a three and two.No, he now has to press with ALL his might the two cards with his palms, as though trying to fuse both cards to become one, and ever so slowly part them, as though trying to erode the very ink of the cards, slowly, bit by bit, micrometer by micrometer, to reveal the edges of the cards.
And our God of Gamblers starts to erode his cards...sweating…herniating…leaking bodily fluids from every orifice available on his face, sweat coming out of every possible gland……okay…come on…let me see a blue line…come on….more sweat coming out…let’s see that blue line…. YES!!!! A BLUE LINE!!! It’s either a King, Queen or Jack!
Now he turns the just revealed card over to shield the other unseen card. And repeats the process…slowly eroding….yes come on…let’s see the edge empty…I want that Ace…more sweat…he is now swimming in sweat….come on..okay so far so good..all clear…and YES!!!! AN ACE!!!
BLACK JACK BABY!!!!
His face flushed with triumph, he slams the two cards down on the table with a flourish, for he has now earned twice the amount of money he has bet. His facial expression is not one of happiness, but that of a person who has actually worked hard for the money. For he earned the Ace and the King. It was through his work of art, involving his hands, that he was able physically make his cards appear so.
Can you imagine the Ruler of the World, a Chinese emperor of sorts, sitting down at a table, with a deck of cards, facing a president of some sort of world charity organization?
“ Okay…if I get an Ace….I will wipe put world poverty…..let’s see…okay…come on…let’s see that edge nice and clear…come on…so far so good…okay…seems clear…wait …oh no…it’s a Two..sorry that means Africa has to give us money instead..oh you’re not happy? Okay let’s take another card…Ace means you get to keep your head attached to your body….okay come on…let’s see that edge nice and clear…hey where are you going?”
Friday, May 16, 2008
A Pre-emptive Strike!
In September 11,2001,a group of bearded men hijacked a couple of planes and flew them into the World Trade Centre the Pentagon.This tragic and horrifying incident heralded the start of a new global conflict,one that will be remembered alongside the both the World Wars,the Nazi Holocaust,the Cold War and all the other large-scale conflicts that shook and changed the world forever.Also,the man on the street lay witness to terrorist tactics,one which involved a modified type of suicide bombing,which came at a very little cost while giving rise to a maximal damage,both physically and psychologically.
In such harrowing times,Malaysia must be prepared for such attacks.For what if a certain world superpower decided that we harboured terrorists in our own backyard?I mean,the Taliban could very well be chilling on Pulau Langkawi,eating satay at Kajang or roti canai at any one of the thousands of mamak stores nationwide.We must definitely defend ourselves if such an attack on our sovereignity was imminent.And as they say,the best defense is a good offense.So,I suggest we conduct pre-emptive strikes to defend our country.The ends justify the means.
How would we do this,you say?Well we use terrorist tactics,but the difference between my proposed strategy and the one employed by the group of fanatics on September 11 is this : it is not suicidal. This particular tactic of mine only requires a few good men and no one dies.Best of all,it is not even a recognized military strategy,so they won’t know it’s us!My pre-emptive,strike-first-before-they-strike-us strategy is : -
Send some Malaysian drivers to our enemy’s country.
Think about it.We send in an attack squad of maybe 10 to 15 motorcyclists,who are usually between 18 to 21,unemployed and extremely stupid,and supported by 40 other hardcore drivers,you know,bus and taxi-drivers.All we have to do is migrate them there,get them some crappy part time jobs,but here’s the catch : their place of work and their living quarters must be at opposite sides of the enemey city.Then,when they start commuting to and fro work on their vehicles,maximum mayhem and chaos will ensue.Millions of enemy civilians will die,causing great depletion of national resources,manpower and a major dent in their economy,rendering them unable to mount any attack on us.
Driving in Penang is unlike driving in any other place.Here,when you are on a two-lane road and you want to switch lanes,you are not supposed to put on your signal,indicating which way you want to switch,because to the Penang driver behind you,that means he has to immediately speed up to your side,blocking you so that you now cannot switch lanes.This has been written down in our Malaysian Constitution,thanks to the wisdom of our forefathers.In fact,if a Penang driver were to mistakenly put on his signal when attempting to switch lanes and if you are behind him and you fail to block his path,then this will only confuse and disorientate him.This is highly dangerous.
Eye contact while driving is also very dangerous in Penang.Once,in KL,a female friend of mine was afraid of people who stared at her when she was driving,because according to her,”they all seemed like they want to rape me”.Things are not so different in Penang.While driving to Seberang Jaya one day,I passed by an awesome looking Mercedes.As I glanced over to look at it,I happened to look at the driver’s face who looked like a demure Chinese girl.She then returned my glance with a such an intense,unforgiving look that I thought she wanted to rape me.
You may have also realized that in Penang,motorcyclists are – to use the politically correct term – demon spawns from hell. According to mythology,demon spawns are servant of Satan and are therefore not bound to the physical laws that govern our world.This thoroughly explains why motorcyclists weave in and out of traffic with no regard for their lives.If they could,they would weave under a truck.Due to such bravery,I propose that we also train some of the demon spawns to become Highly Mobile Emergency Specialists,who will be on-call 24/7,riding their motorbikes to the rescue,because with all the weaving that they do,they will reach the victims in no time,freeing up the ambulances to cope with the other accident victims left behind in the wake of all the weaving.
With all the chaos of Penang driving,we as medical students must remember that we are above such behaviour.I am proud to say that I do my civic duty to make Penang a safer place to drive.Just yesterday,an obviously poorly trained Penang driver dangerously swerved in front of my car, with his signal on.To gently remind him of his inappropriate driving technique,I pressed both palms on my steering wheel to horn him continuously for 5 minutes,all the while following him from behind to not let him out of my sight.I then drove up beside him,smiled and gave him a cheery little wave,but without eye contact.
Well,I am almost reaching my destination now,so I will have to end it here.Driving while typing on such a slow laptop is quite exasperating,to be honest,but you do what you have – hey it’s that same car I honked at yesterday!Wonder what he is doing driving up so closely behind me.Oh look,the driver’s getting out,maybe he wants to say thank you for the reminder I gave him.Wonder why he has a baseball ba
-END-
In such harrowing times,Malaysia must be prepared for such attacks.For what if a certain world superpower decided that we harboured terrorists in our own backyard?I mean,the Taliban could very well be chilling on Pulau Langkawi,eating satay at Kajang or roti canai at any one of the thousands of mamak stores nationwide.We must definitely defend ourselves if such an attack on our sovereignity was imminent.And as they say,the best defense is a good offense.So,I suggest we conduct pre-emptive strikes to defend our country.The ends justify the means.
How would we do this,you say?Well we use terrorist tactics,but the difference between my proposed strategy and the one employed by the group of fanatics on September 11 is this : it is not suicidal. This particular tactic of mine only requires a few good men and no one dies.Best of all,it is not even a recognized military strategy,so they won’t know it’s us!My pre-emptive,strike-first-before-they-strike-us strategy is : -
Send some Malaysian drivers to our enemy’s country.
Think about it.We send in an attack squad of maybe 10 to 15 motorcyclists,who are usually between 18 to 21,unemployed and extremely stupid,and supported by 40 other hardcore drivers,you know,bus and taxi-drivers.All we have to do is migrate them there,get them some crappy part time jobs,but here’s the catch : their place of work and their living quarters must be at opposite sides of the enemey city.Then,when they start commuting to and fro work on their vehicles,maximum mayhem and chaos will ensue.Millions of enemy civilians will die,causing great depletion of national resources,manpower and a major dent in their economy,rendering them unable to mount any attack on us.
Driving in Penang is unlike driving in any other place.Here,when you are on a two-lane road and you want to switch lanes,you are not supposed to put on your signal,indicating which way you want to switch,because to the Penang driver behind you,that means he has to immediately speed up to your side,blocking you so that you now cannot switch lanes.This has been written down in our Malaysian Constitution,thanks to the wisdom of our forefathers.In fact,if a Penang driver were to mistakenly put on his signal when attempting to switch lanes and if you are behind him and you fail to block his path,then this will only confuse and disorientate him.This is highly dangerous.
Eye contact while driving is also very dangerous in Penang.Once,in KL,a female friend of mine was afraid of people who stared at her when she was driving,because according to her,”they all seemed like they want to rape me”.Things are not so different in Penang.While driving to Seberang Jaya one day,I passed by an awesome looking Mercedes.As I glanced over to look at it,I happened to look at the driver’s face who looked like a demure Chinese girl.She then returned my glance with a such an intense,unforgiving look that I thought she wanted to rape me.
You may have also realized that in Penang,motorcyclists are – to use the politically correct term – demon spawns from hell. According to mythology,demon spawns are servant of Satan and are therefore not bound to the physical laws that govern our world.This thoroughly explains why motorcyclists weave in and out of traffic with no regard for their lives.If they could,they would weave under a truck.Due to such bravery,I propose that we also train some of the demon spawns to become Highly Mobile Emergency Specialists,who will be on-call 24/7,riding their motorbikes to the rescue,because with all the weaving that they do,they will reach the victims in no time,freeing up the ambulances to cope with the other accident victims left behind in the wake of all the weaving.
With all the chaos of Penang driving,we as medical students must remember that we are above such behaviour.I am proud to say that I do my civic duty to make Penang a safer place to drive.Just yesterday,an obviously poorly trained Penang driver dangerously swerved in front of my car, with his signal on.To gently remind him of his inappropriate driving technique,I pressed both palms on my steering wheel to horn him continuously for 5 minutes,all the while following him from behind to not let him out of my sight.I then drove up beside him,smiled and gave him a cheery little wave,but without eye contact.
Well,I am almost reaching my destination now,so I will have to end it here.Driving while typing on such a slow laptop is quite exasperating,to be honest,but you do what you have – hey it’s that same car I honked at yesterday!Wonder what he is doing driving up so closely behind me.Oh look,the driver’s getting out,maybe he wants to say thank you for the reminder I gave him.Wonder why he has a baseball ba
-END-
Wednesday, May 14, 2008
Short Random Thoughts
Short, random thoughts (1)
This is a random segment where I just randomly blast off random thoughts at random, in a random fashion which you then randomly read at your random leisure.Ready?Let’s randomly move on : -
There is soon to be a global food shortage. Excellent news for people trying to diet.
Of all the hypocrites in the world, none is bigger than whoever is doing the voice-overs for radio ads. How can you swear that one brand is ‘the best in its range’ and then the next minute, swear that a rival brand also “ has the best quality”?. We are indecisive, and in times when we need guidance, all we get is you gushing about how ALL the products are awesome.
The radio-ad guy is also a bit inconsiderate. Many times I have heard him urging me to go to some sale at KL, and then the next minute recommend that I buy some holiday package NOW, and hurry while seats are available. Okay, hold on now, which one would you like me to do?
Have you all heard the Hitz.fm community announcement by Ch’nelle ( is that how you spell it?) about how we must remember our roots, our culture, etc etc. The last part of the announcement then goes something like this : “ And to all you Malaysians out there who have moved to other countries, don’t forget to stay true to your roots”, or something like that, I can’t remember word for word.
Question : If a Malaysian has moved to other countries, how can he listen to this announcement by hitz.fm, a local radio station?
By the way, I love hitz.fm. I honestly believe Rudy and JJ are the funniest radio personalities in Malaysia. Sigh…wonder if will ever read my blog…..
I know there is almost no way I can emphatically prove this, but there is DEFINITELY some form of marijuana in Ramley Burgers.
Have you ever wondered why when Elmer Fudd ran off the cliff while chasing Bugs Bunny, he kept on running in mid air, seemingly defying gravity, and then all of a sudden, he stops, then realizes that he is in mid –air, and then falls down ?
I am sure most people wondered, “How did he defy gravity?” But of course,I had a different perception. I was more curious of , “Why did he stop running?He was doing great the first few metres, why didn’t he keep a good thing going?”
Speaking of cartoons,who here does not feel bad for Wile. E. Coyote?
Where have all the kickass cartoons gone? Where are The Thundercats, He-Man, Beast Wars,Ultramen, Transformers, etc etc? We had like, gigantic robots battling evil,giant spacemen killing monsters and now, we have PowerPuff Girls and Sabrina the Teenage Witch.
Has anyone found out who let the dogs out? It’s been more than 5 years man!
Seriously, where are the hovercars ? Are we that behind in technology? How come we can send like, huge rockets across space to the Moon and Mars, but we can’t make relatively tiny cars jet around in our own atmosphere?See, when I phrase it like that, it sounds absurd that we don’t have Proton Angin, or Honda Sky, or Toyota Cloud right?
When I was young I used to fantasize about flying, as in Superman-style. But here’s the thing,if I were to somehow be granted the power of flight, I will only be able to enjoy it if NO ONE ELSE can fly like me.
And when normal people fantasize about flying, its about freedom, soaring in the skies, flirting with the clouds. But when I fantasize about flying, my thought process goes along the lines of : -
“Phew, save money on petrol man!”
“ If I have super strength, I can fly people around and boy, will AirAsia be
pissed!”
*using a megaphone* “Citizens of KL! I CAN SEE YOUR CLEAVAGE!”
“If I have super strength, I will fly to a random toll plaza on the highways and right before the cars reach the toll, I shall carry them, fly up, and transport them to the other side, just to piss Samy Vellu off”
“Oh no, bladder’s full. Nevermind, I shall sprinkle all over the ocean!”
*At a nearby playground* “ Hey kids want to play kejar-kejar?You kejar me okay?
*At a condominium* ( which I don’t even live in) “Aiyoh, lift break down again ah.? This is very inconvenient lah. Oh well, see you all later!” *fly up,slowly*
*At a court trial for alleged trespassing* “ But Your Honour, I swear that I did not step foot on her property while she was swimming in her pool with her bunch of girlfriends!”
*While suspended 20 feet in mid-air, looking downwards* “ Oi, you want to fight is it?Come lar, fight like a man, c’mon what you waiting for?”
“Wow, that’s a lot lah you’re paying for your flight to Ipoh.Too expensive.I wouldn’t waste my money like that.Okay, see you bro” *fly off,slowly*
And now, this segment shall randomly end.
This is a random segment where I just randomly blast off random thoughts at random, in a random fashion which you then randomly read at your random leisure.Ready?Let’s randomly move on : -
There is soon to be a global food shortage. Excellent news for people trying to diet.
Of all the hypocrites in the world, none is bigger than whoever is doing the voice-overs for radio ads. How can you swear that one brand is ‘the best in its range’ and then the next minute, swear that a rival brand also “ has the best quality”?. We are indecisive, and in times when we need guidance, all we get is you gushing about how ALL the products are awesome.
The radio-ad guy is also a bit inconsiderate. Many times I have heard him urging me to go to some sale at KL, and then the next minute recommend that I buy some holiday package NOW, and hurry while seats are available. Okay, hold on now, which one would you like me to do?
Have you all heard the Hitz.fm community announcement by Ch’nelle ( is that how you spell it?) about how we must remember our roots, our culture, etc etc. The last part of the announcement then goes something like this : “ And to all you Malaysians out there who have moved to other countries, don’t forget to stay true to your roots”, or something like that, I can’t remember word for word.
Question : If a Malaysian has moved to other countries, how can he listen to this announcement by hitz.fm, a local radio station?
By the way, I love hitz.fm. I honestly believe Rudy and JJ are the funniest radio personalities in Malaysia. Sigh…wonder if will ever read my blog…..
I know there is almost no way I can emphatically prove this, but there is DEFINITELY some form of marijuana in Ramley Burgers.
Have you ever wondered why when Elmer Fudd ran off the cliff while chasing Bugs Bunny, he kept on running in mid air, seemingly defying gravity, and then all of a sudden, he stops, then realizes that he is in mid –air, and then falls down ?
I am sure most people wondered, “How did he defy gravity?” But of course,I had a different perception. I was more curious of , “Why did he stop running?He was doing great the first few metres, why didn’t he keep a good thing going?”
Speaking of cartoons,who here does not feel bad for Wile. E. Coyote?
Where have all the kickass cartoons gone? Where are The Thundercats, He-Man, Beast Wars,Ultramen, Transformers, etc etc? We had like, gigantic robots battling evil,giant spacemen killing monsters and now, we have PowerPuff Girls and Sabrina the Teenage Witch.
Has anyone found out who let the dogs out? It’s been more than 5 years man!
Seriously, where are the hovercars ? Are we that behind in technology? How come we can send like, huge rockets across space to the Moon and Mars, but we can’t make relatively tiny cars jet around in our own atmosphere?See, when I phrase it like that, it sounds absurd that we don’t have Proton Angin, or Honda Sky, or Toyota Cloud right?
When I was young I used to fantasize about flying, as in Superman-style. But here’s the thing,if I were to somehow be granted the power of flight, I will only be able to enjoy it if NO ONE ELSE can fly like me.
And when normal people fantasize about flying, its about freedom, soaring in the skies, flirting with the clouds. But when I fantasize about flying, my thought process goes along the lines of : -
“Phew, save money on petrol man!”
“ If I have super strength, I can fly people around and boy, will AirAsia be
pissed!”
*using a megaphone* “Citizens of KL! I CAN SEE YOUR CLEAVAGE!”
“If I have super strength, I will fly to a random toll plaza on the highways and right before the cars reach the toll, I shall carry them, fly up, and transport them to the other side, just to piss Samy Vellu off”
“Oh no, bladder’s full. Nevermind, I shall sprinkle all over the ocean!”
*At a nearby playground* “ Hey kids want to play kejar-kejar?You kejar me okay?
*At a condominium* ( which I don’t even live in) “Aiyoh, lift break down again ah.? This is very inconvenient lah. Oh well, see you all later!” *fly up,slowly*
*At a court trial for alleged trespassing* “ But Your Honour, I swear that I did not step foot on her property while she was swimming in her pool with her bunch of girlfriends!”
*While suspended 20 feet in mid-air, looking downwards* “ Oi, you want to fight is it?Come lar, fight like a man, c’mon what you waiting for?”
“Wow, that’s a lot lah you’re paying for your flight to Ipoh.Too expensive.I wouldn’t waste my money like that.Okay, see you bro” *fly off,slowly*
And now, this segment shall randomly end.
Tuesday, May 13, 2008
Online Profiles
Many of us these days have an online profile. You know, those little things you put up on Friendster, Facebook or the likes, telling the world how superbly unique you are by doing exactly what a billion other people are doing.
What I wanna discuss today are the subtle and sneaky ways people have started to use online profiles. Have you ever seen a profile where the user, usually a female and a good-looking one at that, deliberately puts up a photo of herself alongside her trusty female sidekick, who happens to be unfortunate enough to be uglier than the user. And the Good Looking One captions her photo as : ‘ Me and my cute/pretty/gorgeous friend!’
My first thought upon encountering such a profile was , ‘Wow she is HOT!”. After the initial awe had died down, and I had cleaned myself up, I then began to observe The Hot One’s friend.“Wow she is UGLY”. And it’s not like I have anything personal towards the Ugly Duckling, as I myself possess the physical attractiveness and sexual magnetism of a collection of haemorrhoids, but the relative comparison of the two just makes matters worse for the poor gal. I mean, the hot one looks THAT much hotter when placed next to the her ugly companion, who looks THAT much worse. It’s like comparing body fat percentage between me and a pen, and then saying ,’Oh Jason, you are so slim!”
That is just self promotion at its sneakiest. Even Pepsi and Coca Cola wouldn’t do that. The best either company would do is just say “Here is our drink, it is the best in the world”. In all fairness, I suppose one can’t really say , “I am the best looking gal in my group of friends”, as that will produce a catfight even World War 2 veterans would fear to interfere, but still, how dare she?How dare she be so superficial and heartless?
And the caption in itself is the most devilish and cruel of all. By referring to her ugly friend as ‘gorgeous’ , and herself who is good looking as just ‘Me’, that is just rubbing salt, pepper, paprika, and industrial strength hydrochloric acid into an already festering wound. Just for the record, such a thing won’t happen to boys, as an act like that will be described as “Totally Gay’ and that message will be conveyed to the perpetrator of so heinous an act through the medium of fists to his face and knees to his testicular region. And who’s to say industrial strength hydrochloric acid won’t be involved at all?
And what about those really really self absorbed individuals who take a picture of just their face, but THEY ARE NOT LOOKING AT THE CAMERA. Instead, they are staring wistfully into space, showing thoughtful and endearing emotions. How much of a poser can you be? Can you imagine how insulted the person holding the camera is? The person being photographed isn’t even paying attention to the photographer! “What is so interesting to the left of your visual field that you aren’t even looking at me, the loser who agreed to photograph you? Shall I photograph that instead?”
Then it gets worse. Not content with just ONE photo of themselves as their profile photo, some individuals take like, 50 photos of JUST THEIR FACES and then assemble them into a collage of some sort.So now, when you click on their profiles, you are treated to like a million different camera angles of their nostrils, eyebrows, facial hair, pimples, freckles etc etc. It’s like they are trying to convince you , “Look, it’s really me okay?” in case you get confused with someone else who coincidentally share their name AND their facial features.
I once had a female friend named Joanne Low Yan Lee who for her sake of privacy we shall refer to as Miss X who had been going on and on for months about this friend of her friend’s who is ABSOLUTELY gorgeous, with smooth skin, anime-like hair and that dangerous, bad boy look about him. Of course, she had only saw him online on his Friendster profile and the only thing she knew about him was through his testimonials, many from girls who described him as “leng chai”, ”sexy man”, ”bootlicious”, etc etc, all bordering on the pornographic.
When they finally met at a gathering at Starbucks, Miss X nearly puked her coffee via her nostrils.The cruel irony was that this particular dude, whom I shall refer to as Mr. X instead of Justin Teoh Boon Chuan, had the complexion and skin texture of a rotten pineapple. His bad boy demeanour came from several years of evading the law while selling highly illegal yet very much sought after pirated porn VCDs. All his female ‘friends’ referred to him as ‘the sexy one’ out of sarcasm and out of the fact that every single one of them had rejected his advances.
After her coughs and sputters, suddenly Miss X began laughing. I felt a bit disturbed, as clearly this was a bit rude. Mr. X was after all, a stranger she had just met. I reprimanded her for her superficiality. She then apologized and clarified, “It’s just so bloody funny ‘cause he’s actually better looking than you!”. On a totally unrelated subject, Miss X is from house number 12, SS 4C, Kelana Jaya and has a nose the size of Nigeria.
Online profiles do have their perks. But some people overdo it. Have you heard of people who have like, multiple Friendster accounts, and like, a megazillion blogs, each one detailing their personal life by the second? I mean, how many friends can one have? I have seen a few people on Friendster who each have like a total combined number of friends in the thousands. In my opinion, if you have more than a 100 friends, you are a celebrity and no longer need an online profile. Just stick to about 50 or so, and pass the rest to me.
The other day I went to London to visit my friend, Selina Sharmalar Solomon of Biomedical Engineering at Imperial College, UK (not her real name, course or college). The politically correct term to describe her is “Facebook Whore”, and I feel that it has taken over her life. The moment I met her for the first time in a long while, she immediately exclaimed, “OH MY GAWSH, I have not seen you for so long…on Facebook”. I replied that Facebook didn’t appeal to me, and she replied with the most dangerous sentence in all of Womankind - ”Oh”- in a tone that suggested that I had defecated on her bed. To fill in the awkward silence that followed, I decided to ask her about the virtues of Facebook : -
“See see, it’s so cool, you can write on your friends’ wall! And you can also check ‘wall to wall’ and see what others have replied to each other’s wall! Cool right? Faster go write something on my wall!” And if you look at your friends’ photos, you can move your mouse over their faces and their NAMES WILL APPEAR! Cool right? And if you CLICK on their face, you can immediately see their profile! Cool right? And look look, you can give gifts to your friends! *moves mouse pointer over a Teddy Bear icon the size of a thumbnail*. If you click here, your friend will receive the gift! Cool right? And if you want someone’s attention, you can poke that person! Cool right? See, this fella has poked me. So I will poke him back. I tell you, I have been poked by him and his friends for like, 50 times last week. I better go mention that on his wall. Cool right?
We should try to do other stuff besides online profiling. Go out. Talk to an actual living, breathing PERSON. Gossip. Bathe. Fantasize about the opposite sex. Do something you can be proud of. Many years from now, will you tell your grandkids, ”Hey, when I was your age, I had an awesome online profile”? Or when you are lying on your deathbed, you ain’t gonna say , “Damn, I wish I jazzed up my HTML on my Friendster account”. If you got that last joke, you NEED TO GET OUT OF YOUR HOUSE.
So start living life outside of cyberspace more often. But whatever you do, stay true to yourself, don’t be a hypocrite and do come back to this blog often!
What I wanna discuss today are the subtle and sneaky ways people have started to use online profiles. Have you ever seen a profile where the user, usually a female and a good-looking one at that, deliberately puts up a photo of herself alongside her trusty female sidekick, who happens to be unfortunate enough to be uglier than the user. And the Good Looking One captions her photo as : ‘ Me and my cute/pretty/gorgeous friend!’
My first thought upon encountering such a profile was , ‘Wow she is HOT!”. After the initial awe had died down, and I had cleaned myself up, I then began to observe The Hot One’s friend.“Wow she is UGLY”. And it’s not like I have anything personal towards the Ugly Duckling, as I myself possess the physical attractiveness and sexual magnetism of a collection of haemorrhoids, but the relative comparison of the two just makes matters worse for the poor gal. I mean, the hot one looks THAT much hotter when placed next to the her ugly companion, who looks THAT much worse. It’s like comparing body fat percentage between me and a pen, and then saying ,’Oh Jason, you are so slim!”
That is just self promotion at its sneakiest. Even Pepsi and Coca Cola wouldn’t do that. The best either company would do is just say “Here is our drink, it is the best in the world”. In all fairness, I suppose one can’t really say , “I am the best looking gal in my group of friends”, as that will produce a catfight even World War 2 veterans would fear to interfere, but still, how dare she?How dare she be so superficial and heartless?
And the caption in itself is the most devilish and cruel of all. By referring to her ugly friend as ‘gorgeous’ , and herself who is good looking as just ‘Me’, that is just rubbing salt, pepper, paprika, and industrial strength hydrochloric acid into an already festering wound. Just for the record, such a thing won’t happen to boys, as an act like that will be described as “Totally Gay’ and that message will be conveyed to the perpetrator of so heinous an act through the medium of fists to his face and knees to his testicular region. And who’s to say industrial strength hydrochloric acid won’t be involved at all?
And what about those really really self absorbed individuals who take a picture of just their face, but THEY ARE NOT LOOKING AT THE CAMERA. Instead, they are staring wistfully into space, showing thoughtful and endearing emotions. How much of a poser can you be? Can you imagine how insulted the person holding the camera is? The person being photographed isn’t even paying attention to the photographer! “What is so interesting to the left of your visual field that you aren’t even looking at me, the loser who agreed to photograph you? Shall I photograph that instead?”
Then it gets worse. Not content with just ONE photo of themselves as their profile photo, some individuals take like, 50 photos of JUST THEIR FACES and then assemble them into a collage of some sort.So now, when you click on their profiles, you are treated to like a million different camera angles of their nostrils, eyebrows, facial hair, pimples, freckles etc etc. It’s like they are trying to convince you , “Look, it’s really me okay?” in case you get confused with someone else who coincidentally share their name AND their facial features.
I once had a female friend named Joanne Low Yan Lee who for her sake of privacy we shall refer to as Miss X who had been going on and on for months about this friend of her friend’s who is ABSOLUTELY gorgeous, with smooth skin, anime-like hair and that dangerous, bad boy look about him. Of course, she had only saw him online on his Friendster profile and the only thing she knew about him was through his testimonials, many from girls who described him as “leng chai”, ”sexy man”, ”bootlicious”, etc etc, all bordering on the pornographic.
When they finally met at a gathering at Starbucks, Miss X nearly puked her coffee via her nostrils.The cruel irony was that this particular dude, whom I shall refer to as Mr. X instead of Justin Teoh Boon Chuan, had the complexion and skin texture of a rotten pineapple. His bad boy demeanour came from several years of evading the law while selling highly illegal yet very much sought after pirated porn VCDs. All his female ‘friends’ referred to him as ‘the sexy one’ out of sarcasm and out of the fact that every single one of them had rejected his advances.
After her coughs and sputters, suddenly Miss X began laughing. I felt a bit disturbed, as clearly this was a bit rude. Mr. X was after all, a stranger she had just met. I reprimanded her for her superficiality. She then apologized and clarified, “It’s just so bloody funny ‘cause he’s actually better looking than you!”. On a totally unrelated subject, Miss X is from house number 12, SS 4C, Kelana Jaya and has a nose the size of Nigeria.
Online profiles do have their perks. But some people overdo it. Have you heard of people who have like, multiple Friendster accounts, and like, a megazillion blogs, each one detailing their personal life by the second? I mean, how many friends can one have? I have seen a few people on Friendster who each have like a total combined number of friends in the thousands. In my opinion, if you have more than a 100 friends, you are a celebrity and no longer need an online profile. Just stick to about 50 or so, and pass the rest to me.
The other day I went to London to visit my friend, Selina Sharmalar Solomon of Biomedical Engineering at Imperial College, UK (not her real name, course or college). The politically correct term to describe her is “Facebook Whore”, and I feel that it has taken over her life. The moment I met her for the first time in a long while, she immediately exclaimed, “OH MY GAWSH, I have not seen you for so long…on Facebook”. I replied that Facebook didn’t appeal to me, and she replied with the most dangerous sentence in all of Womankind - ”Oh”- in a tone that suggested that I had defecated on her bed. To fill in the awkward silence that followed, I decided to ask her about the virtues of Facebook : -
“See see, it’s so cool, you can write on your friends’ wall! And you can also check ‘wall to wall’ and see what others have replied to each other’s wall! Cool right? Faster go write something on my wall!” And if you look at your friends’ photos, you can move your mouse over their faces and their NAMES WILL APPEAR! Cool right? And if you CLICK on their face, you can immediately see their profile! Cool right? And look look, you can give gifts to your friends! *moves mouse pointer over a Teddy Bear icon the size of a thumbnail*. If you click here, your friend will receive the gift! Cool right? And if you want someone’s attention, you can poke that person! Cool right? See, this fella has poked me. So I will poke him back. I tell you, I have been poked by him and his friends for like, 50 times last week. I better go mention that on his wall. Cool right?
We should try to do other stuff besides online profiling. Go out. Talk to an actual living, breathing PERSON. Gossip. Bathe. Fantasize about the opposite sex. Do something you can be proud of. Many years from now, will you tell your grandkids, ”Hey, when I was your age, I had an awesome online profile”? Or when you are lying on your deathbed, you ain’t gonna say , “Damn, I wish I jazzed up my HTML on my Friendster account”. If you got that last joke, you NEED TO GET OUT OF YOUR HOUSE.
So start living life outside of cyberspace more often. But whatever you do, stay true to yourself, don’t be a hypocrite and do come back to this blog often!
Monday, May 12, 2008
Thanks for the support!
Dear fans,
I have just returned from PJ yesterday after collecting my first batch of books to be sold to my classmates at Penang Medical College.Demand has been good, there were 57 confirmed orders, and more are buying!Many thanks to all those who have already bought the book,I am very excited thinking of you guys reading the book as I am typing this.
Also, note of thanks to Leowania,my editor and Cassy from the Marketing Dept. and my Dad who made it possible for me to get the books to Penang Medical College.
Cheers everyone and happy reading!
More posts to come on this blog!
-Jason Leong, author of The Twisted Stethoscope.
I have just returned from PJ yesterday after collecting my first batch of books to be sold to my classmates at Penang Medical College.Demand has been good, there were 57 confirmed orders, and more are buying!Many thanks to all those who have already bought the book,I am very excited thinking of you guys reading the book as I am typing this.
Also, note of thanks to Leowania,my editor and Cassy from the Marketing Dept. and my Dad who made it possible for me to get the books to Penang Medical College.
Cheers everyone and happy reading!
More posts to come on this blog!
-Jason Leong, author of The Twisted Stethoscope.
Piracy to Porn
Every year seems to be Visit Malaysia Year.2008 seems to be no different.Malaysia has always been dependent on tourism as a vibrant component in our economy.In direct correlation to its importance is the efforts by our Government to promote Malaysia as key tourist destination.
While their efforts are certainly commendable, I feel that there is area for improvement. I say this because we have not tapped in the true marketing potential of Malaysia. For instance, why do we not promote the fact that Malaysia has the biggest thriving piracy industry in the world? Every year, piracy saves millions of consumers millions of ringgit by providing a cheap and readily available alternative to entertainment, be it Hollywood movies, or the latest Sony Playstation game. Thus with the money saved, Malaysian consumers have more buying power for their ringgit, and this in turn will boost the flow of ringgit within the nation and strengthen the ringgit.
Let’s not be secretive of the obvious fact that tourists stand to benefit from piracy. An original DVD in a country like Ireland, for example will cost roughly 20 Euros, which after conversion is equivalent to about RM 92.The apek who has bad breath and wears a gold chain with a dragon-shaped pendant at Sungai Wang Plaza sells the pirated versions of the same DVD containing the exact same content at the exact same quality for RM 15,and sometimes RM10 if you bargain well and wear a spaghetti strap. This means that the Irish person can potentially buy 8 more DVDs for the same amount of money back in Ireland. If you are a pampered rich momma’s boy and don’t understand the implication, this means that the foreign consumer will save. A. Lot. Of. Money.
Since piracy is already a huge problem which doesn’t seem to be solved soon, I say let’s make the most out of it and exploit the opportunity for improving our tourism industry. As they say, the Chinese have the same word for ‘crisis’ and ‘opportunity to make money’. My vision for the future is seeing tourists shipping back huge containers of pirated stuff back to their country and starting their own business there. Think about it. Not only will this also increase business for our local shipping companies but all peripheral industries like CD and DVD manufacturers as well as companies who produce digital-copying hardware and software will stand to gain from this and thus increasing also the government’s revenue through tax. It’s WIN-WIN! Think about it,open your minds!
For many years now, the government has tried to track down the hidden warehouses and clandestine factories which produce thousands upon thousands of pirated software and entertainment media. While the efforts of the police are commendable,I think we are overlooking a very obvious fact. Have you ever thought of the technology these pirates have in their hands? Let’s ponder about it for a moment. There are multinational conglomerates worth billions of dollars which manufacture their product, be it a CD album or a DVD movie, and sell them at high prices which though affordable by the average consumer, is greatly annoying. What does this mean?
This means that the technology that they use to manufacture their product gives rise to such high costs that they have to sell at high prices in order to make a profit. But wait a minute, what about the pirates in Malaysia? They sell their products at absurdly low prices. For instance ,an original CD album will cost around RM 30 to RM 40.But a pirated one only costs RM 5 to RM 10!If you follow closely, this means that the pirates, through their R & D department have come up with a way to produce CDs at a much lower cost ,thus enabling them to sell at low prices and effectively compete with the international conglomerates.
It is so obvious and yet we have missed it all this while! So, my proposal is this. Instead of cracking down their operation and arresting them, let’s have an open dialogue and sign an agreement with them which will result in the government gaining the secrets of their technology in exchange for freedom to conduct their operations. Once we do that, we immediately obtain an international patent and then market the technology internationally. What will result? Obviously international brands will flock to purchase our patent because it lowers their costs. This means that whatever they choose to produce and sell using our technology, we stand to gain a profit from it! I am not much of a businessman, but realistically, if we earn 1% of every CD sold by a recording label like EMI or from every game sold by Sony, taking into account that they earn BILLIONS per annum, by the end of the fiscal year, we will be flying around in our private jets because the tyres in our Ferraris are flattened from ferrying our rich fat butts from sauna to sauna.T he opportunity is there, let’s go for it.
If we follow through with the above plan,then it also makes sense to legalize piracy. This will mean that those interested in selling pirated media will have to register their business as a legitimate one. Any fool will rather be legitimate and pay a one time nominal registration fee than running away from the authorities all his career Again, the government will gain through taxation from the income of those businesses.
Another problem which I wish to address is porn, a taboo of our society. Pornographic material is now available everywhere and too readily so, if I may add. As a society,we cannot stop the influx of pornographic material in our black markets ,for that is too big a logistical problem. The Internet is being perceived these days as an information superhighway but in reality,it is a superhighway of porn.
However, we can subtly change the perception of porn in its’ consumers, mainly men and a minority of very liberal women. Before I go further, let’s review a famous psychological experiment done by a dude name Pavlov.
For the unfamiliar,Pavlov conducted an experiment which involved conditioning a dog to salivate at the sound of a bell.This he did by sounding a bell near the dog every time before he fed it..This Pavlov continued many times over. After an extended period of similar repetitions, the dog became ‘conditioned’ to salivate whenever he heard the bell, and whether or not food followed thereafter was of no consequence to the initial salivation.
So how do we use the phenomenon of conditioning to our favour? First let us ponder for a moment our education system. Have you ever felt like just dozing off, falling into a coma or dying when you were in a classroom or lecture theatre and your teacher or lecturer was, with all due respect,as boring as trying to watch a baby worm grow to adulthood? I mean sure, he could be a brilliant academician who writes textbooks and research papers on his subject of teaching, but there is not just a line between a brilliant person and a good instructor ,there is an entire Great Wall of China with armed sentries every hundred feet.
I had a teacher once who had a voice so monotonous you could record it and sell it as a cure for insomnia and you would be a billionaire by tomorrow. There was absolutely NO DIFFERENCE in her tone. Whether giving an instruction or giving birth, she sounded exactly the same. You could drink an entire gallon of coffee and shoot yourself with amphetamines that morning, the moment you sat through half an hour of periodical tables and chemical equations with her ,you would be half dead. She was so bad, she could bore an unwanted foetus to self-abort .There was no subject on earth that she could make interesting. Not even porn.
Aha, you see where I am going now. In order to psychologically condition men of porn, why don’t we get boring teachers like her to star in porn movies which will absolutely bore men to deat….whoa..wait wait..let me backtrack here. Sorry about that.
Aha, you see where I am going now. In order to psychologically condition men of porn, why don’t we get boring teachers like her to teach the subject of Sex Education and Pornography ( SEP) to boys at an early age? Teachers will be encouraged to use as many visual and multimedia aids as possible to enhance the conditioning effect. After 12 years of school learning various facts, figures, graphs, equations and writing essays, answering multiple-choice-questions in pornography exams, men will come to regard porn the same way many regard the subjects they were taught at school. A forgotten, tiresome, pointless and obsolete subject, like Add Maths and Moral Studies. A subject that is connected to the memories of fighting hard not to fall asleep and of watching pictures of naked ladies through heavy eyelids and tears of boredom. The result is of course,men being conditioned to immediately spurn pornography for after years and years of laborious repetitions of pointless exams and criminally boring teachers, they become bored of pornography. Success!
I will like to end my article here with a disclaimer : This has been for entertainment and comedy purposes only.I do not for a single moment support piracy. To prove this, I will set up a website promoting anti-piracy propaganda. The website will be filled with awesome effects and HTML produced by software I bought from Imbi Plaza. I also do not support pornography, and have endeavoured to stem the influence of such materials by confiscating all my friends’ stashes of porn and safekeeping them in my house.
Okay seriously, I do not support piracy. Belilah Ori. Buy Original. And as for porn, let’s be grown up and avoid it, for it demeans women. And I have a girlfriend .I love you Komella! But I do want to point out that although this article has been produced just for my own personal amusement and largely composed of words and sentences shooting out from my arse, I have one question for you.
Isn’t it scary that it actually makes some sense?
While their efforts are certainly commendable, I feel that there is area for improvement. I say this because we have not tapped in the true marketing potential of Malaysia. For instance, why do we not promote the fact that Malaysia has the biggest thriving piracy industry in the world? Every year, piracy saves millions of consumers millions of ringgit by providing a cheap and readily available alternative to entertainment, be it Hollywood movies, or the latest Sony Playstation game. Thus with the money saved, Malaysian consumers have more buying power for their ringgit, and this in turn will boost the flow of ringgit within the nation and strengthen the ringgit.
Let’s not be secretive of the obvious fact that tourists stand to benefit from piracy. An original DVD in a country like Ireland, for example will cost roughly 20 Euros, which after conversion is equivalent to about RM 92.The apek who has bad breath and wears a gold chain with a dragon-shaped pendant at Sungai Wang Plaza sells the pirated versions of the same DVD containing the exact same content at the exact same quality for RM 15,and sometimes RM10 if you bargain well and wear a spaghetti strap. This means that the Irish person can potentially buy 8 more DVDs for the same amount of money back in Ireland. If you are a pampered rich momma’s boy and don’t understand the implication, this means that the foreign consumer will save. A. Lot. Of. Money.
Since piracy is already a huge problem which doesn’t seem to be solved soon, I say let’s make the most out of it and exploit the opportunity for improving our tourism industry. As they say, the Chinese have the same word for ‘crisis’ and ‘opportunity to make money’. My vision for the future is seeing tourists shipping back huge containers of pirated stuff back to their country and starting their own business there. Think about it. Not only will this also increase business for our local shipping companies but all peripheral industries like CD and DVD manufacturers as well as companies who produce digital-copying hardware and software will stand to gain from this and thus increasing also the government’s revenue through tax. It’s WIN-WIN! Think about it,open your minds!
For many years now, the government has tried to track down the hidden warehouses and clandestine factories which produce thousands upon thousands of pirated software and entertainment media. While the efforts of the police are commendable,I think we are overlooking a very obvious fact. Have you ever thought of the technology these pirates have in their hands? Let’s ponder about it for a moment. There are multinational conglomerates worth billions of dollars which manufacture their product, be it a CD album or a DVD movie, and sell them at high prices which though affordable by the average consumer, is greatly annoying. What does this mean?
This means that the technology that they use to manufacture their product gives rise to such high costs that they have to sell at high prices in order to make a profit. But wait a minute, what about the pirates in Malaysia? They sell their products at absurdly low prices. For instance ,an original CD album will cost around RM 30 to RM 40.But a pirated one only costs RM 5 to RM 10!If you follow closely, this means that the pirates, through their R & D department have come up with a way to produce CDs at a much lower cost ,thus enabling them to sell at low prices and effectively compete with the international conglomerates.
It is so obvious and yet we have missed it all this while! So, my proposal is this. Instead of cracking down their operation and arresting them, let’s have an open dialogue and sign an agreement with them which will result in the government gaining the secrets of their technology in exchange for freedom to conduct their operations. Once we do that, we immediately obtain an international patent and then market the technology internationally. What will result? Obviously international brands will flock to purchase our patent because it lowers their costs. This means that whatever they choose to produce and sell using our technology, we stand to gain a profit from it! I am not much of a businessman, but realistically, if we earn 1% of every CD sold by a recording label like EMI or from every game sold by Sony, taking into account that they earn BILLIONS per annum, by the end of the fiscal year, we will be flying around in our private jets because the tyres in our Ferraris are flattened from ferrying our rich fat butts from sauna to sauna.T he opportunity is there, let’s go for it.
If we follow through with the above plan,then it also makes sense to legalize piracy. This will mean that those interested in selling pirated media will have to register their business as a legitimate one. Any fool will rather be legitimate and pay a one time nominal registration fee than running away from the authorities all his career Again, the government will gain through taxation from the income of those businesses.
Another problem which I wish to address is porn, a taboo of our society. Pornographic material is now available everywhere and too readily so, if I may add. As a society,we cannot stop the influx of pornographic material in our black markets ,for that is too big a logistical problem. The Internet is being perceived these days as an information superhighway but in reality,it is a superhighway of porn.
However, we can subtly change the perception of porn in its’ consumers, mainly men and a minority of very liberal women. Before I go further, let’s review a famous psychological experiment done by a dude name Pavlov.
For the unfamiliar,Pavlov conducted an experiment which involved conditioning a dog to salivate at the sound of a bell.This he did by sounding a bell near the dog every time before he fed it..This Pavlov continued many times over. After an extended period of similar repetitions, the dog became ‘conditioned’ to salivate whenever he heard the bell, and whether or not food followed thereafter was of no consequence to the initial salivation.
So how do we use the phenomenon of conditioning to our favour? First let us ponder for a moment our education system. Have you ever felt like just dozing off, falling into a coma or dying when you were in a classroom or lecture theatre and your teacher or lecturer was, with all due respect,as boring as trying to watch a baby worm grow to adulthood? I mean sure, he could be a brilliant academician who writes textbooks and research papers on his subject of teaching, but there is not just a line between a brilliant person and a good instructor ,there is an entire Great Wall of China with armed sentries every hundred feet.
I had a teacher once who had a voice so monotonous you could record it and sell it as a cure for insomnia and you would be a billionaire by tomorrow. There was absolutely NO DIFFERENCE in her tone. Whether giving an instruction or giving birth, she sounded exactly the same. You could drink an entire gallon of coffee and shoot yourself with amphetamines that morning, the moment you sat through half an hour of periodical tables and chemical equations with her ,you would be half dead. She was so bad, she could bore an unwanted foetus to self-abort .There was no subject on earth that she could make interesting. Not even porn.
Aha, you see where I am going now. In order to psychologically condition men of porn, why don’t we get boring teachers like her to star in porn movies which will absolutely bore men to deat….whoa..wait wait..let me backtrack here. Sorry about that.
Aha, you see where I am going now. In order to psychologically condition men of porn, why don’t we get boring teachers like her to teach the subject of Sex Education and Pornography ( SEP) to boys at an early age? Teachers will be encouraged to use as many visual and multimedia aids as possible to enhance the conditioning effect. After 12 years of school learning various facts, figures, graphs, equations and writing essays, answering multiple-choice-questions in pornography exams, men will come to regard porn the same way many regard the subjects they were taught at school. A forgotten, tiresome, pointless and obsolete subject, like Add Maths and Moral Studies. A subject that is connected to the memories of fighting hard not to fall asleep and of watching pictures of naked ladies through heavy eyelids and tears of boredom. The result is of course,men being conditioned to immediately spurn pornography for after years and years of laborious repetitions of pointless exams and criminally boring teachers, they become bored of pornography. Success!
I will like to end my article here with a disclaimer : This has been for entertainment and comedy purposes only.I do not for a single moment support piracy. To prove this, I will set up a website promoting anti-piracy propaganda. The website will be filled with awesome effects and HTML produced by software I bought from Imbi Plaza. I also do not support pornography, and have endeavoured to stem the influence of such materials by confiscating all my friends’ stashes of porn and safekeeping them in my house.
Okay seriously, I do not support piracy. Belilah Ori. Buy Original. And as for porn, let’s be grown up and avoid it, for it demeans women. And I have a girlfriend .I love you Komella! But I do want to point out that although this article has been produced just for my own personal amusement and largely composed of words and sentences shooting out from my arse, I have one question for you.
Isn’t it scary that it actually makes some sense?
Friday, May 9, 2008
Many many thanks to my blog idol, Kenny Sia!
Thanks so much, bro!
For mentioning my book on your blog, it's an honour!
Hail to www.kennysia.com
For mentioning my book on your blog, it's an honour!
Hail to www.kennysia.com
Lamp Post
Everyone hates to be a lamp post. I don’t mean being an actual lamp post, made of metal, filled with wires, forever stationary on some random, back alley or downtown street.I am talking about being the social role that you assume when you (and only you) are in the presence of another couple who are your friends.
I have to say here at this juncture that being an actual lamp post might also, quite possibly suck a lot.
But nothing sucks more than you seated in the driver’s seat of your car while two of your friends who are conveniently boyfriend and girlfriend are in the backseat, canoodling, cuddling, lip-mashing, playing tongue hockey, exchanging DNA or whatever cool term you guys used to describe what the old generation used to call, ‘making out’.
We’ve all experienced it. We understand what it’s about (we all did Biology in Form 3 right?).We know the process. We get it.
And we freaking hate watching other people do it. Especially if the blissful couple who are physically fusing their skin to each other’s are our friends. Even worse if they are mere inches away in the backseat of your car, totally oblivious to your presence and even more so towards your driving services.
Sure for a moment, jealousy creeps in at least for the first few seconds. Then hatred for a few more seconds. Which finally gives way to long lasting, semi-permanent disgust and loathing, two distinct emotional entities which are almost guaranteed to kick start your intestines to do the Macarena.
Even worse of course when you overhear the sweet-nothings whispered to one another. One of the absolute stupid ones I have ever heard ( and have never whispered to my own girlfriend) is this : -
“You are the first thing I think about when I wake up, and the last thing I think about when I go to sleep.”
That is the most absurd thing to ever say to another human being, regardless of how much you love the other person to whom you are whispering said disgusting sentence.
If I ever hear my girlfriend say that to me, immediately my reaction would be :-
“Are you trying to say you only think about me twice a day?”
or-
“Am I such a dull, uninspired and boring personality that the thought of me at night makes you go to sleep?”
And the worst thing about is that it is an absolute lie. Stuff like “you are the love of my life” or “I think of you all the time” may be saccharinely nauseating, but at least it can be true. Not this one. Because I can absolutely guarantee you that the first thing you think about in the morning is not your significant other, no matter how hot he is in bed or no matter how much of a man she makes you feel. Here’s what happens in the morning.
You are blissfully asleep. Perhaps dreaming too. Your day has not begun yet. It’s all dark and cooling. Bliss. Your body is recuperating, growth hormones are spurting all over your body, your circadian rhythm is ---
KRRRRRRRRRRRINGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG
Your alarm wakes you up and lo and behold, your first thought of the day is :-
HUAARRRRGGHGGHHHHHFFFFFSSSLLLPP
That is your first thought of the day. Your primal instinct, enraged at having woken up, all summarized in a series of consonants. It ain’t your girlfriend or boyfriend, who may be next to you in bed, thinking the same exact first thought of the day.
And when you have finished that first thought of the day, the next one isn’t about your girlfriend or boyfriend either. It’s not “ I am so happy to have her/him in my life. She/he completes me. Makes me whole. Makes me feel happy. My companion. My soulmate. I love her/him.”
No it’s not that.
It’s ‘SNOOZE!!!!!!”
That’s the word we form in our brain EVERY MORNING for EVERY DAY for THE REST of our lives. SNOOZE starts your day. It is the embodiment of the fact that human beings,no matter our religious, racial, cultural or individual differences have one thing in common besides the fact that we like watching Lost :- we really hate waking up.
Why do you think babies are so difficult to deliver? One would think that anyone would be excited at getting delivered into the world right? But no, babies too prefer to sleep and not wake up. That’s why they cling to their cord, and turn their bodies into difficult positions. It’s their way of saying, “Oi gimme five more minutes”. It’s their snooze button.
That’s also why they Egyptians mummify themselves.They are just so afraid of being woken up in case they were not really dead that they wrap themselves with cloth,stuff their mouths, and seal themselves in large, grandiose tombs. That’s a more powerful kind of snooze button.
And so you reach out to hammer the snooze button, the one that used to have the word ‘SNOOZE’ printed on it in white, but now has rapidly faded away thanks to the daily friction from your index finger. Now it roughly says “-OOZE”. That’s how your morning is. A series of snoozes.
Girls, if your boyfriend really does think about you the first thing he wakes up,he is cheating on you.
Boys, if your girlfriend really does think about you the first thing she wakes up, she is gonna dump you.
Cheers!
Thursday, May 8, 2008
Are You Malaysian?
Beyond your IC
Part 1
Are you Malaysian?If you were born in Malaysia,of course logically you would answer yes,you are indeed Malaysian.But is ‘Malaysian’ merely a nationality,a label to differentiate people according to citizenship?I believe that the term ‘Malaysian’ is more than just what your passport or IC says.It is an identity,which cannot be acquired through location of birth,illegal immigration,marriages of convenience or by staying in Malaysia for an X amount of years.To be truly Malaysian,one must experiences the nuances of life that only our country can offer.
Here is a list of criteria one must comply with to be truly Malaysian.You may be a Caucasian expat who has lived in Malaysia for decades,or you can be a hip 15 year old girl with belly piercings.Anyone and everyone can fulfill these criteria.Simply said,almost anyone can be Malaysian.
1) You must have been / still being educated in a government Sekolah Rendah or Sekolah Menengah Kebangsaan.
This I believe is the most crucial initiation process of anyone who will grow up to be Malaysian.The experiences offered by government schools are absolutely vital.For instance,every government school has that Discipline Teacher,almost always male,who graduates from the School of Hard Knocks.He will brandish a nice long and thick rotan that gives an almighty swish when he rains down punishment unconditionally.Long nails will earn you two slashes on the butt and sometimes,depending on his mood,a good few slaps or two.And theres NOTHING you can do about it.If you complained to your parents about the disciplining being too harsh,they will hesitate to confront him about it for they too were once victims of their own discipline teachers.
In private schools,students are devoid of the pleasure of the discipline teacher.There,corporal punishment is deemed as barbaric.The worst punishment they do mete out is detention and official letters sent to parents,which really,does nothing.Detention is where they meet their cronies,and letters often get ‘lost in the post’.It is a paradoxical universe,where teachers hesitate to punish and are afraid of losing their jobs to complaints from parents who pay the equivalent of the national debt of Czech Republic to keep their precious princes and princesses in school.I feel sad for these kids.They will never experience the sheer exhilaration of playing truant and inventing excuses to save our butts from the rotan.They will never tremble in fear and wet their underwear when the Discipline Teacher stares them down like little maggots he would sooner squish with his shoe than give the time of day.They will never enjoy seeing the utter humiliation of fellow trouble-makers at the hands of the Discipline Teacher,bending over and letting the rotan have its way with them.Or the pure,undulated amusement of being amongst the hundreds of students during assembly watching him berate the entire school for trivial matters like letting the air out of the teachers’ car tyres and throwing eggs and flour at the Headmaster’s office.
In every government school,there’s always one Weird Teacher.This character is one that is famous throughout the school but for all the wrong reasons.It’s either a teacher who can’t teach for nuts,like an English teacher who pronounces ‘air’ as in the Malay word for water,a teacher whose face resembles an ape,or the resident psychopath who talks to himself and wears make-up.And of course,the always popular Perverted Teacher.Every school has at least one,and is always male.In an all-girls school,he will be the bane of the gals’ existence,constantly looking at their chest region,through the thin baju-kurungs.In an all-boys school,he will be the fun of the party,the one who tells dirty jokes at the end of classes,shares tips with the guys and points out interesting features of his female colleagues.Will you get this in a private school,where sexual harassment lawsuits will be flung left,right and centre by conscious parents?
2) “The dirtier the restaurant,the better the food”
Think for a moment of your favourite local eat-out place.If it’s a restaurant with air-conditioning and clean toilets,you are not Malaysian.It should be a place that is preferably open air,with lots of flies.If the toilets are absolutely disgusting with fungus growing on more fungus,you score an additional 60 points.The operators of the restaurant must be absolutely filthy to look at,with a variety of stains on their aprons.If they have no aprons,voila,another 60 points.It can even be a small nasi lemak stall set up by the local loud-mouthed makcik or the Ramley Burger stall operated by dodgy youths driving modified Kancils.Adhere to the maxim, the dirtier,the better.
I will tell you of a famous restaurant in Kuala Lumpur.Well,the term ‘restaurant’ is a bit of stretch as it is more of a small room that somehow has people selling food out of it.It is smack dab in the middle of KL,with traffic rolling just 50 cm away from the main entrance.The carbon monoxide from exhaust pipes,sulphur from the nearby construction site,dust and smoke will mix with the pungent smell of the restaurant’s ‘toilet’ to form an aroma that is potent enough to kill horses.This wonderful assault on your senses will then be complimented with the stench of sweat from unknown bodily regions of the restaurant staff.The ambience is provided by walls with their paint peeling off and moss growing in every nook and cranny,sometimes even in the armpits of the cooks.The dining music is provided by rude Hokkien uncles debating politics.
But I swear to you,the prawn noodles that they serve are the best ever.The soup sweet and spicy to the tongue,the noodles soft yet springy and the prawns fresh and succulent.Topped with hot chilli paste and sometimes hard boiled eggs,it is literally heaven in the midst of hell.You just cannot replicate the culinary experience in a clean,air-conditioned restaurant with well-trained waiters and chef,no matter how hard you try.Yes,one might wonder where exactly the good taste comes from,but as they say,ignorance is bliss.
3) You must be an arsehole on the road
We Malaysians can spot a tourist from a mile away.He is the one who drives carefully,doesn’t kill anyone,and actually signals before he turns.That tourist,by possessing some innate gift,has actually figured out how to read road signs,which is written in an ancient language with weird diagrams that we Malaysians just cannot comprehend.I mean,what exactly does a yellow sign with an exclamation mark with the words 90 km/h actually mean?Is it trying to urgently (hence the exclamation mark) tell us to go beyond 90 km/h?Ask the tourist,he knows!And,we really need to learn how to park without obstructing an adjacent car’s path of exit.I know its abnormal,but seriously,I think double-parking may,and here I stress on the word ‘may’ cause serious inconvenience to other drivers.Maybe,I am not sure.Research is still being undertaken on this subject matter and results should be out soon.Stay tuned.
Scientists say that one of the major cause of blindness apart from trauma to the head and looking at Miss Malaysia/Universe contestants are bad diet and a lazy lifestyle.This is because our arteries become clogged,and therefore less blood goes to the retina to supply it.Soon,the retina will slowly die off,causing loss of vision.What the scientists have failed to take into account is another more serious cause of blindness.
Cars fitted with front headlamps that emit ‘white light’.
Have you ever had your corneas barbecued by cars fitted with such lights?These lights are powered by 80 million megavolts of electricity and are EXTREMELY bright.You can tell when a car fitted with such lights are nearby because suddenly,it’s daytime again.If you see such a car heading your way, TURN AWAY IMMEDIATELY unless you want your windscreen to be melted.
But I understand why some people see the need for such lights.I am also aware some of you reading this may possess such lights or know someone who does.Here’s a maintenance tip.If you think the lights are not bright enough,you can check them easily.First,with the lights switched off,bend down until you are eye level with the lights.Open your eyes as wide as possible,and try to focus very very intensely on those krypton bulbs.Try not to blink.Now,again,the important part here is to keep your eyes still very widely open,as if you are watching porn for the first time.Get a friend to start the engine,but leave the lights switched OFF.Don’t panic,for this is all part of the routine.Keep your eyes wide open.At this point,your friend should release the brake and press the accelerator as hard as possible.If done properly,you will probably see a very bright light.Thats a good sign your headlamps are working.
4) Be proud of Manglish,but ditch it the moment you see an ang-moh
We are very proud of our accent,as if we somehow worked for years to perfect it.The true Manglish speaker can by the very simple usage of ‘lah’ , ‘mah’ or ‘hor’ can completely turn a conversation around.It can connotate sarcasm,praise,reprimand, and even seduction.For example – ‘You are very good looking”.Now,to a non-Malaysian,that sentence may only serve one purpose,that is to praise.But we Malaysians can twist it around with just one extra syllable.
For instance,if a guy were to end it with a very low-toned ‘lah’,it would immediately indicate that he is horny.If a girl were to deliver that same sentence with a slightly prolonged ‘mah’ accompanied by a discreet roll of her eyes,everyone will see that she is jealous.And lastly,if a mother were to utter that sentence to her daughter ending with a sharp ‘hor’,that will indicate that her daughter actually resembles Jabba the Hutt’s backside.
And yet,with such a powerful linguistic tool at our disposal,we would never dream of using it in the presence of foreigners.Why is that when we have Mat Sallehs for company,we never speak Manglish to them?Where do all our ‘lah’s and phrases like “ is dis your wan or my wan’ go?Suddenly,we speak normal sounding English,and our grammar becomes horribly correct and pronunciation atrociously perfect.
Perhaps maybe deep deep down inside,we realize how terribly uncool we all sound with our Malaysian accents.This is why Malaysian movies will never make it big in Hollywood.And some of us are so desperate to shed our natural accent that the moment we find a plausible excuse,we put on an accent.Perhaps that’s why we love practicing our fake accents with Westerners
I mean,you see many pretentious people who spend a week in Western countries suddenly develop an accent so thick,it’s unbelievable.Sure,an American accent sounds good on a person with Caucasian features like freckles,pink flushes,clear blue eyes,blonde hair,etc.etc.But when a guy who looks like he should sell pirated DVDs for a living suddenly says , “Hey dudes,Jessica Alba is like sooo totally hot,man I’m like so totally on that bod man.Far out!”,you just know it doesn’t go together,like wearing a thong to church.It’s just wrong.
And then on the other side of the coin,you will NEVER ever see foreigners attempt to imitate our accents.It’s physically impossible,because the moment they try it,their brain receives impulses from the muscles controlling the vocal cords,which tells the brain that “it is VERY UNCOOL to sound Malaysian“ and the brain will just shut down the muscles for a few seconds,which will render the would-be impersonator speechless.
But yet,we must stand tall and proud of our accent!Speak like true Malaysians wherever you go!Do not compromise our identity for sake of clarity!If you’re Malaysian,lets say out loud in the spirit of brotherhood, “WE CAN DO IT WAN LAH!”
And if you are a foreigner (especially if you are Australian,British or American) reading this,I say this to you with all sincereity.Try the Malaysian accent out and give us feedback.As always,just by virtue of your status as a Westerner,your opinions should always matter greatly to us.
Hor.
….to be continued.
Thursday, May 1, 2008
Contradictions
Life is so very full of contradictions that it should come to all of our surprise that we do not observe them more often. Yet, they are there. The problem is that the pairs of observations that would make up contradictions are so obscure, so vastly set apart in our overall take on life that it is sometimes hard to put them together.
It was not too long ago that we used to hear of how
I remember the news broadcast. It was on ntv7 I think. There was a grim-faced Chinese spokesperson, wearing horn-rimmed glasses and pantsuit, staring off-camera at some figure, interviewer perhaps. She was speaking Mandarin in a deliberate tone, while subtitles appeared below her chest, describing in rather dramatic sentences how the panda bears were being poached for their meat, skin or whatever, and sold across the globe, and appealed for the international conscience to put a stop to this trend, lest the WWF lost a mascot and change their merchandising profile.
When I saw that piece of news, a rather nasty thought came quickly to my mind. I also remember thinking that if I were a foreigner, perhaps a Caucasian, I would definitely be in an appropriate place to say it aloud, but alas, I was, and forever will be, a squinty eyed Chinese boy.
But, if I were indeed born with bluer eyes, this is what I would have gladly said to that Communist :-
Yes, we will start saving the panda bears, the minute you guys stop drinking shark-fin soup.
I mean, we Chinese people eat EVERYTHING that moves, man. It is not just a offhand remark passed down from generation to generation. If its back faces the heavens, we will eat it. You give a cow to a person of any other race, he would probably drink its milk, cut it up for meat or peel its skin off for leather ( hopefully all those done in that order).
But a Chinese person would go a few steps further. The eyeballs and brains would make excellent herbs, the intestines an interesting addition to beef noodles, etc etc.
I remember watching a show on TV once about snakes. It was set in
1) Person suddenly finds a snake in the house
2) Miraculously, a camera crew happens to be in the house.
3) Instead of helping, the camera crew just films the house owner dialing 911 in panic
4) When the call is finished, the house owner looks at the camera, clearly in distraught, says something profound, like “Oh God I hope they get here soon”
5) Commercial break
6) Now, a rough, rugged sort of man who shaves once every lifetime, wearing thick boots and speaking in a Southern accent is introduced as a “Snake catcher”
7) Mr. Snake Catcher tries to catch the snake.
8) He almost catches the snake. .
9) Commercial break
10) He catches the snake. The day is saved.
Now I can’t help but thinking that the whole show would be more efficient if they just sent in a regular Chinese man. He would go in there so fast, the camera crew wouldn’t reach the house in time. And I can picture him catching the snake without so much a hint of fear, grabbing it by the tail and kung-fu chop the snake senseless. Then he would proceed to ask the house owner if he could use some pots and pans for a while. And by the way, did he have Oyster sauce?
Speaking of animals, I recently went to Seaworld in
They also had a giant underground aquarium where we could see exotic fishes swimming about. Of course, there were some Chinese tourists looking at them while rubbing their tummies, drooling out of the corners of their mouths, never taking their bulging eyes off the bigger fishes.
What’s neat about this theme park that it also educated the public on the plight of the animals it showcased, many of them extinct. There were posters showing how marine life is threatened, and how uncontrolled sea mining and pollution were destroying the marine life. There was one poster in particular that showed how unregulated big scale fishing was dimishing the population of fishes.
Next door at the Seaworld restaurant, they served fish n chips for just 9. 95 AUD.
The Year 2028 (Part One)
The Year 2028 – Part One.
It is now the year 2028, and these are the terms and limits in which our country
Education
The Brain Drain phenomenon has reached both a peak and plateau. The highest number possible of qualified professionals have migrated overseas. Statistics claim only 25% of qualified professionals above the age of 30 are staying in the government sector. This goes in hand with an exodus of post-SPM students leaving the country to pursue tertiary education overseas, most notably the UK, USA, Australia, Singapore, China, Taiwan and Japan and Germany.
Said countries have changed policies to make it difficult for international professionals and graduates to pursue work opportunities, due to the backlash of their native workforce, unanimously forcing affirmative action in favour of their citizens
This has not deterred Malaysians from seeking employment overseas.
Reasons for the Brain Drain have been summarized into two main issues – insufficient compensation and lack of avenues for career advancement.
All subjects in all secondary schools and tertiary institutions are now taught in English, with the exception of Bahasa
Technology
Globally, Internet service is now free, subsidized by all governments.
Entertainment has entered a new era.A result of the digital push pioneered by agents such as TiVO, HD television and even faster Net access, every song,movie, television show, pay-per-view are now available for downloading simultaneously with their official release.
Embraced by the industry’s major movers and shakers, downloading content for private use has become legal in all countries. This movement was spearheaded by Sony and Universal Studios which publicly revealed that their annual gross profits have fallen by 60% over the last 15 years. The move to embrace and regulate private downloading of content will at least stabilize their profit margins for the years to come.
All websites offering torrents are regulated and controlled, and the days of free downloads have been long gone 5 years ago. Peer-to-peer file sharing networks have long ceased to operate, with the last being SymbioZone, a company formed in 2015. It lasted 2 years. Every single piece of trademarked intellectual property like movies and songs are now subject to payment via the WiPay system ( see Economy)
Tangible methods of data storage like DVDs, USB-flash disks have been replaced by almost instantaneous file transfer from any location in the world, via wireless Internet access.
Downloading times are now non-existent.
The increase in Massive Multiplayer Online Role Playing Games ( MMORPG) has seen the emergence of a new career, that being the Professional Online Gamer. In the past, this has been practiced, but only recognized as a taxable profession by the Malaysian government in 2023. In World of Warcraft 8 : Armageddon, professional players log on and play as characters that can be ‘hired’ like infantrymen, healers,scouts, administrators, coordinators, and provide other services for a fee to be paid by commercial, non-professional customers/gamers.
Social
The rate of homosexuality is now at 25%.Homosexuality has become a non-issue and the public has accepted in as part of a new, emerging lifestyle.
As a part of the non-discriminatory policy towards all citizens, all homosexual individuals now share equal rights, welfare and recognition. All major religions have accepted homosexuality.
The institution of family is practiced in a quarter of the population. The definition of ‘Family’ is as follows : - A social unit which makes up a bigger social unit called a ‘community’, which consists of a pair of parents ( a mother and father) in a mutually agreeable marriage AND biological offspring(if any) all living together in a single address, provided that the offspring are below the age of 18 or an age where tertiary education is possible.
Factors contributing to this practice being obsolete is as follows –
a) Female empowerment and feminist movements have encouraged women to carve their own careers and to exist on their own merits. Therefore, 8 out of 10 women are contented to remain uncommitted to a marriage and 6 out of 10 are happy to remain single.
b)Even in cases of marriage, both husband and wife are fully dedicated to their careers and thus unable to find time to bear offspring.
c)Divorce rates has now increased up to 85%.Almost all marriages which took place from 2010 to 2020 has resulted in divorce.Only 1 % of registered couples aged 50 and above are reported to be living in the same house.
d)With the high cost of education, more and more couples are predisposed towards saving up for a comfortable retirement, than to work almost more than half of their lifetime to pay off their children’s education. Out of all the married couples, only 57% plan to have children.
e) The acceptance of homosexuality.
In accordance to the above, sperm donation and adoption industries have bloomed in
In all government forms, under the section of ‘Race’ or ‘Bangsa’, there is now a new category from which to choose form, named ‘Mixed’ or ‘Kacukan’. This is in following with the latest census in 2026 in which the government realized that almost one fifth of the population was of mixed parentage, individuals with both Indian and Chinese blood being the highest. The practice of recognizing a mixed parentage individual’s race upon the race of the father has long ceased.
English, Tamil and Mandarin versions of Negaraku were created 4 years ago. At any time in which the organizer of an event chooses to have the Negaraku sung in English, Tamil or Mandarin, it must come after the Malay version has been sung.
…to be continued
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